guilt trip vs emotional blackmail

Is Someone Guilt-Tripping You? How To Identify and Respond to This Form of Emotional Manipulation

“Guilt-tripping is intentionally or unintentionally causing feelings of guilt in another person to manipulate or control them,” says Monica Vermani, C.Psych , a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma, abuse, and relationships. She says it’s all about exerting influence and power.

• Amelia Kelley, PhD, PhD, MS, LCHMC, ATR, RYT , a trauma-informed therapist, author, podcaster, and researcher
• Monica Vermani, C. Psych. , clinical psychologist, public speaker, teacher and author
• Nancy B. Irwin, PsyD , clinical psychologist

It’s vital to note that the person being guilted may not even be in the wrong. “The natural emotion of guilt is employed as a manipulative tactic to create a sense of responsibility for something they may or may not have done,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC , a trauma-informed relationship therapist, podcaster, researcher, and co-author of What I Wish I Knew . “The narcissists and emotional abusers will use guilt as a gaslighting tactic to make their target take responsibility even if they are not at fault.”

In various ways, this kind of behavior boils down to a desire to gain power or control. “Typically, when others guilt-trip you, they are attempting to have the upper hand in some way, get something out of you, or keep you on your toes,” says Nancy Irwin, PsyD , a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma.

People who've experienced negative relationships or are disempowered are often the type to utilize guilt-tripping as a means of claiming control. “It may be the fear of being hurt again [that leads someone to guilt-trip],” says Dr. Kelley, adding that this is common for someone with an insecure attachment style or a fear of abandonment . “It could also be a result of the guilt-tripper not feeling comfortable with vulnerability and struggling themselves to take responsibility for their actions,” she adds, describing a behavior typical in the victim narcissist (or the narcissist who acts as if others are always out to get them).

• 01 How do you know if someone is guilt-tripping you?
• 02 What is narcissistic guilt tripping?
• 03 Is guilt-tripping gaslighting?
• 04 What is the negative impact of guilt-tripping?
• 05 Why am I guilt-tripping myself?
• 06 How to stop guilt-tripping yourself
• 07 How do you respond to someone guilt-tripping you?
• 08 When to seek professional help

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How do you know if someone is guilt-tripping you?

The experts say guilt-tripping can be either blunt and obvious or subtle and hard to identify. To tell if someone is manipulating you , they suggest looking for the following signs:

• Making passive-aggressive suggestions about how you haven’t done your “fair share”
• Reminding you of all the favors they’ve done for you
• Giving you the silent treatment ( yes, it’s a manipulation tactic !)
• A disapproving tone of voice, facial expression, or gesture to convey disappointment
• Making a cutting or unkind comment then saying they were “just joking”
• Continuing to bring up the “offense” or “mistake” either subtly or dramatically
• Glaring at you or deeply inhaling after hearing about a similar situation, or saying something like “Yes, I know the feeling”
• Making baseless accusations
• Struggling to take responsibility or ownership for their part
• Making you feel like you have to “make something up to them,” justify your intentions, or over-apologize
• An absence of an equal exchange of give and take, in which you’re always showing up for them without being able to ask for the same in return

Examples of guilt-tripping phrases

Generally speaking, there’s a key sign to look out for in these statements, Dr. Kelley says: dichotomous (aka, black-and-white) language.

Guilt-trippers “typically assign judgment and responsibility and are laden with blame and emotional blackmail aimed at the recipient of the comment,” says Dr. Vermani.

As specific examples of what a guilt-tripper may say, the experts listed the following:

• “You always/never….”
• “You make me feel…”
• “Men/women always…”
• “If you really cared or loved me…”
• “I thought you were on my side…”

What is narcissistic guilt-tripping?

Guilt-tripping behavior can be common among narcissistic people . “Narcissists are brilliant at projecting their own flaws or perceived inadequacies onto others,” Dr. Irwin says, noting they can’t own their mistakes, apologize, or self-correct. “Whatever comes out of a narcissist’s mouth, simply pause and ask yourself who they are really talking about.”

Guilt-tripping also gives them the control and power they seek, or more generally, what they want. “They seek attention and use guilt as a means of maintaining power over their victims,” Dr. Vermani adds. If the narcissistic person can make their partner think that they’re at fault, they may be better able to control how their partner acts.

Is guilt-tripping gaslighting?

Guilt-tripping and gaslighting are similar in that both are emotional abuse tactics used to manipulate and control, the psychologists say. They aren’t quite the same thing, though.

Gaslighting is making someone question their sanity, Dr. Irwin says, while guilt-tripping is informing someone of a claimed offensive and holding on to it.

Despite their differences, the two are often used in conjunction. “Gaslighting is meant to confuse or distort someone’s reality, which is not always the case with guilt-tripping,” Dr. Kelley says. “Commonly though, in order to employ a guilt trip, there needs to be distortions of reality that occur, which is where gaslighting comes in.”

She adds it can also be used to justify threats and accusations or engage the target in a power struggle. “[Targets] are constantly having to look at themselves and what they did wrong, which takes the spotlight of blame off the narcissist as the target remains on the defensive,” she explains.

What is the negative impact of guilt-tripping?

Guilt-tripping can hurt the relationship and the mental health of the person experiencing it. A 2010 study in Clinical Psychology Review 1 found that persistent guilt exacerbates depression, anxiety, and OCD symptoms, just to start.

“It has a direct impact on self-concept and self-esteem,” Dr. Kelley says. “If someone always feels they are to blame, or in the wrong, it can make it difficult to speak to oneself with compassion and continue to believe that you are worthy of the love and respect each and every one of us deserves.”

This can create an unhealthy power dynamic, she adds, as well as fail to properly address the situation at hand.

Further, Dr. Vermani notes that guilt-tripping can lead to resentment, a lack of trust, and anger in relationships, as well as an increased sense of powerlessness, anxiety, and/or mood disorders.

Why am I guilt-tripping myself?

People with insecurities or low self-esteem may be more prone to making themselves feel guilty, even for things they didn’t do. They may also be quick to assume someone is blaming them when they're not.

“As human beings, we all want to be heard, seen, and valued,” Dr. Vermani says. But when someone has low-self-esteem, she continues, they're highly critical and look for reassurance that their negative thoughts are right. “By assuming guilt for things that they have not done and are not their responsibility, they validate the narrative that they are inadequate and unworthy of love,” she says.

Self-imposed guilt-trips can be taught, too. Narcissistic people in particular tend to impose this kind of thing on others, according to Dr. Kelley.

“It is difficult to believe your needs and boundaries are valid if you are made to feel less than or like something is wrong with you,” she says. “Guilt-tripping can cause an enmeshed view of the self where what we do becomes who we are—which is not a correct or a healthy way to view the self. If you feel you are constantly causing damage in your wake, it can create an ongoing self-dialogue that becomes internalized assumptions about one’s negative impact on the world around them.”

Dr. Irwin adds another possible contributing factor in that situation: “Many times, people with low self-value want to be liked, and they will accept poor treatment to keep that person in their life,” she says.

How to stop guilt-tripping yourself

Sometimes, you may give yourself a guilt trip. When that’s the case, how can you stop feeling guilty ?

Give yourself compassion

This act of self-love, alongside being mindful of what exactly is going on, is crucial, according to Dr. Kelley. More specifically, she encourages leaning into the growth mindset , or the idea that we can improve as human beings. “[Know] that mistakes happen to all of us and they are there to learn from.”

Ask yourself if the guilt is appropriate or excessive

One piece that can help with self-compassion and letting go of guilt is by asking yourself: Is it called for? “Appropriate guilt is when you do/say something out of line with your ethics and integrity,” Dr. Irwin explains. “It calls you to a higher level.”

Excessive guilt, on the other hand, is unnecessary and unhelpful. It’s also usually “manufactured by someone else in order to manipulate you or to invite you to hold their guilt for them,” Dr. Irwin continues.

Foster healthy habits in your relationships

Surrounding yourself with healthy relationships can be a great self-esteem booster. Dr. Kelley encourages finding people who encourage you, setting boundaries with those who don’t.

Additionally, implement other healthy communication skills when the situation calls for it. “Make amends when needed and then practice the stages of forgiveness for yourself, whether or not someone else is granting that for you,” she says. The stages of forgiveness often begin with acknowledging the hurt or offense caused, followed by understanding and accepting the pain it inflicted. Then, a willingness to let go of resentment and anger gradually emerges, leading to a state of compassion and empathy toward the offender, ultimately culminating in a sense of peace and closure.

Remind yourself of key truths about guilt

Feeling external guilt is a red-flag emotion, according to Dr. Vermani. But what does that mean, exactly?

“It is a sign that there is someone who wants something from you—either your time, your energy, or your resources—that is in direct conflict with what you want for yourself,” she says. “When people expect things from you that are different from what you want to do, guilt is that red flag that arises to tell you that there is a conflict that you have to resolve…that is to say, the difference between what somebody wants from you and what you want from yourself.”

Aim to live authentically

Continuing on her above point, Dr. Vermani encourages people to do what feels right to them first and foremost. “Our goal in life is to live authentically,” she says, “not to people-please and sacrifice our limited resources of time and energy for others.”

How do you respond to someone guilt-tripping you?

Recognize what’s happening.

Acknowledging the fact that the person is guilt-tripping you—and what that means about the relationship—can be helpful in and of itself. Dr. Vermani reminds it’s “a red flag indicating that someone wants something of you that is not in alignment with what you want for yourself”—and remember, your goal is to live for yourself, not others.

Another key truth about guilt-tripping: It’s wrong and unhelpful. “Realize that guilt trips are a form of verbal and/or nonverbal hurtful and manipulative communication,” she adds. You don’t need that in your life!

Assert your boundaries

When setting boundaries around your time and energy, try to remember your power and stay calm, knowing you did nothing wrong. “This issue is not your fault and you will not be held responsible for it,” Dr. Irwin says. “Don’t go on and on explaining…you lose power.”

She encourages speaking succinctly and making eye contact while setting and reinforcing your boundaries.

Consider whether the relationship is worth continuing

Besides setting boundaries, Dr. Kelley encourages assessing whether you want to have this relationship anymore. “If someone makes you feel you are at fault all the time, this is not a healthy dynamic, and the sooner you set a solid boundary, the less long-term damage the person can have on you and your self-esteem,” she points out.

Practice making mistakes and getting through them

Yep, you read that right—allow yourself to mess up! “Try new things and experience making mistakes on purpose and then surviving those mistakes,” Dr. Kelley says. After all, without failure, there is no growth.

Encourage conversations that move you forward

When someone is guilt-tripping you, they may go on and on about the mistake you made. Dr. Irwin urges refusing to get on their guilt train, even when you hurt them in some way.

“Assertively communicate to the person that you know you made a mistake, have apologized/corrected it, and wish to move on having learned from it,” she says. “No need to hang onto negative feelings.”

Work on your self-esteem

Boosting your level of self-esteem is another suggestion from Dr. Vermani that can serve as “armor” when a guilt-tripper is trying to tear you down. Spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself, challenging negative thoughts, avoiding “should statements,” and recognizing triggers are all helpful self-esteem exercises .

Remind yourself of your power and right to say “no”

You aren’t powerless here, nor do you need to “give in” to what the guilt-tripper is throwing at you. Dr. Vermani encourages working on getting comfortable with saying “no.” Besides simply saying the word, she continues, this may look like calling the person out. Show them you won’t allow them to treat you that way.

Work with a mental health professional

Let’s be real: Setting boundaries is easier said than done. If you’d like a little extra support, consider seeing a counselor. They can help you create positive change, Dr. Vermani says.

When to seek professional help

For Dr. Irwin, the answer is simple: “As soon as one or both parties are in enough pain.” Assess for any gut feelings signaling this.

Dr. Vermani shares additional signs, including:

• Experiencing extreme distress or mental health concerns
• Noticing your day-to-day functioning is negatively impacted
• Realizing you’re engaging in manipulative behavior
• Struggling with feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness

A more proactive approach may be your best bet, though, according to Dr. Kelley. She encourages seeing a professional ahead of time, saying “before it even feels problematic, as I believe we all deserve an amazing support system and therapist in our corner.”

Otherwise, she continues, reach out when you feel like you’re losing parts of yourself or distancing yourself from other healthy relationships. Remind yourself regularly that you deserve better.

• Tilghman-Osborne, Carlos et al. “Definition and measurement of guilt: Implications for clinical research and practice.”  Clinical psychology review  vol. 30,5 (2010): 536-46. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.007

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The High Price of Parental Guilt Trips

How guilt trips sabotage relationships..

Posted September 23, 2020 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

• Coping With Guilt
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A sitcom is not a sitcom without a nagging mother pressuring her adult children to call or visit home more often. The choreography is always the same, with the mother applying pressure for greater contact through passive aggression , outward hostility, or persistent complaints. And while the trope is tired, exaggerated, and often sexist, guilt does take place in many families. Across cultures, genders, and religions, my clients speak about guilt as a factor that drives their relationships with their parents.

Why does this happen? What leads to cycles of guilt in families that leave both parents and adult children frustrated? Why does this mechanism continue to be used?

The Feelings Behind Guilt

Parents who use guilt to increase contact with adult children may feel fear , love, or anger . They may fear the distance created by their children building their own lives and spending time and energy with others. They may fear becoming less relevant or central in the child's life. They may feel such love for their child that they want to remain close. They may feel angry or indignant that they aren't receiving the attention they believe they deserve.

When a parent does not know how to discuss these feelings openly and take responsibility for them, they may use guilt to coerce their children into closer contact to assuage their own discomfort.

Guilt deployed by a parent can sound like:

• "I feel so lonely when you don’t call me."
• "Your brother calls me every day; why can’t you?"
• "Since you didn’t bother to come over, I cleaned the garage myself."
• "You don’t want to see your mother?"
• "I did everything for you, and you can’t be bothered to visit?"
• "If you move away, I’ll get depressed ."
• "You're leaving already?"

The Short-Term Win, the Long-Term Loss

If the child internalizes the guilt and takes responsibility for their parent's feelings, a guilt trip may successfully bring a child home to visit or call more often. The immediate payoff of guilting a child into closeness may indeed be increased contact.

But make no mistake, the price for that contact is high. An adult child who feels manipulated into contact, who feels compliant rather than excited to show up, may remain emotionally absent. Guilt erodes a relationship and creates resentment.

The child experiencing guilt may respond by:

• Shutting down emotionally
• Lashing out
• Outwardly complying while internally seething
• Finding ways to maintain privacy and a sense of control
• Setting different boundaries

These ways of fighting back against a guilt trip and taking back control may perpetuate the cycle if not done consistently and openly. The parent may notice their child responding angrily or seeming emotionally disconnected, and, panicked at seeing their child pull away, turn to the tool they know works: more guilt. And so the cycle repeats.

Guilt can increase physical closeness or greater communication, but it cannot create true emotional intimacy . In the long-term, guilt leads to greater disconnection.

Moving Beyond Guilt to Healthier Relationships

Even a long-standing use of guilt to drive a relationship can be reversed. Parents and adult children each have a part to play in breaking the cycle.

Adult children can:

• Notice when guilt is used and what feelings arise: If it is frequent or commonly used, this may take some time. This may mean noticing resentment, anger, and sadness.
• Set boundaries: “I’d love to see you, but I can’t come that day.” “I already said no, please do not ask again." “If you continue to use guilt, I’m going to end the phone call.” "I need you to respect when I'm trying to hang up at the end of a phone call."
• Describe the impact: Parents may not realize the impact of their using guilt. Now is the time to speak about feeling more distant from that parent based on their actions.

Parents can:

• Acknowledge past use of guilt: “You know, I think in the past I’ve wanted to see you so badly that I may have used guilt to get you to call more.”
• Clearly communicate wants and needs: “I’d love to find a frequency of communication that works for both of us. How does a weekly phone call sound to you?”
• Accept feedback: This may mean listening to the impact of months or years of using guilt and understanding that it may take time to rebuild the trust that it won’t happen in the future.
• Respect boundaries: If a child says no to a particular outing, respond maturely to their decision.
• Find new ways to connect: Repairing a relationship saddled with guilt may include finding new ways to connect that feel based on mutual connection rather than manipulation.

Both parents and adult children can:

• Practice discussing needs in an open, honest way: “Let’s try a reset. I want our conversations to be good ones.”
• Learn to identify cycles: “I think we’re doing that thing again. I’m trying to say no and you’re trying to get me to do something anyway. Let’s stop and try again.” “Mom, I feel myself shutting down.”
• Compromise (in ways that feel good): “Dad, why don’t you come to visit me in my city this month? I’d love to show you around town.”
• Express appreciation to one another: “I’ve loved talking to you today.” “Thank you for letting me know what works for you.” “It’s ok that you can’t come over this weekend! I understand that you’re busy. Thanks for letting me know and I hope we can have a visit soon.”
• Check in: Breaking any cycle takes time and parents and children may need to check in and see how things are going.

By learning to connect through honest communication, openness , and vulnerability, parent/child relationships can blossom. Guilt trips can make their way into the dustbin of stereotypical relationships and make room for more mutually satisfying ways of relating.

Sarah Epstein, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and consultant seeing therapy clients in TX and Pennsylvania.

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Guilt Trip: How to Stop Feeling Guilty for Things That Aren’t Your Fault

Guilt trip is a common phenomenon many of us have experienced at some point in our lives. It is a form of emotional manipulation that involves making someone feel guilty or responsible for something they may or may not have done. Guilt trips can be subtle or overt and can be used in various settings, from personal relationships to the workplace.

Guilt trips can take many forms, but they all involve making someone feel bad about themselves or their actions. For example, a friend might guilt trip you into attending a party you don’t want to go to by saying things like, “I guess I’ll just go alone then” or “I thought we were closer than that.” In the workplace, a boss might guilt trip an employee into working overtime by saying things like, “I guess you don’t care about the success of this project” or “I thought you were a team player.”

Recognizing and coping with guilt trips is an essential skill that can help us maintain healthy relationships and boundaries. In this article, we will explore the signs, types, and impact of guilt trips and strategies for coping with them. We will also provide examples of common guilt trip scenarios and offer tips for responding healthily and assertively.

Understanding the Psychology Behind Guilt Trips

Guilt trips are a potent tool of emotional manipulation that can steer behavior to suit the manipulator’s desires. It is often used to make someone feel guilty or responsible for something, even if they have done everything they can. In this section, we will explore the psychology behind guilt trips.

Guilt-tripping is a natural form of passive-aggression that people resort to when they don’t have the skills or language to communicate their needs or feelings assertively. It is a way of making someone feel bad about themselves or their behavior, intending to get them to do what the manipulator wants.

There are several reasons why someone might use guilt trips as a tactic. One reason is that it can effectively get someone to do what they want without directly asking for it. Another reason is that it can be a way of avoiding conflict or confrontation. By making someone feel guilty, the manipulator can avoid having to confront the issue at hand directly.

Guilt trips can also be a way of asserting power and control over someone. By making them feel guilty, the manipulator can make them feel like they are in the wrong and need to make amends to make things right. This can be a way of establishing dominance over the other person.

Guilt trips are a powerful tool of emotional manipulation that can steer behavior to suit the manipulator’s desires. They often make someone feel guilty or responsible for something, even if they have done everything possible. Understanding the psychology behind guilt trips can help us recognize when we are being manipulated and take steps to protect ourselves from this behavior.

Identifying a Guilt Trip

Guilt trips are a form of emotional manipulation that can be difficult to identify, especially from people we care about. This section will discuss common signs of a guilt trip and how to recognize manipulative language and emotional blackmail.

Recognizing Manipulative Language

One way to identify a guilt trip is to pay attention to the language used by the person trying to manipulate you. Here are some examples of manipulative language to watch out for:

• Exaggeration:  The person may use extreme language to describe a situation, making it seem worse than it is. For example, they might say, “You always do this,” when it’s only happened a few times.
• Generalization:  The person may use general statements that are difficult to argue against. For example, they might say, “Everyone else is doing it,” or “You should know better.”
• Personal Attacks:  The person may attack your character or make you feel guilty for who you are. For example, they might say, “You’re so selfish,” or “You never think about anyone else.”
• Conditional Statements:  The person may make their love or approval conditional on your behavior. For example, they might say, “If you loved me, you would do this,” or “I’ll only forgive you if you do what I want.”

Spotting Emotional Blackmail

Another way to identify a guilt trip is to look for signs of emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail is a manipulation involving fear, obligation, or guilt to control someone else’s behavior. Here are some common signs of emotional blackmail:

• Threats:  The person may threaten to end the relationship or harm themselves or others if you don’t do what they want.
• Intimidation:  The person may use their size, strength, or power to intimidate you into doing what they want.
• Sulking:  The person may sulk or withdraw affection to make you feel guilty and manipulate you into doing what they want.
• Victimhood:  The person may play the victim and make you feel responsible for their emotions and well-being.

Recognizing these signs can help you identify when someone uses a guilt trip to manipulate you. By staying aware of these tactics, you can take steps to protect yourself and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.

Effects of Guilt Trips

Guilt trips can have a significant impact on our mental health and relationships. Here are some of the effects:

Impact on Mental Health

Guilt trips can lead to negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. When we feel guilty, we may become more self-critical and start to doubt our abilities and worth. This can lead to a vicious cycle of guilt and negative self-talk, which can be challenging to break.

In addition, guilt trips can also cause us to feel trapped and powerless. We must comply with the other person’s demands, even if it goes against our values and needs. This can lead to helplessness and resentment, further damaging our mental health.

Strain on Relationships

Guilt trips can also strain our relationships with others. When someone uses guilt to manipulate us, it can erode trust and respect. We may feel like we can’t rely on the other person to be honest and straightforward with us, which can damage the foundation of any relationship.

Furthermore, guilt trips can also create a power imbalance in relationships. The person using guilt may feel like they have the upper hand and can control the other person’s behavior. This can lead to resentment and a lack of mutual respect, further damaging the relationship.

It’s essential to recognize the adverse effects of guilt trips and take steps to protect our mental health and relationships. This may involve setting boundaries, communicating our needs and feelings assertively, and seeking support from a therapist or trusted friend.

Handling Guilt Trips

Dealing with guilt trips can be challenging, but there are ways to handle them effectively. This section will discuss some strategies that can help us cope with guilt trips.

Effective Communication Strategies

Effective communication is one of the most important ways to handle guilt trips. We need to communicate clearly and assertively without being aggressive or confrontational. Here are some tips for effective communication:

• Stay Calm:  It’s essential to stay calm and composed when dealing with guilt trips. This can help us avoid getting defensive or emotional, which can make the situation worse.
• Be Assertive:  We need to be assertive and stand up for ourselves when dealing with guilt trips. This means expressing our needs and feelings clearly and confidently without being aggressive or passive.
• Use “I” Statements:  Using “I” statements can help us express our feelings without blaming or accusing others. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always making me feel guilty,” we can say, “I feel guilty when you say things like that.”
• Listen Actively:   Active listening involves paying attention to what the other person is saying and trying to understand their perspective. This can help us find common ground and resolve conflicts more effectively.

Setting Boundaries

Another critical strategy for handling guilt trips is setting boundaries. We set boundaries for ourselves to protect our emotional and physical well-being. Here are some tips for setting boundaries:

• Identify Your Limits:  We need to identify our limits and know what we are unwilling to tolerate. This can help us set clear boundaries and communicate them effectively.
• Be Consistent:  Consistency is vital when it comes to setting boundaries. We must stick to our limits and not give in to guilt or manipulation.
• Be Firm:  We must be firm and assertive when communicating our boundaries. This means saying “no” when necessary and not feeling guilty.
• Take Care of Yourself:  When setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves is essential. This means prioritizing our needs and well-being and not sacrificing them for others.

Handling guilt trips requires effective communication and setting clear boundaries. By staying calm, assertive, and consistent, we can protect ourselves from emotional manipulation and maintain healthy relationships.

Preventing Guilt Trips

Guilt trips can be emotionally draining and damaging to relationships. Fortunately, there are steps we can take to prevent them from happening. This section will discuss two critical strategies for preventing guilt trips: fostering healthy relationships and promoting self-awareness.

Fostering Healthy Relationships

One of the best ways to prevent guilt trips is to foster healthy relationships with the people in our lives. This means communicating openly and honestly, setting boundaries, and respecting each other’s feelings and needs.

Here are some tips for fostering healthy relationships:

• Communicate openly and honestly: Be honest about your feelings and needs, and encourage others to do the same.
• Set boundaries: It’s essential to set boundaries and stick to them. Let others know what you are and are not willing to do.
• Respect each other’s feelings and needs: Show empathy and understanding for others’ feelings and needs, and expect the same in return.

When we foster healthy relationships, we create an environment of mutual respect and understanding, making guilt trips less likely to occur.

Promoting Self-Awareness

Another key strategy for preventing guilt trips is promoting self-awareness. When we know our emotions and needs, we are less likely to be manipulated or guilt-tripped by others.

Here are some tips for promoting self-awareness:

• Recognize your own emotions:  Take time to identify and understand your needs.
• Practice self-care :  Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally.
• Set realistic expectations:  Be realistic about what you can and cannot do, and don’t feel guilty for saying no.

When we are self-aware, we can better recognize when someone is trying to guilt-trip us and take steps to prevent it from happening.

Preventing guilt trips requires fostering healthy relationships and promoting self-awareness. By following these strategies, we can create a more positive and supportive environment in our relationships and avoid the adverse effects of guilt trips.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some signs that someone is trying to guilt trip you.

When someone is trying to guilt trip you, they may use certain tactics to make you feel responsible for their emotions or actions. Some signs to look out for include:

• Pointing out their own efforts and hard work to make you feel as if you’ve fallen short.
• Making sarcastic or passive-aggressive remarks about the situation.
• Using emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty for not complying with their wishes.
• Manipulating your emotions by making you feel responsible for their feelings.

How can you respond to someone who is guilt-tripping you?

If someone is trying to guilt trip you, it’s important to set boundaries and communicate your feelings. Here are some ways you can respond:

• Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t take responsibility for them.
• Stick to your own values and beliefs, even if it means disagreeing with the other person.
• Avoid engaging in arguments or becoming defensive.
• Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs.
• Take a break or step away from the situation if necessary.

What is the difference between guilt tripping and expressing feelings?

Expressing feelings is a healthy way to communicate with others, while guilt tripping is a manipulative tactic used to control others. When someone expresses their feelings, they are sharing their emotions and thoughts without expecting a specific outcome or response. Guilt tripping, on the other hand, involves using guilt as a tool to change how others think, feel, and behave.

Is guilt tripping considered a form of manipulation?

Yes, guilt-tripping is considered a form of emotional manipulation. It involves using guilt as a tool to control others and make them feel responsible for someone else’s emotions or actions. This can be harmful to the other person’s mental health and well-being.

What are some ways to stop someone from guilt-tripping you?

If someone is guilt-tripping you, there are several ways you can stop the behavior:

• Set boundaries and communicate your feelings.
• Refuse to take responsibility for someone else’s emotions or actions.

Can guilt tripping be considered a form of emotional abuse?

Yes, guilt-tripping can be considered a form of emotional abuse. It involves using guilt as a tool to control others and make them feel responsible for someone else’s emotions or actions. This can be harmful to the other person’s mental health and well-being. It’s important to recognize the signs of emotional abuse and seek help if necessary.

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18 Ways to Handle Emotional Blackmail (+ Examples & Quotes)

The undertone of emotional blackmail is if you don’t do what I want when I want it, you will suffer.

The term was introduced by Susan Forward, Ph.D., in her book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (Forward & Frazier, 1998).

She describes how emotional blackmail tactics are used by abusers to threaten in order to get what they want. In placing demands and threats, they create feelings of fear, guilt, and anger to solicit compliance from their victims. In doing so, they divert blame and responsibility to the victim for their own negative actions. Typically, this dysfunctional type of manipulation occurs in close relationships.

Emotional blackmail is a concept recently developed and one receiving increased attention. The #MeToo movement is bringing education and awareness around the dynamics of emotional abuse and its powerful negative impact. In this article, we explore the meaning behind emotional blackmail, examples of this manipulation, the damage that occurs from this emotional abuse, and ways to handle it.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.

This Article Contains

The meaning of emotional blackmail, 15+ examples of emotional blackmail, how to best handle emotional blackmail, how to stop emotional blackmail in relationships, eb after a break-up, is it a crime, advice for parents, where to purchase susan forward’s book (+ ebook), 9 quotes on the topic, a take-home message, frequently asked questions.

Emotional blackmail is the process in which an individual makes demands and threats to manipulative another person to get what they want. It is a form of psychological abuse, causing damage to the victims. Their demands are often intended to control a victim’s behavior through unhealthy ways.

Emotional blackmail is a way of being manipulated by your partner. However, in these situations, it can be difficult to gauge and clearly point to whether the victim is being manipulated.

Leaders in the field, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier identify the power dynamic that occurs in such manipulation. They suggest that emotional blackmailers employ a fear – emotion – guilt tactic to get what they want.

FOG is a term named by Forward, suggesting that fear, obligation, and guilt are the dynamics in emotional blackmail between the manipulator and the victim. The acronym FOG also accurately describes the confusion and lack of clarity and thinking that can occur in these interpersonal dynamics. Emotional blackmail can create a fog and contribute to feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, and anxiety.

According to Forward, emotional blackmail occurs in close relationships. The manipulator leverages knowledge gained about the victim’s fears. Blackmailers will use the information they learn about what the victim fears to manipulate them.

Forward suggests that one of the most painful elements of emotional blackmail is that they use personal information about the victim’s vulnerabilities against them. Another trigger blackmailers will use is putting the victim’s sense of obligation to the test. They will commonly create undeserved guilt and blame to attribute their problems to the victim.

They make threats related to the victim’s emotional triggers to force compliance. For example, “ If you don’t do what I want I will…leave you, tell your secrets, not love you… ” They can also take advantage of the victim’s sense of responsibility and obligation. “ All I do is work for this family, the least you could do is… ” Blackmailers exploit the victim’s sense of guilt to create confusion and get the victim to give in to their demand.

Because the tactics can be covert, emotional blackmail may be difficult to spot, especially for those who may experience more vulnerabilities to it. According to Forward,

“Blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they’re manipulating us, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. All the while, if we attempt to fight back, they ensure that we literally can’t see what is happening to us.”

They can use covert techniques that create confusion by:

• Making their demands seem reasonable
• Make the victim feel selfish
• Pathologizing or making the victim seem as though they are crazy
• Ally with someone of influence to intimidate the victim

There are warning signs of emotional blackmail in a relationship:

• If one person frequently apologizes for things that are not their doing, such as the manipulator’s outburst, bad day, or negative behaviors.
• If one person insists on only their way or nothing, even if it is at the expense of the partner.
• It seems to be a one-way street of sacrifice and compliance.
• One person feels intimidated or threatened to obey or comply.

When in a dysfunctional cycle of emotional blackmail, the victim may be inclined to: apologize, plead, change plans to meet the others’ needs, cry, use logic, give in, or challenge. Typically, they will find it difficult to stand up for themselves, directly address the issue, set boundaries, and communicate with the blackmailer that the behavior is inappropriate.

They do not consistently set clear boundaries indicating what is acceptable for them.

Forward and Frazier recognize four types of blackmailing, each with varying manipulation tactics.

• Punishers – Punishers operate with a need to get their way, regardless of the feelings or needs of the other person. Their motto is “my way or the highway.” Punishers will insist upon pushing for control and getting what they want with threats to inflict damage or harm.
• Self-punishers – Individuals can make threats of self-harm if the partner does not comply with what they want.
• Sufferers – this is the voice of a victim conveying guilt on the partner if they do not do what is demanded. If they don’t comply, there is a suggestion that their suffering will be the others’ fault. “After all that I’ve done for you, you are going to let me suffer…?”
• Tantalizers – This can be the most subtle and confusing form of manipulation. There is a promise of what will be better if they comply. It sparks hope yet is still connecting a threat to the demand.

Common in any abuse cycles, it is important to understand the progression of emotional blackmail. It usually starts as subtle or implicit comments and behaviors. The progression can be insidious, so one does not realize its impact until it has gotten severe.

A metaphor would be of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog immediately into boiling water, its instincts will cause it to jump out because of the instant pain. However, if you place a frog in lukewarm water and slowly increase the heat, it does not recognize the pain as a danger signal at the same level of heat. The frog becomes desensitized as the water is heating up slowly.

The behaviors and impact of emotional blackmail can be similar.

There are six progressive steps identified in emotional blackmail:

• A demand made from the manipulator. The manipulator will make a clear demand of what they want, tied with a threat. You need to pay my rent or I’ll leave you. You need to let me move in or I’ll tell your sister what you said about her.
• Resistance from the victim. After the demand is identified, the victim may resist or feel the need to avoid the person because they are unsure how to handle the demand. The concerning part of this process is it is often an unsavory, unfavorable, or unreasonable demand placed on the victim.
• Pressure from the manipulator. Manipulators of emotional blackmail are not concerned about pushing too hard. They will persist to get what they want no matter what it takes. They disregard hurt feelings or fear being created. Creating fear can even be the driving force behind the demand made. The manipulator may put pressure suggesting that the victim is being irrational, silly, or unreasonable themselves. This part of the process can cause the victim to begin to question their sense of reality and if they are wrong in feeling concerned about the demand being placed upon them. They begin to lose their healthy sense of perspective and what their gut is telling them. The manipulator may even turn the situation around to blame the victim or question their motives if they do not initially agree to the placed demand. Confusion is a big part of this process.
• Threatening the victim. This is the part of the process where the manipulator is threatening to do or not do something to cause unhappiness, discomfort, or pain for the victim. If you don’t do this…then I will do this… They create a situation where the victim can be responsible for the promised negative outcome if they do not comply.
• Victim compliance. The victim gives in, either quickly, or slow through a process of increasing self-doubt. They comply with the demand of the manipulator, often causing feelings of anxiety, guilt, fear, anger, or resentment.
• The manipulator gets their way and subsides temporarily until the next demand of what they want comes up. The frequency of these behaviors and tendencies vary in all relationships involving emotional blackmail. Regardless of the consistency of these behaviors, it has a negative and toxic effect on the relationship and on the victim. Now the cycle is in place and the foundation is set for this pattern to continue.

In some situations, there may seem to be a fine line between indirect communication and manipulation. Emotional blackmail and indirect communication can both have passive aggressive undertones. The communication becomes manipulation and blackmail when it is used consistently to control another individual or coerce them into doing what the requestor demands.

The victim will typically feel resistance to comply, yet does it even at the cost of their own wellbeing.

There is also a distinction between setting healthy boundaries and emotional blackmail. In setting boundaries, the individual is asserting themselves and communicating what their needs are. Emotional blackmail involves conveying threats that will result in a punishment of the victim does not meet the request.

Someone engaging in emotional blackmail will demonstrate any or all of the following:

• Telling you that you are crazy for questioning them
• Controlling what you do
• Ignoring your concerns and pushback
• Avoiding taking accountability
• Constantly placing blame on others for their behaviors
• Providing empty apologies
• Using fear, obligation, threats, and guilt to get their way
• Unwilling to compromise
• Seemingly unconcerned about your needs
• Rationalizing their unreasonable behaviors and requests
• Intimidate you until you do what they want
• Blame you for something that you didn’t do so that you feel you have to earn their affection
• Accuse you of doing something you didn’t do
• Threaten to harm either you or themselves

Victims of emotional blackmail typically feel insecure, unvalued, and unworthy. They often struggle with low self-esteem and doubt their own needs. Victims can demonstrate the following characteristics:

• Approval seeking, people pleasing
• Extreme compassion and empathy
• Tendency to take blame
• Tendency to feel pity for others
• Try to avoid conflict
• Peacekeeping habits
• Strong sense of responsibility and doing the “right thing”
• Fear of abandonment
• Sensitivity, inclination to personalize things
• Fear of anger
• Self-doubt, low self-esteem

The stress of being in a relationship involving emotional blackmail can take a toll emotionally and physically on the victim. It compromises the victim’s sense of integrity and self-esteem . It causes victims to question their own sense of reality. It leads to negative and distorted thinking about themselves and their relationship. Victims of emotional blackmail often end up being isolated, experiencing extreme loneliness.

It impacts an overall sense of wellbeing and contributes to anxiety and depression.

The Blackmailer

Forward notes in the book that an important takeaway for the victim is that the behavior of an emotional blackmailer feels like it is about you but for the most part it is not. It often comes from deep insecurities inside of the blackmailer. Fear and anxiety can come out as rage and blame toward the victim. These tendencies often have to do with what has happened in the past rather than the reality of the current situation.

There is no exact prototype of emotional blackmailers, yet they can demonstrate the following characteristics:

• Narcissistic tendencies
• Self-centered
• Intense anger
• Deep panic, fear, depression, or rage
• Emotionally immature
• Not in touch with feelings
• Lack of accountability
• Hate to lose

Some of these traits may be close to the surface and observable, such as anger. However, much of the insecurities, emotional pain and fears lie deep within the psychological makeup of the blackmailer.

The scientific research on emotional blackmail, in particular, is limited. In one public health study, researchers explored personality correlates of emotional blackmail in relationships (Mazur et. al).

They utilized the five-factor personality model to assess risk factors for potential victims and individuals at risk for engaging in emotional blackmail. They discovered that neuroticism and agreeableness were risk factors for taking on the role of the victim. The factors protecting against the use of emotional blackmail in close relationships were agreeableness and conscientiousness.

Neuroticism is a key risk factor for taking on the perpetrator of emotional blackmail. Social adaptation and assertiveness can act as protective factors against being a victim of emotional blackmail. Data was gathered to inform preventive programs developed to support people in building healthy relationships. There is room for additional research to be gathered and leveraged to help with prevention of emotional abuse and blackmail.

The emotional blackmailer typically does not have any other coping or go-to methods for how to communicate and interact in a healthy manner. They fall back to stonewalling, slamming doors, threatening, and engaging in other damaging behaviors to get what they want. They typically do not have the tools available to understand how to convey their needs.

Many examples of emotional blackmail occur in romantic relationships. Any gender can engage in emotional blackmail. However, a male-female partnership is a prototypical example.

One scenario is if a man in a committed relationship is caught cheating on his partner. Rather than taking ownership and apologizing for his actions, he may twist the story. He may blame his partner for not meeting his needs or being there when he needed her, therefore, seemingly rationalizing or justifying his behavior. This can be confusing for the victim, as she may be inclined to question herself or start believing his claims.

She may wonder if she is good enough or if she could have done more in the relationship.

Other examples of demands and threats in emotional blackmail:

• If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.
• If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.
• I’ve already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.
• I’m taking this vacation – with or without you.
• How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?
• You’ve ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.

Emotional blackmailers commonly attempt to make the victim feel responsible for their (negative) actions.

• It was your fault that I was late for work.
• If you wouldn’t cook in an unhealthy way, I wouldn’t be overweight.
• I would have gotten ahead in my career if you had done more at home.

Emotional blackmail may also occur in situations where one person is an addict. They may threaten to take the car if the victim does not pick them up from the bar.

Emotional blackmail can take place in family relationships as well. A needy mother may attempt to give her child a guilt trip for not spending enough time with her. She may make comments referencing what “good daughters” do.

Emotional blackmail can occur in friendships. A friend may ask for money and threaten to end the friendship if they do not comply.

A punishing type of blackmail can occur. For example, if a couple is going through a difficult divorce, the emotional blackmailer may threaten that if their partner files for divorce, they will keep the money or never let them see the kids. Such behavior can leave the victim feeling rage at the attempt of being controlled and not knowing how to properly respond.

Another type of emotional blackmail that is even more insidious is when we use fear, obligation, and guilt to hold ourselves hostage. We can inflict our own FOG which can control our behavior, even if it is not coming from external sources. “If I were a good son, I would visit my mother more frequently.”

There can be different levels of emotional blackmail, ranging from threats with little consequence to threats that can impact major life decisions or can be dangerous.

Here are some additional brief and damaging examples of threats associated with emotional blackmail:

• If you don’t take care of me, I’ll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to work.
• You’ll never see your kids again.
• I’ll make you suffer.
• You’ll destroy this family.
• You’re not my child anymore.
• You’ll be sorry.
• I’m cutting you out of my will.
• I’ll get sick.
• I can’t make it without you.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship, it is difficult to know where to start. In her book , Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship , Lisa Aronson Fontes provides a “Controlling Relationship Assessment.”

Taking an assessment may be a useful way to start reflecting and identifying the abusive behaviors that are occurring. Her book also provides ways to help:

• Recognize the controlling behaviors of all kinds.
• Understand why this destructive pattern occurs.
• Determine whether you are in danger and if your partner can change.
• Protect yourself and your kids.
• Find the support and resources you need.
• Take action to improve or end your relationship.
• Regain your freedom and independence.

In Forward’s book, there is a chapter called “It Takes Two.” She encourages the victims of emotional blackmail to take responsibility for their behavior and their previous compliance with the blackmail process.

The blackmail process does not work effectively without both parties actively participating. Forward offers this perspective not as a way for victims to beat themselves up or to place blame. Rather, she provides this point of view as an empowering approach for victims to recognize what they can change and can control. In the introduction, she states:

“Change is the scariest word in the English language. No one likes it, almost everyone is terrified of it, and most people, including me, will become exquisitely creative to avoid it. Our actions may be making us miserable, but the idea of doing anything differently is worse. Yet if there’s one thing I know with absolute certainty, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior.”

In order to best handle emotional blackmail, the victim must bring a new mindset and approach the situation in a different way. This will require gaining insight into what is going on in the blackmail dynamics and learning to detach from their intense emotions.

It can be useful for victims to explore what demands are making them feel uncomfortable. In doing so, they can recognize what boundaries need to be put in place. They must decide what is ok and not ok with them in a relationship. Understanding the abusive impact of emotional blackmail is also important.

Appreciating how emotional abuse wears victims down can validate their experience of feeling hopeless and lacking in confidence.

Change is scary, but doing something different is the only way to get a different result. Otherwise, victims are at risk of letting their fears run and potentially ruin their lives. Awareness, insight, and educating ourselves is important, but change only comes from taking a course of different actions over a prolonged period of time. Susan Forward asserts that we all have choices about how to engage in a relationship:

• We can accept things as they are.
• We can negotiate for a healthier relationship.
• Or, we can end the relationship.

No relationship is worth the cost of emotional and mental wellbeing.

Victims can learn to set boundaries and may become surprised what can happen when new limits are set. The messaging needs to become that the behavior is no longer acceptable. While victims do not feel courageous or confident after having been emotionally abused, they can take a different action. Victims must take action to change the course, rather than waiting for the other person to change.

Victims can self assess throughout the process. When you do not back down and comply with demands attached with threats, how do you feel? Strong, empowered, confident, hopeful, proud, excited, courageous, assertive, effective, capable? Breaking any behavioral pattern is challenging. Develop a clear vision of what you hope to achieve. Any change will require work, effort, and discomfort, yet this is where growth occurs.

The only way to know if the limit and boundary setting will work is to try it. Forward suggests confronting the manipulator about the behaviors. What could that sound like?

• You are pushing our relationship to the edge.
• You are not taking me seriously when I tell you how unhappy I am.
• We need to find ways to deal with conflicts that do not leave me feeling emotionally abused, worn out, and depleted.
• I always comply – not willing to live like that anymore.
• I need to be treated with respect.
• Let’s talk about it, don’t threaten and punish me.
• I’m not going to tolerate those behaviors anymore.

In her book, Forward suggests three exercises : a contract, a power statement, and a set of self-affirming phrases.

A contract lists a number of promises you would make to yourself. The contract identifies the basic ground rules for you to follow. Take time every day to read the contract out loud.

Example of a Contract with Myself:

I, ____________, recognize myself as an adult with options and choices, and I commit myself to the process of actively getting emotional blackmail out of my relationships and out of my life. In order to reach that goal, I make the following promises:

• I promise myself that I am no longer willing to let fear, obligation, and guilt control my decisions.
• I promise myself that I will learn the strategies in this book and that I will put them into practice in my life.
• I promise myself that if I regress, fail, or fall into old patterns, I will not use slips as an excuse to stop trying. I recognize that failure is not failure if you use it as a way to learn.
• I promise to take good care of myself during this process.
• I promise that I will acknowledge myself for taking positive steps, no matter how small they are.

____________________ Signature

____________________ Date

Power Statement

Another way to deal with emotional blackmail is to create your own power statement. Repeating a power statement can ground you when the pressure is turned up by the manipulator. For example, “I’m not doing this.” “I won’t do this.” This power statement is succinct and impactful. It works because it directly counters the belief that moves us into compliance – that we can’t stand the pressure.

Short, impactful sentences like this are intended to challenge doubts and limiting beliefs.

If you begin to think “I can’t stand it”…that you can’t stand to hurt his feelings, hurt him, deal with your guilt or anxiety, etc. Change the mantra from “I can’t stand it” to “it’s hard but I can do it.” This involves a subtle shift to getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Changing to “I can stand it” will build your emotional strength so that you do not need to immediately back down.

Self-affirming Phrases

By backing down and giving in, you may feel: guilt, hurt, shameful, embarrassed, anxious, angry, weak, resentful, powerless, helpless, fearful, scared, trapped, disappointed, stuck. In order to change these emotions, it is important to start with changing your thoughts. Develop some self-affirming thought patterns to retrieve and repeat, especially when your negative thinking kicks in.

Consider asking yourself if a demand is making you uncomfortable. Why? What part of the demand is ok and what is not? Is the other person threatening me? Is the other person considering my feelings? If I comply, what is in it for me?

There are several levels of demands:

• Not a big deal, minimal impact
• Important issues including your integrity is at stake
• A major issue involving important life decisions and/or could be damaging

Request that the blackmailer get psychological help to learn new strategies. Blackmailers can learn skills to learn how to negotiate, communicate , and own their own behavior. First, they must take responsibility for their action for any change to occur. An unwillingness to own and put it on the other person is a sign of immaturity and lack of wellbeing and health.

Once blackmailers own the behavior, they can take the next steps to learn the techniques.

If they are truly taking responsibility, they will demonstrate the courage to sit down with the victim and have a conversation about it. In doing so, this will create a safer environment in the relationship. Safety is the primary element of defining a healthy or not healthy relationship. Manipulators who take accountability and are willing to be vulnerable show hope for learning and change.

What can that sound like in the blackmailer?

• Can you help me?
• Tell me how I can express this to you in a way that doesn’t make you feel bad.
• I am willing to get help.
• I don’t want my behaviors to make you feel so bad
• What is another way I can say this to you?
• What can I do that will help you feel safe?
• Where can I learn to better deal with conflict?
• I want to improve how I communicate with you.

In a healthy functioning relationship, while tension and disagreements occur, people learn to work toward a resolution. Emotional blackmailers are generally not interested in negotiating. They tend to be black and white about their demands and unwilling to compromise.

Typically, they do not consider alternatives or other viewpoints. They want what they demand and nothing else. Most people who have been in a relationship with an emotional blackmailer appreciate that there is no reasoning when someone is in this state. The behaviors are irrational and the demands unreasonable.

How to stop emotional blackmail in relationships may start with the victim fostering the belief that they do not deserve such treatment. Victims have as many rights as they do. As mentioned previously, gaining insight into their own patterns of behaviors, pleasing, and approval seeking tendencies can help understand where to make changes.

The victim may have developed these tendencies early in life to self-sacrifice, overcompensate for others, and put themselves last.

Practical suggestions on what actions to take during an exchange with a blackmailer can be useful.

• Consider taking a long pause before you comply with the request.
• Take a break and think about how you are feeling about the demand.
• Create some distance from the emotion so you can make a healthy decision based on logic, rather than the emotional default.
• Put it on your timetable. It will create off balance and it can be scary. There will be pressure to get back into the old patterns, so there is likely to be discomfort.
• Forward suggests tips such as repeating a neutral statement to the demand placed, such as “no thank you.” This stops the back and forth and capitulation of the emotional exchange.

Don’t need to wait until you feel strong to show strength. Do it, then the feelings will catch up. People often wait until they feel the courage, and that time doesn’t come. Do it, then you will feel better. You can’t wait until you feel better.

Forward suggests additional techniques to help stop emotional blackmail.

Establish an SOS before responding to a demand:

• STOP – I need time to think about it.
• OBSERVE – one’s own reactions, thoughts, emotions, triggers.
• STRATEGIZE- analyze the demands and the potential impact of complying. Consider what you need and explore alternative options.

Develop “ powerful non-defensive communication. ” Sharon Ellison (2002) provides helpful guidance on non-defensive communication. Suggestions are to not take the bait from the blackmailer, yet stay on point with what your key message is. Do not allow yourself to be derailed by their comments, demands, and behaviors. Stick with “This is who I am and what I want.”

Blackmailers are highly defensive and their comments often escalate conflicts. Attempt to stay away from escalating statements and stick with non-defensive communication such as:

• I can see that you are upset.
• I understand you are frustrated.
• I’m sorry you’re angry.
• I can understand how you might see it that way.
• Let’s talk about it when you feel calmer.

It is essential to reinforce that victims cannot change their partner only their reaction. The emotional blackmailer has a foundation in deep layers of their insecurities. The victim’s job is to put their welfare and health first. Their energy is best utilized to change themselves and their approach. In addition to changing the behavior patterns during these exchanges, victims can do their own psychological healing outside the relationship.

For example, developing skills to self-regulate, build confidence, and increase assertiveness can be beneficial. Victims can explore the following ideas:

Learn to become a detached observer. Healthy detachment is a good coping mechanism when dealing with conflict or highly charged emotional situations. It involves taking a step back and becoming an observer of what is going on the current situation, without being taken away by the emotions at hand. This will allow some self-refraction and questioning in order to make sensible connections between your beliefs, behaviors, and actions.

Creating some space between you and the situation can allow you to make healthier decisions.

Forward identifies the need to let go of pleasing behaviors. People who have a tendency to comply, may give in because they do not want the other person to be mad at them. They need to rid themselves of the undeserved guilt, which is what occurs in emotional blackmail.

Expand strategies to deal with your own emotional discomfort. Find ways to deal with your fear, guilt, and sense of obligation. Embrace the discomfort of the guilt, fear, or anxiety that can come with saying no or establishing a new boundary.

Continue to develop the thought stopping techniques in order to disconnect from fear and obligation. Challenge your assumptions of what obligations and expectations are real and what proof is provided for these claims.

Review what part you play in the dysfunctional cycle of emotional blackmail. In order to be fully empowered and able to make a change, it is important to look at your own responsibility in the situation. This is not suggesting that you are to blame for the behavior of the other person; rather, to find areas and behaviors that you can control to help yourself navigate through such circumstances.

Take inventory. Self-reflect on how you may justify your compliance. Here are some examples of negative self-talk that can reinforce the pattern of giving in.

• It’s not worth it to deal with his/her anger
• His/her needs matter more than mine
• It’s no big deal to give in
• What I want isn’t important enough
• I’ll just do it to get him/her to calm down
• I would rather give in than hurt his/her feelings
• I’m afraid if I say no

Practice pausing before giving into demands in lower stakes situations. Practice saying no even when the threats are not evident. Be firm and stand your ground on limits set. Do not immediately give in to what the blackmailer wants, especially if you are being threatened.

Seek professional help through counseling, therapy, coaching, or a support group to help navigate through recovery from emotional abuse. In the end, it is critical for victims to remember that abuse is not their fault. All people deserve to be treated with respect.

A break-up or relationship separation can fuel the fire for emotional blackmailers. The potential for them to act out, even more, rises during crisis situations, especially involving a break-up. During this time, victims could be at risk or in danger, as blackmailers can escalate their behaviors. Since they are focused on what they want when they want it, they show limited concern or empathy for the pain of others.

They can become so absorbed in their own rage, that they could show signs of panic in their desperation.

If emotional blackmail was used during the relationship and there is a break-up, there is no longer a direct method for such manipulation tactics. This can cause an emotionally unstable person to act out even more if their means for control are taken away. Manipulator’s behaviors may increase in intensity and in a frequency. More severe threats of self-harm and inducing guilt would be common in a breakup situation.

They also may resort to stalking or other types of unwanted behaviors in pursuit in an attempt to reconnect the relationship. While uncommon, taken to an extreme, the ex may show obsessive tendencies and could be at risk for bringing the violence to another level.

It is important for the victim to remember that they are not responsible for their ex’s needs and feelings. It is important to seek protection if the victim is feeling unsafe. This may require getting professional help to understand how to establish these healthy boundaries. It may involve setting clear physical boundaries to ensure there is no contact with the ex-partner.

Finding a support system can be helpful for individuals who have been in relationships involving emotional blackmail and abuse. The focus post-break-up is best placed on victims learning how to engage in self-care and identify their own personal needs.

In the legal system, domestic violence has been identified as an incident or series of incidents involving physical violence conducted by a partner or ex-partner.

However, the laws addressing emotional abuse are less clear and less consistent. In the legal system, the term used to describe emotional abuse and blackmail is “coercive control.”

The term ‘coercive control’ was developed by Evan Stark to help understand the impact and damage that occurs from emotional abuse. He identifies coercive control as a pattern of behavior which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self and is a violation of human rights. Emotional blackmail is a type of coercive control used most often in intimate relationships.

Laws about coercive control (i.e. emotional blackmail) and abuse vary around the world. Currently, the United States does not have clear criminal laws in place to protect victims from emotional or psychological abuse by a partner. There are criminal statutes that only protect partners from physical violence. Some states have attempted to house emotional abuse under statutes prohibiting domestic violence, child abuse, and elder abuse.

There are several countries who are addressing psychological abuse in the court systems. The first country to ban “psychological violence within marriage” was France in 2010.

Coercive control has been recognized as a crime in the UK since 2015. The Serious Crime Act 2015 recognizes that “controlling or coercive” behavior towards another person in an intimate or family relationship is punishable for a prison term. Since the law has been in place, an estimated 100 men have been convicted and sentenced for such crimes.

The UK law states:

Coercive control is defined by a pattern of behavior that gradually is purposeful in exerting power and control over another intimate partner. The law sees the perpetrator as the one who carries out these coercive behaviors as solely responsible. Coercive behaviors can include:

• Making a person dependent by isolating them
• Exploiting their strengths and resources
• Humiliating and putting them down
• Using intimidation, or abuses that cause harm, are punitive and intended to frighten

The British law defines controlling behavior as “making a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance, and escape, and regulating their everyday lives.”

The law requires charges to be based on a pattern of behaviors rather than one occurence. Irish legislation have also created the Domestic Violence Bill 2017, which includes “coercive control” as an offense. In these countries mentioned, establishing criminal laws addressing psychological abuse sends a strong cultural message that it will not be tolerated. It conveys a level of support and safety for victims of such abuse.

Domestic violence victims often state that the physical abuse was not the worst part of their abuse. The control, intimidation, and emotional blackmail often caused the most suffering; yet the impact is more challenging to measure. Author of Coercive Control: How Men Trap Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark discusses the damage of emotional abuse and coercive control on victims.

He states, “ Not only is coercive control the most common context in which [women] are abused, it is also the most dangerous. ”

Identifying physical abuse is more straightforward, so the topic of how to prove coercive control or emotional abuse has been a topic of discussion. Those opposed to criminalizing coercive control suggest the area is ambiguous and difficult to prove. Opposers claim that separating jealousy, control, and emotional abuse is complex to sort out and difficult to prove by jury or judge.

Attention had not been drawn to the issue until the impact of the abuser’s behavior on the mental and physical health on the victims was studied and evaluated more seriously. More awareness is contributing to more support and movement in the criminal courts. For example, Monckton-Smith has developed a diagnostic tool (Domestic Abuse Reference Tool) to help identify and clarify if victims are in danger.

Laws addressing domestic violence in the US were initially created for a different reason. They were initially put in place to deal with single violent assaults conducted by strangers. However, much of physical and emotional abuse occurs in intimate relationships. Therefore, this law does not sufficiently address the cycle and pattern of abuse that happens with spouses.

Critics show concern for the lack of support the US legal system is showing for victims of such abuse. Without laws in place criminalizing emotional and coercive patterns of abuse, the culture may be reinforcing it. In his book, Stark suggests that despite its progress, the domestic revolution is stalled.

He discusses how the narrow focus on physical violence against women, distracts from the more insidious form of psychological abuse which more closely resembles kidnapping or slavery than assault.

Stark considers the lack of laws addressing coercive control represents a human rights violation and a “liberty crime” against the victim.

The Center for Disease Control conducted a study in 2010, reporting that nearly half of all women in the U.S. (48.4 percent) have experienced at least one form of psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lives. They experienced coercive control, verbal aggression and angry gestures in their partners that were degrading, insulting, dangerous, or humiliating.

There are organizations and groups advocating for policy change in the US. Their objectives are for the US legal system to recognize the damage of coercive control and put criminal controls in place to address it.

There are alternative paths to take in the legal system beyond criminal statutes. In some cases of emotional abuse, civil lawsuits can be filed. Victims or families of victims can file these emotional abuse claims based on an intentional infliction of emotional distress.

According to the legal system, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress involves the following :

Intentional infliction of emotional distress is an intentional tort based on conduct so awful that it causes the victim extreme emotional trauma. Emotional distress claims are difficult to prove and win, and don’t apply to simple rudeness or generally offensive behavior. Instead, these cases arise when conduct is so reprehensible that the emotional effects are real, lasting, and damaging.

In order to have a successful claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress, a person must prove three elements:

• Extreme or Outrageous Conduct: Again, this is behavior that is more than merely malicious, harmful, or offensive — the conduct must exceed all possible bounds of decency;
• The Conduct Was Intentional or Reckless: Careless or negligent behavior won’t suffice — the actor must intend to cause emotional distress or know that emotional distress is likely to occur; and
• The Conduct Caused Severe Emotional Distress: This can be the hardest to prove, but severe and lasting emotional effects like persistent anxiety and paranoia, or possible bodily harm like ulcers or headaches could show a person suffered extreme emotional distress as a result of the conduct.

More information can be found on this site .

Emotional blackmail can also be used in families, even with children or teens blackmailing their parents. However, it would be easy to assume that all temper tantrums by children sound like emotional blackmail.

In his article Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) , Skip Johnson differentiates the difference between immature actions taken by children to manipulate their parents and emotional blackmail. He highlights how the use of the term “blackmail” brings such a negative connotation. He clarifies that in using such a term, it is implied that there is forethought or premeditation involved.

A child having a crying fit at the grocery store because they want candy is clearly a different dynamic than emotional blackmail used in an adult relationship. Children may naively demonstrate such behaviors, without the understanding of the manipulation element. That being said, a teenager making a demand for parents to give them the car or they will hurt themselves does qualify as emotional blackmail.

All parents are invested in wanting their kids to be happy. This potentially makes them more vulnerable to being emotionally blackmailed by their children and adolescents. Mental health experts claim that this type of manipulation tactics can be very difficult to identify and address. If they give in to such manipulation tactics, parents can often end up feeling hijacked by their own family.

Kids and teens can exploit your wish of wanting them to be happy in order to get what they want. This hijack can be addressed if parents are clear and understanding that the primary role is not to make sure their kids are happy, but to keep them safe and teach them about the world.

Parents that are dealing with a child who engages in emotional blackmail can feel as though they are being held hostage. Addressing these behaviors as a parent is complicated and challenging. There is a range of severity in terms of the level of emotional blackmail kids can use with their parents. A common example may be a tantrum in the grocery store, where the parent, in an effort to avoid a scene and to escape the store will give in.

Once parents give in to this behavior, the cycle becomes reinforced. The child then learns what buttons to push in order to get what they want. They now know what to do in order to get the parent to give in. As kids get older, the behavior may shift into disrespectful attitudes and remarks as a teenager to try and control the parents.

Adolescents can learn techniques to manipulate their parents by expressing strong emotions. In his book Declare Yourself , John Narciso identifies these behavior patterns as “get my way techniques.” Adolescents, like adults, can identify triggers for their parents and use this knowledge to get what they want. An example of a button to push, is if the parent is sensitive to rejection.

Teenagers can pick up on that and act in ways that spark fear in the parent that the teen does not like them. This can create guilt and fear in the parent, who then ends up complying to the adolescents’ demands.

Another example is if a parent is sensitive to inadequacy, the adolescent can criticize the parent by attacking their competence. A parent sensitive to this may give in because of the discomfort they experience feeling judged. If parents are sensitive to guilt, teens can highlight their emotional suffering to get what they want.

To re-direct emotional blackmail, parents need to stand firm and consistent with their boundaries, regardless of the emotional outbursts or threats from the teen. It is important to clarify that acting upset or aggressively will not change the parents’ mind. The key is to not be sensitive to these behaviors to the point that it changes your parental decisions.

Some families, especially those dealing with mental illness in the family, will experience more severe forms of emotional blackmail. It creates a conundrum, because for children who engage in extreme emotional blackmail, common forms of influence, discipline, punishment, or reinforcements are not effective in changing the behaviors. A severe form of manipulation may involve children threatening their parents that if they do not get what they want, they will tell people that they are being abused.

Here are some additional examples of children blackmailing parents. They can blame their parents for behaviors such as stealing, suggesting that it was not their fault that they had to take the money. The may say that if the parents gave them a bigger allowance, they would not have needed to steal the money for what they wanted at the time.

Another example is that they make threats to physically harm another sibling if the parents do not let them go out or do what they want. They may threaten to run away if they do not get their way. Making a threat to harm themselves is another severe example of emotional blackmail. In these situations, parents need psychological support and guidance on how to best navigate in a way that will keep everyone safe.

As you would have noticed by reading this far, Susan’s book is referenced throughout this article. Below are links on where to purchase a copy.

17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships

Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].

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“Yet if there’s one thing I know with absolute certainty, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior. Insight won’t do it. Understanding why we do the self-defeating things we do won’t make us stop doing them. Nagging and pleading with the other person to change won’t do it. We have to act. We have to take the first step down a new road.”

Susan Forward

“Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation. It leaves you in a FOG when there is haze of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Often the emotional blackmailer is not a deliberate tactic on the others’ part – it’s just the method that gets them what they want! And have found that it works!”

Counselor and psychotherapist Carey West

“The emotional blackmailer may go out of their way to do things for you, even if it goes against their self-interest…they’ll bring it up over-and-over again, frequently reminding you what they’ve sacrificed to make you happy.”

Relationship expert Amica Graber

“Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win the pay-off they want: our compliance.”

“In order for a blackmailer to be successful, they must know what the target fears. This fear is often deep-rooted such as fear of abandonment, loneliness, humiliation, and failure.”

Licensed Mental Health Counselor Christine Hammond

“If after an argument, your partner goes out for hours without telling you where they are, this indicates that they are punishing you for the disagreement by intentionally causing you to worry or feel anxious”

Relationship expert, Kryss Shane, MS, MSW, LSW, LMSW

“Emotional blackmail is the use of fear, obligation, and guilt to control another person.”

“Emotional blackmail is one of the primary ways that one partner controls another partner. It’s done in such a way that the controlling partner manipulates the other person‘s emotions in an attempt to get their way.”

Dr. Connie Omari, clinician and owner of Tech Talk Therapy

“It should be taken very seriously and you should immediately tell the person how you feel if that is safe to do and/or to get others involved if you feel a sense of danger.”

Kelsey M. Latimer, Ph.D., founder of Hello Goodlife

“Although they may do this in ways which seem harmless, it’s a common tactic to trigger fear and doubt.”

Samantha Morrison, wellness expert

We hope you have found this article to be informative and insight-provoking. Emotional blackmail is a painful and dysfunctional pattern of abuse in which the manipulator is attempting to control the victim. We hope that continued education and awareness on this topic will help people understand, prevent, and address emotional blackmail in relationships.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free .

Studies have shown that people who use emotional blackmail are often narcissistic, and manipulative, and have a tendency to engage in aggressive behavior. They may also struggle with communication and have difficulty expressing their emotions in a healthy way (Briki, et al., 2019).

Another word for emotional blackmail is “psychological manipulation”. This refers to the use of emotional or mental tactics to control or influence someone’s behavior, thoughts, or feelings (Braiker, 2004).

The signs of emotional abuse may include (American Psychological Association, 2019);

• frequent criticism or humiliation,
• controlling or manipulative behavior,
• isolation from friends and family,
• constant monitoring or surveillance, and
• unpredictable mood swings or outbursts.
• American Psychological Association. (2019). Recognizing and escaping emotional abuse . Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/emotional-abuse
• Braiker, H. B. (2004). Who’s pulling your strings? How to break the cycle of manipulation . McGraw-Hill Education.
• Briki, C., Ferrand, C., & Girandola, F. (2019). Emotional blackmail: A relationship between narcissism and emotional regulation. Current Psychology, 38(1) , 94-100.
• Burkett & Narciso, J. (1975). Declare Yourself: Discovering the Me in Relationships . MacMillon Publishing.
• Ellis, S. Taking the War out of our Words . Deadwood, Oregon: Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing.
• Ellison, S. (2002). Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication . Berkeley, CA: Bay Tree Publishing.
• Fontes, L.A. (2015). Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship . New York: Guilford Press.
• Forward, S. & Frazier, D. (1998). Emotional Blackmail When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You . New York: Harper Collins.
• Johnson, R. Skip. (2015). Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). Borderline Personality Disorder , BPDFamily.
• Mazur, A., Saran, T., Krzysztof Turowski, K., & Elżbieta Bartoń, E. Personality correlates of emotional blackmail in close relationships . Public Health as a Wellness Standard Chapter VII 1. Department of General and Neurorehabilitation.
• Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life . New York: Oxford University Press.
• Zwolinski , Richard. (2013) “Are Other People’s Feelings Holding You Hostage?” PsychCentral.com , Psych Central, 15. blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/09/are-other-peoples-feelings-holding-you-hostage/. Retrieved February 18, 2019.
• Zwolinski, Richard. (2013). “Standing Up For YOU With An Emotional Hostage Taker.” PsychCentral.com , PsychCentral, 15. blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/09/standing-up-for-you-with-an-emotional-hostage-taker/. Retrieved February 18, 2019.

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Very informative article. EB destroys one’s mental health, do whatever it takes to get own selfish desires Always put ME first

An incredibly clear and concise article. I have been in many relationships and know that while I have problems maintaining relationships, and accept a large part of the responsibility in these instances, my most recent relationship only lasted three months, eleven weeks remotely, yet I knew something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it. I loved being with her, found her funny, admired many things about her, but I could not put my finger on the problem.

I ended the relationship and while I felt ‘better’ I also felt guilt and grief, as would be expected. As she texted and vacillated between anger and pleading, I saw a pattern that I had seen in my very first relationship, many decades ago.

I went online and read this article and saw not one, or two, but ALL of the traits described in her. I made it super clear that it was over. I blocked her texts. She sent a series of emails, the last one pleading that I look after her son – and she then attempted suicide.

I don’t know if she will survive.

Fortunately, because of this article, I can look at it objectively and not feel guilt. I am willing to help her son finish high school and get through university if he accepts it, but chances are he hates me above everything else.

Honestly, your article made me see there was only one way out for me, and I took it. Thank you for helping me manage it.

My partner fits the description as an emotional blackmailer. She gets repetitively demanding and aggressive when she wants me to give her what she wants-mainly money. She says she doesn’t force me, but if I say I feel she manipulates and threatens me, she has a tantrum and threatens to blackmail me. She will insert an arsenal of texts and messages she has collected and shows me she will execute these off to my family and friends. I had no idea that my sensitive information was being collected. She has spent months in the psychiatric hospital blaming her Islamic culture for all her pain, and habitually distorts well-meaning sharings as a comparison against her. She’s totally self centered. I don’t see any friends and she keeps her family segregated from me. How is it possible none of the doctors don’t see at least borderline disorder and explosive disorder? She broke a table in the hospital. She told me the doctors say she has panic anxiety disorder and depressive disorder. I would describe those two as symptoms for much bigger emotional turmoil. Is it possible she rejects what doctors have told her and thus refuses to apply any sound techniques? I do know her mother was extremely irrational and violent and my partner experienced severe violence and molestations by other relatives as a child. Her mother did fully recover and chose to get help. Is it possible she knows her anger is abnormal as she rarely admits and that she is “insane” but refuses to actively get help and staying in a hospital is a way to avoid herself? Is this common? I just never know what may trigger her and avoid saying or writing anything that remotely can be misconstrued. She’s full of anger, cannot seem to trust others, and is lonely. I’m surprised her parents have not recommended her go work with the very same therapist her mother had great success with. Or maybe she angrily refuses. Yet, she’s very instable emotionally. I do use the “I feel” phrases and “it is frustrating when you feel that way.” Other times, she begins to go off the handle swearing. I don’t swear. I mention many times, that swearing is abusive. What do the doctors in such cases actually say? Just “panic anxiety disorder” I doubt it. She contradicts herself and cannot regulate her emotions. Any advice? Any thoughts on why all the doctors don’t diagnose her truthfully or does she reject the diagnoses and select just mentioning the victim-sounding disorders? I just want to notarize an agreement with her to keep things strictly business, and urge her to get proper psychiatric help.

I’m sorry to read that you are struggling with with your partner. In situations of abuse, the most important thing is to prioritize your own safety and wellbeing (and those of any dependents you may have). This means the best thing you can usually do is reach out for outside support. A therapist is usually a good first point of call, as they can also connect you to additional services.

You can find a directory of licensed therapists here (and note that you can change the country setting in the top-right corner). You’ll also find that there are a range of filters to help you drill down to the type of support you need (e.g., family/marital): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

I hope you find the help you need.

– Nicole | Community Manager

Hi my name is bella and am going through an emotional blackmail currently my ex has a sex video of me and was threatening to upload it buh then I told everyone myself about it,now he’s threatening to end my life and such and to be honest am really feeling suicidal

If you are in immediate danger or fearful for your safety, call the emergency number in your respective country immediately. They will be able to provide support.

Further, if you are struggling with severe symptoms of depression or suicidal thoughts, please call the following number in your respective country:

USA: National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255; UK: Samaritans hotline at 116 123; The Netherlands: Netherlands Suicide Hotline at 09000767; France: Suicide écoute at 01 45 39 40 00; Australia: Lifeline at 13 11 14 Germany: Telefonseelsorge at 0800 111 0 111 for Protestants, 0800 111 0 222 for Catholics, and 0800 111 0 333 for children and youth.

For a list of other suicide prevention websites, phone numbers, and resources, see this website .

Please know that there are people out there who care and that there are treatments that can help.

trying to find answers myself at present. my 32 year old son, who is a drug addict, got heavily into crack, mixing with the traveller community. came to my home with a gun and a knife and informed me if i did not find him a substantial ammount of money which was supposedly his debt to the travellers, that i wold get my house burnt down. in panic i gave him the money and once he had left i informed the police who subsequently arrested him and he is now on remand pending trial in the new year. my problem is at present my emotional state, as i have to give evidence against him which i am really struggling with due to my deep emotional connection, knowing that if i cannot find the strength to testify he will be freed in the new year, i dread the thought. i am at present recieving letters from him trying to justify what he has done and in fact have him saying that no way was he blackmailing me, i know i need to find the strength to testify its just that i cannot seperate my love for him as a mum to the ones of doing what needs to be done and i am really struggling emotionallly and feel so alone. the problem i have is my feeling guilty that it will be down to my testifying that will put him away for a long period of time even though i tell myself he did the crime and should do the time im so anxious i cannot even think straight do you have any advice please

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling and my thoughts go out to you and your son.

I think the best thing you can do would be to find someone to help you work through this difficult time emotionally, such as a therapist. Psychology Today has a great directory you can use to find therapists in your local area. Usually, the therapists provide a summary in their profile with their areas of expertise and types of issues they are used to working with.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

What a depressing article! By no means I am denying such diabolical activity doesn’t exist but really? Devoting a frikkin 40 page thesis on this topic? No doubt some of you deserve this kind of people in your life as you are FIXATED on this topic. Jezuss…. get out. Get some fresh air. Go to a park. Get some sea breeze instead of focusing on the nefarious tome Volume XXII of human evil. Sheesh. Sure knowledge is weapon but you don’t have to be inundated with it. And you call this website “positive psychology”. Smeesh.

Also newsflash. ALL of us possess these type of behavior to an extent except narcs are the extreme example. Tell me.. name me.. name ONE single person in your life with whom you can spend 45 years and STILL not complaint about him or her.

Exactly. What you see in others… and four finger analogy or what not.

Came here for empowerment, left with bitter taste of doom and gloom. No doubt modern day psychiatry contributes to so much modern day misery!

My son is married to a woman who meets all the criteria outlined in your article. She has isolated him from his family and forced him to go no contact with me (his mother) and everyone in my family when she became physically abusive at 7 months pregnant. HE filed a police report at that time. She goes to extremes to ensure that no one in his family can even see a picture of the baby. Her identical twin is bi-polar as is her mother and grandmother. She is well educated and manipulative. I’ve now not spoken to my son for 2.5 years and a second child is born. I’m very concerned that he feels trapped in an abusive relationship. Her mother abused her dad and now lives 3 doors down from them. He told me before the cut-off that they move as a unit have no other friends and they are too strong for him to go against. Do I continue to keep my distance, send nice cards and emails here and there or is it time for me to try and have a face-to-face with my son and try and discern if he is really ok? I don’t want to fuss at him, I just want to be in their lives and be sure that he is ok. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Hi Melissa,

I’m sorry to read about your concerns for your son — that sounds like an awful situation. If it is safe to do so, I think it would be good to gently reach out to check in (ideally face-to-face) to let him know that you care and want to help. You’ll find some good advice on how to have this conversation here . Likewise, you might suggest that he have a chat with a counselor or therapist to get some advice, or you might want to ensure your son is aware of the domestic abuse hotlines available in your country . All of these are ways you can help convey that you and others care and that there are people who can help him safely leave the abusive situation.

I wish the best of luck for you and your son.

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What Is Guilt Tripping?

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

damircudic / Getty Images

• Getting Help

Frequently Asked Questions

A guilt trip means causing another person to feel guilt or a sense of responsibility to change their behavior or take a specific action. Because guilt can be such a powerful motivator of human behavior, people can wield it as a tool to change how others think, feel, and behave. 

Sometimes this might involve leaning on something that someone already feels guilty about. In other cases, people might induce feelings of unjustified guilt or responsibility to manipulate the other person's emotions and behaviors.

If someone has ever made you feel bad about something you’ve done (or didn’t do) and then used those bad feelings to get you to do something for them, then you have experience with guilt tripping.

This article discusses the signs, types, and impact of guilt trips. It also covers some of the steps you can take to cope with this type of behavior.

Signs of a Guilt Trip

Guilt trips can be intentional, but they can also be unintentional. There are chances that you have even guilt-tripped people into doing things before.

Sometimes guilt tripping behavior can be easy to spot, but it can also be much more subtle and difficult to detect.  Some key signs that others may be guilt-tripping you include:

• Making comments suggesting that you have not done as much work as they have done
• Bringing up mistakes that you have made in the past
• Reminding you of favors they have performed for you in the past
• Acting as if they are angry but then denying that there is a problem
• Refusing to speak to you or giving you the silent treatment
• Making it clear through their body language , tone of voice, and facial expressions that they disapprove of what you were doing
• Suggesting that you “owe” them
• Engaging in passive-aggressive behavior
• Making sarcastic comments about your efforts or progress

It is important to note that this type of indirect communication can occur in any interpersonal relationship. Still, it is more likely to take place in relationships that are marked by close emotional connections.

It can show up in romantic relationships, but guilt trips may also be utilized in family relationships, parental relationships, and even work relationships.

Types of Guilt Tripping

There are many different types of guilt trips that people may utilize depending on the ultimate goal or purpose of the behavior. Some of the different purposes of a guilt trip include:

• Manipulation : Sometimes, the primary goal of a guilt trip is to manipulate someone into doing something that they normally would not want to do.  
• Conflict avoidance : In other cases, people may use guilt trips to avoid directly talking about an issue. It allows them to get what they want without having to engage in direct conflict.
• Moral education : Guilt trips can also be a way of getting someone to engage in a behavior that the individual feels is more moral or “right.”
• Elicit sympathy : In some cases, guilt-tripping allows the individual to gain the sympathy of others by casting themselves in the role of someone who has been harmed by the actions the other person is supposed to feel guilty about.

Guilt isn't always a bad thing. While often troubling and unpleasant, it can serve an important role in guiding moral behavior. When people experience guilt, they can fix their mistakes and avoid repeating the same errors in the future.

Researcher Courtney Humeny

A guilt trip does not appear to induce the benefits of guilt, such as making amends, honesty, and mutual understanding.

Impact of Guilt Trips

Invoking feelings of guilt to change someone’s behavior can have a wide variety of effects. Whether guilt is wielded intentionally or not, it prevents healthy communication and connections with others. Some of the most immediate effects of this form of covert psychological manipulation include:

Damage to Relationships

Research suggests that guilt trips can take a toll on close relationships. One study found that people hurt by their partner's criticism were more likely to use those hurt feelings to make their partner feel guilty and offer reassurances.

However, the study also found that the partner who had been guilt-tripped into offering assurances was more likely to feel significantly worse about the relationship.

In other words, inducing feelings of guilt may work to get your partner to do what you want—but it comes at a cost. It can impair trust and cause the other person to feel that they are being manipulated. 

One of the reasons why guilt trips can poison relationships is because they can lead to lasting feelings of resentment.

"A guilt trip imposes aversive states associated with guilt, along with feelings of resentment from feeling manipulated," Humeny suggests.

A single occasion of someone using a guilt trip to alter your behavior might not have a serious impact on your relationship. Repeated use of guilt trips can leave you feeling bitter.

If you feel that your partner is always going to guilt you into something that you don't want to do, it can decrease intimacy, reduce emotional closeness, and ultimately make you start to resent your partner.

Research suggests that appeals to guilt are a common type of persuasion technique . However, while guilt can compel people to take certain actions, it can also sometimes backfire.

Low-level guilt tends to motivate people to act on the persuasive message. High levels of guilt, however, often fail due to what researchers call "reactance." 

"An individual in a state of reactance will behave in such a way as to restore his freedom (or, at least, his sense of freedom), for example, by performing behaviors that are contrary to those required," explain researchers Aurélien Graton and Melody Mailliez in a 2019 article published in the journal Behavioral Sciences .

In other words, guilt trips can backfire and lead people to behave opposite how someone else wants them to act. For example, someone guilt-tripping you into calling them more often might actually result in calling them less.

Poor Well-being

Feelings of excessive guilt are associated with several mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression , and obsessive-compulsive disorder . Being subjected to guilt trips may contribute to the development or worsening of such conditions.

Experiencing guilt can also lead to many immediate and unpleasant emotions and symptoms such as anxiety, sadness, regret, worry, muscle tension, and insomnia.

This type of covert manipulation may also sometimes contribute to the development of a guilt complex , which is a persistent belief that you have done (or will do) something wrong.

Over time, guilt can lead to feelings of shame. Shame can affect your self-image, which can then contribute to social withdrawal and isolation.

How to Cope With Guilt Tripping

There are a number of tactics that can be helpful when dealing with a guilt trip. Some steps you can take include:

• Acknowledge the request. Let them know that you understand that it is important to them. Responding with empathy and showing that you see their needs may help them feel that they are not simply being ignored. Validating their emotions may help lessen the intensity of those feelings.
• Share your feelings . Explain that you also see how they are trying to make you feel guilty so that you'll do what they want. Then tell them how that type of manipulation makes you feel. Suggest that interacting in that way will lead to resentment and that more direct communication forms would be more effective. 
• Set boundaries . Boundaries help set limits on what you will and will not accept. Even if you do end up helping them with their request, make sure you clearly articulate your limits and explain the consequences of crossing those boundaries. Then be sure that you enforce those limits if they are crossed.

Other things that you can use include protecting your self-esteem and distancing yourself if needed. You're more likely to fall for a guilt trip if you already feel poorly about yourself, so find strategies to build up your sense of self-worth. 

If the other person keeps trying to manipulate you with feelings of guilt, reduce your communication with them or even consider ending the relationship.

Protecting your own well-being should be a top priority. A person who tries to manipulate you with toxic feelings of shame and guilt does not have your best interests at heart.

Getting Help for Guilt

If you are experiencing feelings of guilt or related symptoms of anxiety, stress, or depression, talk to your health care provider or a mental health professional. They can recommend treatment options such as psychotherapy or medications that can help manage symptoms and improve the quality of your life.

Your doctor or therapist may suggest a type of therapy called cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) , which may help reduce inappropriate guilt feelings. This type of therapy can help you identify and change the negative thoughts and cognitive distortions that can contribute to feelings of guilt.

Your therapist can also help you learn to recognize the signs of a guilt trip—and help you practice strategies to cope with this type of emotional manipulation.

An example of guilt tripping might be your friend calling you and saying, "I know you are too busy with work to hang out. I'll just spend the evening by myself. I just thought that since I helped you get that job you would make sure to make a little more time for me." This type of comment is designed to induce feelings of guilt and bring up the idea that you "owe" them in some way.

Guilt tripping is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and feelings of guilt or responsibility. This can be a form of toxic behavior that can have detrimental effects on a person's well-being as well as their relationships.

While both behaviors are destructive and toxic, they differ in key ways. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that involves denying another person's reality and making them question their own experiences. Guilt tripping, on the other hand, is about causing another person to feel guilty in order to get them to change their behavior.

Humeny C. A qualitative investigation of a guilt trip . Conference: Institute of Cognitive Science Spring Proceedings.

Overall NC, Girme YU, Lemay EP Jr, Hammond MD. Attachment anxiety and reactions to relationship threat: the benefits and costs of inducing guilt in romantic partners . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2014;106(2):235-56. doi:10.1037/a0034371

Aurélien G, Melody M. A theory of guilt appeals: a review showing the importance of investigating cognitive processes as mediators between emotion and behavior .  Behav Sci (Basel) . 2019;9(12):117. doi:10.3390/bs9120117

Tilghman-Osborne C, Cole DA, Felton JW.  Definition and measurement of guilt: Implications for clinical research and practice .  Clin Psychol Rev . 2010;30(5):536-546. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.007

Miceli M, Castelfranchi C.  Reconsidering the differences between shame and guilt .  Eur J Psychol . 2018;14(3):710-733. doi:10.5964/ejop.v14i3.1564

Herr NR, Jones AC, Cohn DM, Weber DM.  The impact of validation and invalidation on aggression in individuals with emotion regulation difficulties .  Personal Disord . 2015;6(4):310-4. doi:10.1037/per0000129

Cleantis T. Boundaries and self-care . Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.

Hedman E, Ström P, Stünkel A, Mörtberg E. Shame and guilt in social anxiety disorder: effects of cognitive behavior therapy and association with social anxiety and depressive symptoms . PLoS One . 2013;8(4):e61713. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0061713

Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R. "It's not in your head": Gaslighting, 'splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions .  Perspect Psychol Sci . 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

How to Recognize Emotional Blackmail and Protect Yourself

It's important to protect yourself and your emotions

We all have that one person in our lives who pushes all our buttons. You know the one—they’re an expert at guilt trips , and instead of supporting our choices, they make us feel bad for putting our own needs first.

It could be a parent, partner, friend, or colleague—anyone who uses our emotions against us to get us to do what they want, even if it’s not the best thing for us.

This type of behavior is known as emotional blackmail. A form of emotional abuse , emotional blackmail is a manipulation technique people use to assert power and control in relationships, says Ashley Peña , LCSW, Executive Director at Mission Connection.

At a Glance

Whether it’s a controlling parent, a demanding boss , a manipulative partner, or a toxic friendship, dealing with emotional blackmail can be nerve-wracking. Someone who is emotionally blackmailing you may try to stonewall, manipulate, guilt, shame, or threaten you into doing what they want you to do.

However, it’s important to recognize this toxic behavior and take steps to address it. Setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them is key to protecting yourself and maintaining health relationships.

Recognizing Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail can take many forms. Here are some of the different emotional blackmail tactics someone in your life might utilize.

Silent Treatment

The person might stonewall you and give you the silent treatment when you don’t do what they want. This is a passive-aggressive communication tactic used to help someone gain control of a situation.

For example, the person may stop talking to you or responding to your calls and texts. Although it doesn’t sound like such a big deal, it can be incredibly frustrating when it’s someone important to you.

Guilt Trips

The person may lay on a big, fat guilt trip, making you feel bad about prioritizing your own wants or needs above theirs. They may make you feel indebted to them, like you owe them something, even if that’s not necessarily the case.

For example, a parent or family member who doesn’t approve of your life choices may say something along the lines of: “After everything we’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?"

This tactic plays on our desire to please others. Those of us who are particularly empathetic and hold extra concern for others may be uniquely susceptible to guilt trips.

Manipulation

Emotional blackmail can be pretty toxic, especially when it enters the realm of manipulation . The person may, for example, play the victim card in a given situation, making it seem like they’re suffering because of something you did even when that is clearly not the case.

For example, a co-worker might say, "I can't believe you won't cover my shift. Now I'll have to work late, and it's all your fault."

Sometimes, facing down emotional blackmail may require a level of comfort with confrontation. We know how difficult it is to confront people we care about, but learning to stand up for yourself is critical to maintaining healthy boundaries.

Exaggeration

The person might magnify their problems and try to make you feel responsible for their troubles, in order to get you to do what they want.

For example, Peña explains that a parent might say something like: “If you do that again, you’re going to be the reason why I lose my job and then we will have nothing.”

The person might call you out about something in front of others to pressure you into doing what they want.

For example, if you made a small mistake in a memo, a colleague might make a big deal about it in a team meeting and use it to discredit your ideas.

Threat and Ultimatums

The person may threaten you or issue ultimatums if you don’t do what they want. You might feel like you have no choice but to do as they ask.

According to Peña, these are some of threatening behavior to watch out for:

• Threatening punishment in effort to control you
• Threatening to hurt themselves or claiming they will be unable to function without you
• Threatening to make you face the consequences of their misfortunes

For instance, if you want to leave your marriage, your spouse may emotionally blackmail you into staying by saying: “If you leave me, I’ll make sure I get the kids, then you’ll be all alone.” Or, they might even say something like “You can’t leave me, I won’t survive a day without you.” Effective emotional blackmail often plays on some of our biggest fears—the blackmailer often knows where you may be most vulnerable.

Related: Why It Can Be Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship

The Impact of Emotional Blackmail

Research shows us that emotional blackmail can be just as harmful as physical abuse because it can be mentally and emotionally scarring.

Emotionally blackmailing children can affect the development of their core beliefs in a way that negatively impacts their relationships and careers in adulthood, says Peña.

In relationships, emotional blackmail is a form of abuse that can cause us to live in a constant state of guilt and fear, leading to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of identity and integrity, and difficulty connecting with other people, Peña explains.

In the workplace, emotional blackmail can cause us to give in to unreasonable demands and severely compromise our mental and physical well-being.

Addressing Emotional Blackmail

These are some strategies that can help you address emotional blackmail:

• Spot the red flags: The first step is to recognize problematic behavior and red flags . If it doesn’t seem like something is in your best interests, it probably isn’t.
• Stay cool: Although it can be difficult when you’re facing down an emotional blackmailer, keeping your cool can help you stay in control of the situation. Reacting emotionally just gives them what they want.
• Remember that you’re in control of your choices: Remind yourself that you're not responsible for someone else's problems. You have the right to make the choices that are best for you, without feeling guilty about it. Don’t let guilt or fear drive your decisions.
• Share your perspective neutrally: Use “I feel” statements to share your feelings and needs without pointing fingers. For example, instead of saying "You're making me feel guilty," try "I feel uncomfortable when you use guilt to get your way."
• Know when to walk away: Ask yourself whether the relationship is healthy. If it’s taking a toll on your mental and emotional well-being, it may not be. It’s important to recognize when it’s time to walk away from a toxic relationship .
• Limit your exposure to the person: Sometimes, creating physical or emotional distance is the best way to protect yourself. You can also block them on social media, if they’re using digital platforms to manipulate you.
• Find a shoulder to lean on: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what's going on. They can provide advice and emotional support, which can be incredibly helpful when you’re dealing with emotional manipulation.
• Seek support: Navigating emotional abuse can be extremely challenging, so it can be helpful to seek the support of a mental healthcare professional, says Peña.
• Prioritize self-care: Self-care is key. Whether it’s hitting the gym, taking some downtime, spending time with the fam, or cooking your favorite meal, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse, therefore, maintaining your physical safety is critical, says Peña.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 .

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database .

Establishing Boundaries

These are some tips that can help you set boundaries to protect yourself against someone who uses emotional blackmail:

• Identify your boundaries: First things first, you need to know what your boundaries are. Take some time to reflect on what you're comfortable with and what crosses the line for you.
• Assert yourself: Use clear, concise, and assertive language to express your limits. For example, you can say, "I don't appreciate when you guilt-trip me and I won't give in to it."
• Lay out the consequences: Let the person know the consequences of crossing your boundaries. For instance, you could say "If you continue to try to manipulate me, I will walk away from this conversation." It's important to use clear language like this and not try to manipulate right back.
• Stick to your guns: Once you've set your boundaries, it’s important to show the person you mean business by sticking to them. Don't waver or compromise when they test you.

We know that emotional blackmail can be stressful and overwhelming. However, it’s important to stand up for yourself and set boundaries so that the person can’t manipulate you anymore. 

Remember that you’re in charge of your life and your decisions, and no one can scare you or guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. Although it can be difficult to walk away from a toxic situation, loved ones and mental health professionals can be a source of support and strength to rely on during this process.

Read Next: How to Create Emotional Boundaries in Your Relationship

Read the original article on Verywell Mind .

Insights on Mental Health, Self Improvement, and Psychology

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Follow psychcrumbs on social, psychcrumbs, type and hit enter to search, understanding the psychology behind guilt tripping.

Picture this: You’ve had a long day at work, and you’re looking forward to a relaxing evening at home. But just as you’re settling in, your phone rings. It’s your friend who needs a last-minute favor. You feel torn – you want to help but are exhausted and lack energy. 

Before you can even respond, your friend lays on a guilt trip: “I need your help,” they say, “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.” Suddenly, you feel guilty for even considering saying no. You reluctantly agree, feeling resentful and drained.

This scenario is all too familiar for many of us. Guilt-tripping is a common tactic people use to get what they want, often at the expense of others’ well-being. It can be subtle or overt, but the effect is the same – it leaves us feeling manipulated, powerless, and resentful. 

In this post, we’ll explore guilt-tripping, why it’s harmful, and how to avoid falling into this trap.

What Is Guilt Tripping?

Guilt-tripping is when someone uses emotional appeals, such as making exaggerated claims or playing on your emotions, to make you feel guilty or responsible for something. 

They may try to make you feel like you are letting them down or not doing enough, even if you have done everything you can. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and obligation, which can be very difficult to deal with.

Examples of Guilt-Tripping

It’s always hard to deal with guilt trips, especially when they’re coming from someone close to you. There are a lot of ways to avoid this problem, as well as some ways to deal with it if it does come up. 

You don’t need to let them use guilt trips on you to get them to do what they want. And to do that, you need to understand what it looks like. So, here are some common examples:

• Passive-Aggressive Comments: Someone may make comments to make you feel guilty about something you have or haven’t done. For example, “Oh, I guess I’ll just do it myself like always” when you decline to help them.
• Emotional Blackmail: They may threaten to harm themselves or others if you don’t comply with their demands. For example, “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll be really upset and might hurt myself.”
• Silent Treatment: They may give you silent treatment or withdraw their affection to make you feel guilty or responsible for their behavior.
• Comparison: You may be compared to others to make you feel guilty or inferior. For example, “Your sister always helps me with this. I guess you’re just too busy for me.”
• Over-exaggeration: They may exaggerate a situation or emotion to make you feel guilty or responsible. For example, “I can’t believe you would do this to me. You’re ruining my life.”

Why Is Guilt-Tripping a Form of Emotional Manipulation?

Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional manipulation because it involves using emotional appeals to make someone feel guilty or responsible for something they may not be responsible for. It can be a subtle or overt tactic individuals use to control or manipulate others.

A guilt trip can be particularly difficult to deal with because it can create a sense of obligation or responsibility in the target. You may feel you must comply with the manipulator’s demands to prevent negative consequences or maintain the relationship. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and even depression.

Being angry is okay. Screaming at people and breaking stuff isn’t. Being jealous is okay. Sabotaging relationships isn’t. Being anxious and insecure is okay. Seeking validation by guilt tripping and manipulating people isn’t. — sofea the first🪽 (@goodlucksofea) April 16, 2023

Why Is Guilt-Tripping Harmful?

Guilt-tripping is one of the most exhausting emotions to cope with. It’s also one of the most difficult to deal with daily. Not only is it draining emotionally to cope with guilt, but it’s also taxing on your mental health. Being around someone who guilt-trips you can be mentally exhausting. Here is how it affects an individual.

1. It Can Damage Relationships

Guilt-tripping can create a cycle of negative emotions and behaviors in relationships. It can lead to resentment, anger, and a lack of trust between people. Over time, this can damage relationships and even lead to the breakdown of friendships, romantic relationships, or family relationships.

Guilt-trippers use guilt to excuse their bad behavior and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They will often blame their partner for any problems in the relationship or try to make them feel responsible for any problems they may be having with other people (such as friends or family).

2. It Can Affect Mental Health

Guilt-tripping can significantly impact a person’s mental health. It can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and even depression. If someone is constantly being guilt-tripped, it can erode their self-esteem and make them feel like they are not good enough or that they are always doing something wrong.

When someone uses guilt-tripping to manipulate others, they feel bad about themselves and their lives. This may lead them to believe they must change their behavior to please the manipulator instead of themselves or those around them who matter.

3. It Can Be Used to Control Others

Guilt-tripping can be a tool for manipulation and control. If someone is constantly guilt-tripping another person, it can be a way to get them to do what they want or to maintain power in a relationship. This can be especially harmful in power imbalances, such as abusive relationships.

If someone is guilt-tripping you, it can make you feel like you owe them something or that you should be doing what they want. This can include making you feel guilty for things unrelated to the situation or even blaming others for their mistakes.

4. It Can Create a Sense of Obligation

Guilt-tripping can create a sense of obligation or responsibility in the target. The target may feel they must comply with the manipulator’s demands to prevent negative consequences or maintain the relationship. This can be especially harmful when the target is not responsible for the manipulator’s feelings or actions.

Manipulators often use guilt-tripping to blame others for their shortcomings and failures in life. They may also use it as an excuse for their actions if they’ve done something wrong or hurtful toward another person.

What to Do If You’re Being Guilt-Tripped?

We’ve all been there — caught in a guilt trip. It’s tough; it’s uncomfortable. You feel that you’re the bad person, that the other party is right and wronged you. But what do you do if you’re being guilt-tripped? Here are some steps you can take if you find yourself in the same position:

1. Take a Step Back

Sometimes, guilt can be a normal and healthy emotion that helps us recognize when we have done something wrong or hurtful. However, other times, guilt can be misplaced or overly intense, causing us to feel bad about ourselves even when we haven’t done anything wrong.

Taking a break from the situation or conversation can give you the necessary space to reflect on your thoughts and feelings and determine if the guilt is justified. This can help you gain clarity and perspective and decide how to move forward.

2. Communicate Your Feelings

Being clear and assertive about how their behavior is making you feel can help them understand the impact of their actions and how it’s affecting you.

Setting boundaries is also important, as it helps establish what you are willing and unwilling to do. It’s important to be firm and consistent in enforcing these boundaries, as allowing others to cross them can lead to resentment and other guilt-tripping behavior.

When communicating with someone who is guilt-tripping you, use “I” statements and avoid blaming or attacking them. For example, saying, “I feel hurt and manipulated when you guilt-trip me,” is more effective than saying, “You always guilt-trip me, and it’s unfair.”

3. Don’t Take Responsibility for Their Feelings

While we can empathize with others and try to be understanding of their emotions, we cannot control or be responsible for their feelings.

If someone attempts to make you feel guilty for their emotions, it can be a sign of manipulation or unhealthy communication patterns. So, set boundaries and communicate assertively that you cannot take responsibility for their emotions.

Healthy communication involves taking ownership of our emotions and expressing them respectfully and constructively. It’s not fair or healthy for someone to try to make us feel guilty for their emotions, and we should prioritize our well-being and boundaries in these situations.

4. Seek Support

Seeking support from others can be incredibly helpful when dealing with a guilt tripper. Friends and family can provide a listening ear and offer their perspective on the situation. They can also help you process your emotions and develop strategies for dealing with the guilt tripper.

A therapist can also be a valuable resource, as they can provide professional guidance and support. They can help you identify patterns in the guilt tripper’s behavior and develop coping strategies to manage emotions and set boundaries.

5. Consider Ending the Relationship

If someone is constantly guilt-tripping you and making you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship. Prioritize your well-being and mental health, and being in a relationship where you’re constantly being manipulated or made to feel guilty is unhealthy.

Ending a relationship can be difficult, but protecting yourself from further emotional harm may be necessary. Additionally, try to communicate your boundaries and concerns to the guilt tripper, but if their behavior does not change, it may be necessary to end the relationship.

Ending a relationship does not mean you have failed or are weak. It can be a sign of strength and self-care to recognize when a relationship is not healthy and take action to protect yourself.

Getting Ahead in the Life

As you can see, guilt-tripping is not a black-and-white issue. Rather, it’s a gray area with differing shades depending on the situation. It is a manipulative tactic that can be used in various relationships to control and coerce people into doing things they don’t want to do. Despite this, one thing remains true: guilt tripping is not okay.

It can be challenging to deal with guilt trippers, but recognizing the warning signs and setting boundaries can help you protect yourself from their manipulative behavior. You are not responsible for someone else’s emotions, and it’s essential to prioritize your well-being in any situation. By staying calm, assertive, and honest, you can protect yourself from guilt-tripping and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships with the people in your life.

Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tactic to make someone feel guilty for something they have or have not done.

How to Tell If Someone Is Guilt Tripping You?

Signs of guilt-tripping include blaming, intimidation, passive-aggressiveness, emotional appeals, and exaggeration.

How to Stop Someone From Guilt-Tripping You?

Stay calm, be assertive, and set boundaries. Have an open and honest conversation with the person about how their behavior is affecting you.

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Hi, I am Happy. I'm a professional writer and psychology enthusiast. I love to read and write about human behaviors, the mind, mental health-related topics, and more.

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Emotional Blackmail: Definition, Examples & How to Stop It

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Discovering you are a victim of emotional blackmail stirs up mixed emotions. More so, if someone you care about is using this form of psychological manipulation to control you.

Emotional blackmailing typically occurs in close relationships, especially between romantic partners. It could take place in other types of close relationships, such as within the family or friendships. Notice these are people who know you at the core.

Unfortunately, blackmailing may persist for a long time before you recognize you’re a victim. There’s a valid reason. Many people do not know what emotional blackmail looks like or even how to navigate this toxic situation.

Nevertheless, the practice can be harmful to your emotional and mental well-being, regardless of who the manipulator is. On the bright side of things, you have a level of awareness and are ready to take the 10 steps below to end blackmailing.

Today, I’m going to unpack key things to know about emotional blackmail. Don’t be surprised if you have an  “Ah, ha!”  moment once I explain  how blackmail works  and provide  examples of statements and behavior  by blackmailers.

You may want to blame yourself for not noticing the signs earlier on.

Having been a victim of emotional blackmail myself, I understand how easy it is to self-blame. Rest assured, you are not responsible for another person’s manipulative behavior.

That being said, I will guide you on everything you need to know about emotional blackmail and how to end the manipulator’s game. Let’s begin by gaining a better grasp of what it means for someone to blackmail you emotionally.

Table of Contents

What Is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a dysfunctional  manipulative practice  where someone attempts to get what they want by using threats. The tactic is akin to emotional abuse.  The blackmailer may  openly threaten or imply  that you will suffer in some way if you do not comply with their demands. Usually, it’s someone who knows things about you and is aware you won’t want them to share.

Threatening to do something or expose you causes FOG, or (F) Fear, (O) Obligation, and (G) Guilt. You may then unwillingly comply to avoid shame, embarrassment, or harm to your reputation.

In other instances, the person may direct the threat towards themselves or someone you love. For example, threatening to harm themselves, expose your loved ones, or harm your pet. All of these instances also create the FOG effect, which is key for blackmail to work.

The term emotional blackmail gained popularity once authors began writing about the manipulative tactic. A book that stands out is one written by the late  Susan Forward, Ph.D. ,  “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.”

She is also known for introducing the term, “FOG,” in explaining how people use emotional blackmailing tactics to maintain control. Forward also regards the behavior as an abusive strategy emotional blackmailers use.

Creating FOG also allows the person to shift the blame and responsibility for their wrongdoings to the victim.  

9 Examples of Statements Emotional Blackmailers Use

Blackmailing you by targeting your feelings can take different forms. In many cases, manipulative behavior by the person takes the form of making demands and threats or giving ultimatums.

The intent is to play off of your fears about a particular thing they know puts you in a very vulnerable state. Not only that, but the strategy forms a power dynamic where the manipulator becomes the one holding the power.

If you’ve experienced any of the following emotional blackmail examples, you may have been a target:

• Creating FEAR and GUILT: “If you break up with me, I’m going to harm myself, and it will be all your fault!”
• Causing FEAR through   conditions or ultimatums:  “I won’t help you unless you do X.”
• Causing GUILT:  “You are cruel and uncaring for not meeting my needs.”
• Creating FEAR by threatening to reveal secrets:   “You owe me. Remember what I did for you? You won’t want anyone finding out.”
• Causing a sense of OBLIGATION:  “If you really loved me, you would do it for me.”
• Inducing FEAR through ultimatums:  “ You better do this for me, or I’m going to cut you out of my estate.”
• Creating OBLIGATION to illicit a favor:  “A good husband will do this for his wife. Why wouldn’t you do it for me?”
• Creating GUILT to make you feel bad about yourself:   “I’m an alcoholic all because of you. You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most!”
• Causing a sense of OBLIGATION: “Adult children are supposed to help their parents. Otherwise, it means they don’t love you.”

Why Do Some People Use Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmailers tend to resort to psychological manipulation because they lack the communication skills needed to say what’s on their minds or what they need.

The behavior may have been learned in childhood. They become hardwired to use blackmail tactics to get their way by the time they are adults.

This is a problem when your agreement goes against your will, feelings, and well-being. However,  you comply because you don’t want to be punished or suffer the threatened consequences .

Individuals with certain types of personalities are more prone to using FOG techniques to get compliance from others. They include people with  narcissistic personality disorder , sociopathic tendencies, or borderline personality disorder.

Individuals in all three groups have been found to rely on manipulative methods to get what they want.

They learned, usually in childhood, that they  get results easier by playing on people’s emotions , weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, instead of being forthright about their concerns or needs.

While a healthy-minded person would easily speak up, a blackmailer uses FOG. They say, imply, act, or threaten actions that play on your fears. For example, threatening to use knowledge about your past to destroy your reputation unless you give in to their request.

They have already studied you. They know your fears and are not afraid to use the knowledge to their advantage. You then feel obligated to do as they demand to avoid the consequences threatened.

Blackmailers aren’t always aware they’re manipulating you. However, a  lack of awareness  is not an excuse or makes emotional blackmail acceptable. Once you become aware of it, you owe it to yourself to take control of the situation.

How to Deal with Emotional Blackmail in 10 Steps

The blackmailer could be a romantic partner, parent, adult child, sibling, friend, boss, or even a random stranger who believes they can play off of your emotions.

Regardless of the relationship with the person, threatening to blackmail you isn’t something to take lightly.

Getting blackmailed by anyone constitutes emotional abuse against you. Being a target can  impact your mental health . You may feel confused, guilty, ashamed, depressed, doubtful, or even question your sanity. 

However,  the blackmailer isn’t concerned about your feelings, respect, trust, or love.  They have an agenda and you are the target.

There are also reasons why blackmailers tend to get away with what they do. For one, it is a subtle form of manipulation. Their sinister motives are sometimes hidden behind their charming or saintly personality.

Some of them have earned your trust, which makes it harder to spot blackmailing signs and the effects of their abusive strategies.

Now that you’ve grown in awareness of this subject, the next thing is to take steps to manage the situation. Consider these  10 actionable ways to protect yourself and regain your dignity.

1. Ask the person for a one-on-one conversation

Maybe you’re not one to ‘rock the boat’. You don’t want to upset anyone, so you either tip-toe around the problem or you comply to avoid disagreement.

In the case of emotional blackmail, the situation calls for an  assertive approach . Begin by setting up a proper day and time to discuss your observations and concerns.

You could say something like,  “I’m concerned about the way we interact and would like to discuss it further at your earliest convenience.” 

At the meeting, explain what you’ve noticed the individual doing. Let them know how that affects you. Next, ask them to ask you directly for what they need instead of making you feel fearful, obligated, or guilty.

2. Highlight the unacceptable conduct

Manipulators, such as narcissists, tend to ‘play the fool’ when you call out their toxic behavior. They are also ready to quickly  shift the blame to you  or someone else. With this in mind, carefully point out what they’ve been doing wrong and hold  them accountable.

For example, by saying,  “I noticed I’m usually on the receiving end of threats, conditions, and ultimatums when you’d like to get something. I will no longer accept this or similar behavior.”  (or something along those lines)

You can achieve results without expressly calling them an  “emotional blackmailer.”  The intention is to get compliance from them without creating any friction. Taking this approach may be more effective.

Not only that, it lowers the risk of straining your relationship with your partner or other loved ones.

3. Keep your emotions in check

Narcissists and other manipulators are always looking for the weaknesses in others to play off of. While expressing your concerns, be careful not to demonstrate anger or emotional pain.

Don’t beg, don’t cry, don’t plead. You have to appear stone-faced. Otherwise, they will find a way to use it against you later on.

The goal here is to be assertive about pointing out emotional blackmailing tendencies while keeping yourself together.

To show emotion or weakness is to give the blackmailer power to manipulate the present situation.

4. Don’t negotiate with the emotional blackmailer

Being true to nature, the blackmailer may attempt to negotiate their way out of the situation. They hate being cornered or exposed.

If shifting the blame to make you feel guilty doesn’t work, they may agree to change by setting a condition. For example, by saying  “I’ll change and I won’t tell your secrets if you do [this or that]) . Let them know the matter is non-negotiable and stick your guns.

Their manipulative response makes sense when you put their traits in context. They operate from a place of low self-esteem, which is why they resort to abusive and manipulative strategies such as FOG.

Deep down inside, they  don’t feel worthy  of receiving love, respect, and the benefits of close relationships. They believe the only way to get these things is through underhanded tactics.

5. Set limitations

Being open to whoever and whatever comes your way creates opportunities for blackmailers and narcissists to exploit you. You can reduce the chance of getting influenced by the person by  setting up healthy boundaries .

Think of it as a fortress to keep you physically and emotionally safe.  Here are some responses that can work:

• If they threaten to harm themselves, offer  empathy and compassion  and tell them you can call for help.
• If they use emotional blackmail to extort money from you, say,  “I’m truly sorry to hear about your situation, but I won’t continue giving money.”
• If they use the FOG approach, tell them you may be able to assist if they clarify what it is they want.
• Point out behaviors you will no longer abide by, including their attempts to instill fear, guilt, or obligation.
• Let them know you will be taking threats seriously and will take steps to protect yourself.
• Reassure them you will follow through with consequences if they disregard your wishes.

6. Quit people-pleasing

Blackmailers are all too familiar with the vulnerabilities of people-pleasers and will use them to their advantage to get their needs met.

People-pleasers are individuals who have difficulty saying  “No.”  The people-pleasing personality develops from a poor image of one’s self. It can also stem from getting gratification, validation, or a sense of self-worth from being nice and helpful to others.

You can combat the tendency to help or please by learning the power of saying, “NO.” The one-word response sets a limit to what the blackmailer gets, which is nothing in this case.

You will get better at foiling their plans to abuse you the more you  practice denying their attempts  to trade off your emotions.

7. Build up your self-esteem

Manipulators find people who lack self-confidence to be easier targets for emotional blackmail.

Having low self-worth or personal insecurities makes an individual more willing to do things to get approval, affection, or praise from others. Blackmailers prey on those insecurities to get their own needs satisfied.

You can flip the script by learning the  ways to improve your self-image and become secure . For example, set realistic boundaries and consequences for those who disregard them. Another thing is to practice self-compassion.

Don’t be too hard on yourself for being generous toward others. At the same time, recognize the boundary line between their needs and your self-preservation.

8. Show no fear, obligation, or guilt

To me, one of the most effective weapons for ending emotional blackmail is to neutralize the very things that cause the situation to prevail.

When the person tries to instill fear, show them courage. If they try to instill guilt, counteract it with  self-compassion .

When they impose an obligation, rebut it with freedom. Let them know you are free to do as you like.

As simple as they seem, these counter strategies can neutralize the power and control the person is trying to wield over you. In the end, you would have effectively  beaten them at their own game .

9. Do not engage with the blackmailer

Blackmailing cannot work unless there is a willing participant. You are the participant in the instant case.

Realize that you hold all the power and can  easily take power away from the blackmailer by disengaging . Simply check out of the toxic dynamic they’ve created to achieve their agenda.

Since you are a valuable asset to them, they won’t easily give up. They are aware they will need to find a new person to manipulate to satisfy their needs. The process takes time and work to learn someone else's vulnerabilities and weaknesses.

On that note, be prepared for pushbacks and attempts to break through the personal boundaries you’ve established.

Keep reinforcing your decision not to be a part of their little emotional abuse scheme. Eventually, they will accept they’ve lost the battle and are now powerless against you.

10. Distance yourself from the toxic situation

Even with the best of intentions and actionable steps to deal with an emotional blackmailer, things may not turn out as expected.

That’s okay. You can simply walk away, disconnect, or tune out. You’re in  self-preservation  since you’re aware the person only cares about themselves.

They used your love, kindness, and willingness against you and got away with it long enough. Now it is high time to ‘put the final nail in the coffin’.

We cannot control people, but we can establish boundaries to protect ourselves from those who are unreasonable and manipulative. We can shield ourselves from those who do not honor our wishes or do right by us.

Final Thoughts on Emotional Blackmail

Since being the target of manipulation of this nature can adversely impact your mental health, it is imperative to address it as soon as you become aware it’s happening.

I believe you’re empowered to handle the situation confidently by applying the information and tools acquired here.

Note, that dealing with the blackmailer may not be an easy task. They may try to manipulate their way back into your good graces. Stay firm on your commitment to ending emotional blackmail for good.

Remind yourself that this is about protecting your well-being and taking back your power. Chances are the blackmailer in your life is a narcissist? Find out  19 Weird Things That Narcissists Do to Manipulate People .

And if you're looking for more articles about relationships, be sure to check out these blog posts:

• 13 Heartbreaking Signs Your Marriage is Over
• 7 Emotional Abuse Tests to See if You’re in an Abusive Relationship
• 4 Steps to Validate Someone’s Feelings

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What is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a relationship dynamic that involves a person instilling fear, obligation, and guilt into a relationship with another person. [1] As author and psychotherapist Susan Forward explains, people in intimate relationships will use such manipulation tactics as a form of punishment for their partners not doing what they want them to do. [2]

While those in intimate relationships will not always do everything their partner wants them to do, most attempt to work out their disagreements with communication and collaboration. A partner who engages in emotional blackmail, however, will use coercive methods to attempt to control their partner and their relationship. A person who engages in these types of manipulation can use the personal and vulnerable knowledge they have about their partner against them to cause their partner to feel responsible for changing themselves or their actions to make their partner more comfortable.

Often, even if the partner does change to try to meet the manipulative partner’s expectations, they will set entirely new rules that the partner needs to meet, decreasing their ability to maintain a solid sense of self-worth, and ultimately creating a sense of dependency on their partner. The demands that a partner may try to place at first may seem reasonable, but over time can become more controlling and irrational.

How to Recognize Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail, as with many other forms of abusive behavior, is progressive in nature and tends to follow a pattern of becoming more and more controlling and manipulative over time. [3] Here are some key indicators that a person is using emotional blackmail as a manipulation tool in a relationship:

Demands Combined With Threats

A partner may begin to demand certain things from their partner and use threats to get them to comply.

The Partner Resists the Demands

Initially, a partner will retreat from or avoid a demanding partner to attempt to express displeasure with the demands or expectations.

The Manipulative Tactics Continue

Once the victimized partner avoids or resists unrealistic demands, the abusive partner will often use fear or excessive guilt to make the victimized partner feel responsible for the conflict in the relationship. This can cause the victim to feel unsure about what is real and may cause them to develop guilt that they were the ones to create the problem and that they are responsible for meeting their partner’s needs to maintain happiness and safety in the relationship.

Threats will become more severe in this stage and an abusive partner may use emotional blackmail to try to ensure that the victimized partner will be responsible for whatever repercussions come when they do not comply with what the abusive partner as asked.

The Victimized Partner Gives In

Once a victimized partner feels an obligation to give in, they accommodate whatever demand was placed on them. The abusive partner’s threats and manipulation then subsides until the next need for control arises.

Manipulative Tactics Used by an Emotional Blackmailer

Here are some of the ways that a partner uses manipulation to assert their demands in an emotionally abusive relationship:

• Making a partner feel “crazy” for not accepting their demands or beliefs.
• Controlling the behavior of their partner.
• Ignoring resistance or boundaries of others.
• Blaming their partner and not taking responsibility for their part in the relational conflict.
• Apologizing in order to temper the conflict but engaging in continued controlling behavior once the discord has ended.
• Using fear, obligation, threats, and guilt.
• Being unwilling to negotiate or compromise.
• Does not identify care or concern about their partner’s wants or needs.
• Threatening and intimidating using vulnerable and personal knowledge or information to coerce a partner to comply.
• Making a partner feel obligated to “earn” back affection or intimacy in a relationship by complying with what they need or want.
• Accusations and skepticism about a partner’s dedication or devotion to the abusive partner (jealousy).
• Threats to harm themselves, their partner, or someone or something close to the partner.

How to Deal With an Emotional Blackmailer

If you find yourself in a situation where you feel as if your partner is becoming increasingly manipulative and engaging in emotional blackmail, it is important to understand these dynamics to help you understand the manipulation taking place and how to get out of a possible dangerous situation. Here are some things to remember to keep yourself safe and to promote healthy relationship dynamics with your partner:

Blackmail and Threatening Behaviors Are Not Love

Remembering that healthy relationships involve care, compromise, and consideration for a partner can help you to recognize that threats to harm themselves, you, or someone close to you are not qualities of a healthy, loving relationship.

Giving in to Demands Will Increase Abusive Power

Abusive partners will use threatening and manipulative language to get what they want. Once they get it, they realize that this kind of abuse is effective, and it will continue if a victimized partner continues to give in to their abusive partner’s demands. Seek help if you feel like you are struggling with giving in to an abusive partner’s demands.

Know Your Worth

Maintaining a solid sense of self-worth and confidence in yourself is essential in any relationship but is extremely important in situations with demanding or abusive partners. An emotionally manipulative partner will work to deteriorate their partner’s sense of self to keep them under their control. [4]

Getting Help

Emotional blackmail can cause people to feel powerless in getting out of dangerous relationships. If you feel as if you’re losing confidence in your ability to make decisions, or losing self-esteem in general, it is important to seek some support from a mental health professional so that you do not fall victim to another person’s threats, blackmail, or other manipulative tactics. If you fear for your safety, reach out to any of several emergency resources for immediate assistance.

• Karnani, S. R., & Zelman, D. C. (2019). Measurement of emotional blackmail in couple relationships in Hong Kong . Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice , 8 (3), 165–180. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000126
• Forward, S., & Frazier, D. (1998). Emotional blackmail: When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. New York, HarperCollins, 6 th ed.
• Brandt, J. (2019). Emotional blackmail: How to end the cycle . Webinar available from the American Veterinary Medical Association. Accessed from: https://axon.avma.org/local/catalog/view/product.php?productid=109
• Green, E. (2020) Masters of Emotional Blackmail: Understanding and Dealing with Verbal Abuse and Emotional Manipulation. How Manipulators Use Guilt, Fear, Obligation, and Other Tactics to Control People. Digitalpress LLC, I st ed.

Dr. Shannon McHugh is a Licensed Clinical and Forensic Psychologist in Los Angeles, California. She specializes in assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and adults who have developmental and social delays, behavioral difficulties, and those who have experienced traumatic events

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What Is Emotional Blackmail? Here's How To Spot The Toxic Behavior.

On Assignment For HuffPost

Let’s say you’re in a romantic relationship. You have shared a dog with your partner for five years, but the dog is technically your partner’s dog; he adopted it six months before you got together. You love this dog, and during a particularly heated argument with your significant other, he says, “If you leave me, you’ll never see the dog again.”

This is just one example of emotional blackmail, which Karla Ivankovich , a clinical counselor based in Chicago, said is when “someone close to us uses the things they know about us against us as a means of harm or manipulation.” Usually, the manipulator uses fear, guilt or obligation to get what they want.

The concept of emotional blackmail was popularized by psychotherapist Susan Forward in the late 1990s . It can exist in the context of a romantic relationship or any relationship where the ties are close-knit. It’s not always a sign the relationship is doomed and over, but it can be indicative of a very unhealthy dynamic if it persists.

What Emotional Blackmail Looks Like

Some forms of emotional blackmail can be overt and shocking, according to Darlene Lancer , a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Conquering Shame and Codependency.”

“Easy examples of emotional blackmail are blatant or implied threats, such as, ‘I’ll tell the children you had an affair,’ or ambiguous threats, such as ‘You’ll be sorry if you...’ or ‘How would you like your parents, friends, boss, etc., to know you did XYZ?’” Threats are meant to invoke fear.

On the flip side, some of them can be very subtle or cavalier, like guilt-tripping. For instance, Lancer said, something like, “A friend would loan me money. How can you say you’re my friend and not help me out when I’m in a bind like this?” Or, “What about the time you borrowed money from me back in college?”

Pressuring or reminding someone of their duties can be another low-key tactic of emotional blackmail. Let’s say your mom wants you to come home to visit and help out your family, but you don’t think it’s smart to travel. “But this is family. This is what you’re supposed to do for each other,” she might say. This tactic is meant to invoke a sense of obligation.

Emotional blackmail isn’t always malicious, though it can be used as a conscious means of strategic control ― a means to an end to get what they want. Maybe your friend knows you have people-pleasing tendencies, so they get sullen when you say you can’t do something for them.

“Gaslighting is another example of that, where the manipulator consciously plants seeds of doubt in the victim,” Lancer said. For instance, you notice your partner flirting with their co-worker, and then they make you feel crazy for thinking they could ever be into someone they work with.

That said, it’s not always done with ulterior motives; sometimes the manipulator really feels justified in their request or statement. “Emotional blackmail can be born out of insecurity or out of a lack of understanding of how to communicate feelings, so it is not always toxic,” Ivankovich said.

Maybe your partner simply doesn’t realize how to say that they feel you’ve been distant, and they’re scared you are planning to break up with them ― so they make a threat.

Lancer said that narcissists, those with borderline personality disorder or other related psychological conditions may employ emotional blackmail more frequently and often unknowingly ― but this is definitely not always the case.

“It usually arises out of a fear of abandonment or a feeling of shame,” Lander said. “Either way, the manipulator feels a serious threat to their ego and sense of self.”

How To Confront Emotional Blackmail

It’s not your responsibility to “fix” someone who is treating you badly. “Remember that the manipulator has choices about their behavior and dilemmas, and that they are trying to shift that responsibility to you,” Lancer said. “Don’t let them.”

That said, there are ways to bring up your concerns with a loved one if you believe that this unhealthy behavior is something they’re unaware of.

For instance, if your partner threatens to leave or to tell the world about your indiscretion, Lancer said, you should directly and firmly state a boundary by telling them to stop.

Lander said this can feel scary, but it usually works. “Threats often don’t materialize, because they’re usually a plea for more attention,” she explained. “You can also assure the manipulator that you love them and want the relationship intact, but are unwilling to do what they want.”

If you’re dealing with a repeat offender, Ivankovich said, all good solutions start with communication.

“You should talk to your partner to express concern,” she said. “If their goal is to hijack your emotions, then you first need to be clear with yourself what you are willing to accept. Express this to them, and hold to it.” You can say, clearly, that you won’t be manipulated.

“If this person won’t stop despite your requests and continues, then it is time to consider stepping away,” she said. Emotional blackmail is an abusive dynamic, especially if it continues after boundaries are clearly laid. You deserve to feel loved and supported, not threatened.

But beyond that, says Ivankovich, talk to the manipulator about why this is happening.

“If insecurities exist, ask what you can do to help them feel more secure,” she said. Maybe your mom needs more phone calls each month. Maybe your partner needs more regular romantic gestures. Maybe your friend doesn’t realize the guilt and discomfort they’re causing by repeatedly asking for something when you’ve already said no.

“Communication leads to success,” Ivankovich said.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 for the National Dating Abuse Helpline .

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