grief is a journey not a destination

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Why Grief is a Journey, Not Just a Step Outside.

• Posted By March 6, 2019

Grief is often described as a journey – how poetic, right? Some days, we wonder why our grief can’t just be as easy as taking a step outside to clear our heads and “get back on the horse”. Remember that grief isn’t just about becoming resilient in the face of loss and quickly finding a new normal, as though we are on a scavenger hunt. Grief is about growing through our loss experiences and continually building our “new normal”.

I feel as though many inspirational quotes can really romanticize grief as a journey by talking about it from the point of what happens when you “get to the top”. Some days, we need inspiration like that. We need to know there’s a “view” to look forward to.

What I will say is that when we talk about grief as a journey, we don’t just think about those “Ohhhh, wow!” moments. We are also talking about the moments when you may feel lost and confused. Grief doesn’t have steps for us to complete or a map for us to follow, so of course we may get a bit lost now and then!

How about when you take a trail you thought would get you to one place, but you really just end up where you’ve already been? These may be the times that grief kind of sneaks up on you and you think to yourself, “Well, I didn’t know this was happening today … ok”. It’s also about the moments where you are tired, dirty, hungry, and want a break. I like to call this grief brain. When things seem to be a bit too much and daily life can tire us out. This is when we really need to focus on self-care. These are some of the hard truths we don’t necessarily like to talk about, because they aren’t pretty, and they may not feel like very hopeful moments.

But what happens when we don’t talk about them? All we see are people’s highlight reels of how wonderfully they are coping and growing, without even trying? That doesn’t seem right. We need to know that not every step of the way is going to be easy. Sometimes we may have to struggle, stop to figure out what trail to take next, wait out the storms. We need to talk about the tough stuff, so we can fully appreciate all the hard work we are doing to grow through these challenges.

But that’s not all that we find on our journeys. Sometimes we find another person walking their own path and we chat for a while. These people can become our friends, our supports, and our companions. Maybe we hike with them and know that even though we are walking the same way, we are both different people and need to do what’s best for us on the trail. Remember that everyone’s journeys look different and there is no right or wrong way to trek through yours.

Now let’s talk about those moments where we find a view that we want to sit down and take in. Maybe it’s a memory or an accomplishment we want to savor for a few moments. Embrace these when you find them – these are very special moments. These are awesome rest stops on the journey, but they are not our destination.

There is no destination. Before we take that as a discouraging comment, think about the pressure that can be lifted from the expectation of “reaching the end” or “finishing your journey”. We will always be on this journey, because isn’t that what life is? So, don’t put a time limit or other expectations on it; grief wasn’t meant to be put in a box off to the side. Give your grief a chance to grow and change with you. Some days it will feel like a big rock in your pack, and other days it might just be a small beautiful stone you keep in your pocket. It’s a part of you. It’s a part of your journey. We don’t get over it, but we can keep Actively Moving Forward in our grief journey.

Written by Kiri Meyer, MS, LPC, NCC

Director of Programming for Actively Moving Forward® (AMF), a HealGrief program

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Grief and Loss: A Journey, Not A Destination

Grief is a common human experience that extends beyond cultural and socioeconomic background. It is a complex combination of emotions, thoughts, and reactions that one encounters in response to loss. Grief may be experienced through physical, psychological, or even unexpected reactions. There is no singular, conventional response to loss; everyone grieves differently. Grief is a journey that each person has to undertake on their unique path.  

Are all losses the same?

Typically, when we hear the terms "grief and loss," we conjure up images of death. But there are a lot of other losses we face in life besides losing loved ones to death. This may be surprising, but losing a loved one due to the end of a relationship may be comparable to experiencing that loved one’s death. Another example of a non-death loss is loss of employment which is also a very difficult event, particularly if it is forced onto a person due to age or unforeseen circumstances. An individual may experience a wave of emotional responses such as anger, frustration, anxiety, disbelief, hopelessness, etc. A person may mourn the future, their plans and goals, financial stability, identity, confidence, and possibly their independence.  

This is an example of a primary or major loss that may also result in a secondary loss, which should not be underestimated. Other examples of secondary losses include security, self-worth, trust, social connection, sexual desire, and faith.  Not all losses are the same.  Some losses can change your perspective, values, morals, and perhaps your identity. There are losses that come with wisdom, growth, and resilience. This journey is unique and individualized because the outcome and the path are determined by a person’s personality traits and other individualistic factors such as grieving style, cultural and social context, nature of the relationship with the lost one or object, religious or spiritual beliefs, etc.  

BEYOND the Stages of Grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the concept of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages provide a framework to understand grief, individuals may not experience the stages in order. More importantly, Kübler-Ross’s model does not address the physical, psychological, or availability of social support. More current frameworks consider meaning reconstruction and adjustment to a new environment to both be central to the grief work, which allows for a holistic transformational and healing experience.   

Waves of Emotions

It's important to give yourself permission to express your feelings when you're grieving. Sit with and attend to your emotions! Emotional dysregulation and avoidance are examples of two issues that might arise from suppressing emotions, which can slow down the healing process. Acknowledging and expressing feelings such as shock, sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, or even relief is crucial for the healing process. In order to do this, you can join a grief support group, speak with friends, family, or a professional therapist, or use creative outlets like reflective writing, painting, or music. If you are a religious person, you may find religious resources to cope with grief or reach out to a religious leader to help contextualize your loss within your faith.   

Do We Forget or Grow?

Time is said to heal a lot of wounds, but it's essential to recognize that grief doesn't have a set timeline. According to Tonkin’s model of grief, people find ways to grow around grief, which means we do not have to forget the loss or pretend it didn’t occur in order to heal. Rather, we learn to live with it and grow around it . Growth may take different forms like meaning-making of the loss, appreciation of life and relationships with others, exploring new possibilities, reflecting on personal strengths, or spiritual change. Remember, grief is still there, but you are expanding around it and living with it, NOT  in it.  

Final Words

Keep in mind that grief is  a deeply personal and dynamic process. It may be lengthy or brief, linear or wavey, and experienced in emotions, cognitions, or behaviours. Regardless of your path, the grief process can lead to personal growth and resilience and there is no set timetable for when you should begin to feel better. Be patient with yourself and approach each day as it comes. Remember to take care of yourself and give yourself permission to process the emotions associated with your grief.   

If you have experienced a loss and would like support with processing and grieving, I would be happy to connect with you.  

Altmaier, E. (2011). Best practices in counselling grief and loss: Finding benefit from trauma. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 33 (1), 33-45.

Collier, L. (2016). Growth after trauma. Why are some people more resilient than others–and can it be taught? American Psychological Association.

Devine, M. (2018). It’s OK that you’re NOT OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand . Sounds True.

Good Therapy (2018, May 20). When loss hurts: 6 physical effects of grief. GoodTherapy | When Loss Hurts: 6 Physical Effects of Grief.

Hopfgarten, C. (2021). Finding Your way Through Loss & Grief: A Therapist’s Guide to Working Through Any Grieving Process . Welbeck Publishing Group.

McCoyd, J. L., & Walter, C. A. (2015). Grief and loss across the lifespan: A biopsychosocial perspective. Springer publishing company.

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Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day…unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed, and very dear., have you ever listened to a song and broke down and cried , you realize how much how much you truly miss someone when something happens, good or bad, and the only person you want to tell is the one person who isn’t there. , when someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure., sometimes, it’s not the song that makes you emotional, it’s the people and things that come to your mind when you hear it. , people cry, not because they are weak, but because they’ve been strong for too long. , you can’t be strong all the time. sometimes you just have to be alone and let your tears out. , blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted., you live, you love, you lose, you hurt, you cry but you learn. and you love again, because it’s beautiful when it’s good. , if you were asked to name all the things you love, how long would it take you to name yourself , nobody goes through more difficulties in life than a person with a good heart. .

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You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re Human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend. 

Little hugs can dry big tears. little candles can light the darkness. little memories can last for years. it’s the little things in life that bring the greatest happiness. , watch this video of a 6-year-old boy who beat cancer and got a surprise greeting from his entire school:.

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Grief is Love with Nowhere to Go: Embracing the Healing Process

Grief is often described as a profound sense of loss, but it’s much more than that. It’s love with nowhere to go, a seemingly endless river of emotions that can consume you as you navigate the pain and heartache. When you love someone deeply, and they are no longer with you, it’s as if a piece of your heart has been ripped away, leaving a void that feels impossible to fill.

Humans are conditioned to express our love for others, but what happens when that person is no longer around to receive it? Grief can manifest in different ways, yet its core is the love we still hold for the lost one. This powerful, unrelenting force of love can leave us feeling isolated, misunderstood, and overwhelmed. But it’s essential to understand that this love will ultimately guide us through the darkness and help us heal as we find new ways to honor and remember our loved ones.

Key Takeaways

• Grief is love with nowhere to go, a powerful sense of loss that stems from our love for the person we have lost.
• Navigating through grief can be an isolating and overwhelming experience, but channeling our love can help guide us toward healing.
• Finding new ways to honor and remember loved ones allows us to continue expressing our love and eventually find purpose after loss.

Grief: A Definition

Grief is a complex and universal emotion you may feel after experiencing a loss. It’s often characterized by deep sadness, pain, and sometimes even fear. Despite its heavy association with loss, it’s crucial to understand that grief is a normal and essential part of the healing process.

When grieving, you may experience a wide range of emotions, such as shock, disbelief, guilt, anger, or even relief. These emotions can come and go in waves and may change throughout the various stages of grief. It’s common for the intensity of these feelings to fluctuate over time, too.

During the grieving process, you might:

• Feel physically drained and exhausted
• Have difficulty focusing and making decisions
• Experience disrupted sleep patterns or appetite changes
• Withdraw from social events and gatherings

Each individual’s grief journey is unique. How you grieve, and the length and intensity of your grief will depend on several factors. These factors may include your personal beliefs, cultural background, and the nature of the loss.

It’s important to recognize that grief doesn’t follow a standard path or timeline. Allow yourself the time and space to feel the emotions associated with your loss. By acknowledging and expressing your feelings, you’ll be better equipped to cope with the pain and sadness that often accompany grief.

Remember, grief is a natural and necessary response to loss. Don’t hesitate to lean on friends, family, or professional support if you need additional help navigating this difficult journey.

Grief as Love

Grief is a powerful emotion often linked with a deep sense of loss. But at its core, grief is really about love. When you lose someone or something important to you, the love you feel has nowhere to go. This may leave you feeling lost and overwhelmed.

As you experience grief, it’s crucial to remember that this emotion is a testament to your love and connection with the one you’ve lost. Embrace the feelings of love, even if they are difficult to put into words or actions. Acknowledging this love can help you process and heal from your loss.

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It’s essential to remember that grief is a natural emotion. Everyone goes through it at some point, and giving yourself the time and space to embrace it is essential. Here are some tips to help you navigate through grief:

• Be patient with yourself : Healing takes time, and permitting yourself to grieve is vital.
• Reach out for support : Lean on friends, family, or a support group to help process your feelings.
• Find a creative outlet : Channel your emotions into art, writing, or music to express your love and loss.

Lastly, it is essential to understand that grief is not linear. You may find yourself cycling through various emotions, and that’s okay. Treat yourself with kindness and patience as you continue your journey through grief. And remember, even during painful loss, your love for the one you’ve lost will always remain.

The Pain of Loss

Grieving is a natural response to losing someone or something important to you. It’s a complex emotion that can feel unbearable at times. But remember, grief is a journey everyone experiences uniquely, and it’s important to allow yourself the time and space you need to heal.

When you lose someone you love, the pain can be overwhelming . Your heart may ache, and you might feel a tremendous weight on your shoulders, making it difficult to get through each day. This overwhelming sorrow is a testament to the depth of your love, but unfortunately, it can’t find an outlet – it becomes, in essence, love with nowhere to go.

During this time, it’s essential to take care of yourself. Here are a few strategies that could help:

• Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions, whether it’s through tears, writing, or talking with friends or a counselor.
• Seek support from those who’ve experienced a similar loss or are empathetic listeners.
• Create meaningful rituals or memories to honor the person you’ve lost.
• Take breaks from your grief by engaging in enjoyable activities and permit yourself to find moments of happiness.
• Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing takes time – it won’t happen overnight.

In confronting the pain of loss, remember that it’s a necessary part of the healing process. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, embrace that this journey can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of love and life.

Navigating Through Grief

Grief is often described as a storm, unpredictable, intense, and filled with emotions that can leave you feeling lost. It’s important to remember that grief is a natural response to loss experienced differently by everyone. While there are common stages of grief, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression , and acceptance, navigating through them can be incredibly challenging.

It’s essential to allow yourself to feel and experience your emotions. Don’t bottle them up or try to suppress them. Acknowledge your feelings and know it’s okay to not feel alright during this time. Try to let your grief flow through you, whether it’s in the form of tears, anger, or quiet contemplation.

• Be patient with yourself : Healing takes time, and there is no set timeline for grief.
• Reach out to others : Connecting with friends, family, or support groups can make a difference in your healing process.
• Take care of yourself physically and emotionally : Maintain a healthy routine, exercise, get enough sleep , and be kind to yourself during this time.
• Seek professional help if needed : It’s okay to ask for help from therapists, counselors, or clergy members.

As you experience the various stages of grief, the initially stormy emotions may slowly begin to ease, and you will notice moments of clarity emerging. It’s important to understand that progress in healing is not always linear. You may experience ups and downs, but remember that every step you take, no matter how small, brings you closer to finding peace.

You are not alone in this journey, and with time, patience, and support, you will navigate through the unpredictable path of grief.

The Power of Support

Finding support.

When dealing with grief, finding a support system that helps you navigate the emotions that come with loss is essential. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand and empathize with your experience. Having these supportive individuals by your side can bring comfort and strength as you journey through this difficult time.

• Join a support group to connect with others who have experienced similar losses.
• Reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief work.
• Use social media to connect with others who share your grief journey.

Key takeaway: Finding the right support system is crucial in managing grief and finding comfort in the love that has nowhere to go.

The Church and Support

If you’re a believer, the church can be a valuable source of support during your grieving process. Religious communities often provide various resources to help individuals cope with loss and find a sense of belonging among others who share the same faith.

• Look for church-sponsored support groups or counseling services.
• Attend regular services and participate in activities where you can share your grief journey with other believers.
• Turn to your faith to find solace and understanding, as some religious teachings offer insights into the meaning of loss and the idea of life after death.

Key takeaway: The church can be an essential resource for finding support during the grieving process, combining spiritual comfort and practical assistance.

Remember, it’s crucial to lean on your support system during this difficult time. Reach out to others and seek the help you need. You can find ways to transform your grief into love with the right care and resources.

Expressions of Grief

Art has long been a medium for expressing grief. Through painting, sculpture, and other forms, artists have found solace and healing in the creative process. Some notable examples include Picasso’s “Guernica,” which portrays the horror and suffering of war, and van Gogh’s “Sorrowing Old Man (At Eternity’s Gate),” depicting despair and sadness in old age. When you encounter these works, please take a moment to reflect on the deep emotions they convey and the power of art to capture our innermost feelings.

Key takeaway: Art allows us to explore our emotions, including grief and loss, helping both creator and viewer process and understand complex feelings.

Poetry has long served as a cathartic outlet for those experiencing grief. Powerful verses can tap into the heart of loss and mourning, providing solace and understanding. Poets like Emily Dickinson, W.H. Auden, and Sylvia Plath have captured the essence of grief in their lines. As you read poignant poems such as “Do not Go Gentle into That Good Night” and “Funeral Blues,” you may find comfort and inspiration in expressing your emotions in words.

Key takeaway: Poetry offers solace through the skillful use of language and imagery, portraying grief in words that resonate with the human heart.

Music uniquely can soothe the soul and express emotions that are hard to put into words. Throughout history, composers and musicians have poured their grief into their creations. Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata,” Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for Strings,” and Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” are just a few examples of heart-wrenching compositions that touch on themes of loss and mourning. Allow yourself to feel the raw power of these melodies, knowing that you are not alone in your grief.

Key takeaway: Music offers an emotional and expressive outlet for grief, providing comfort and connection during difficult times.

Grief and Isolation

Grieving is a natural response to losing someone or something close to your heart. During this process, it’s common to feel isolated, and that’s completely normal. Remember, you’re not alone, and it’s crucial to practice self-care and reach out for support during this challenging time.

When you experience grief, isolation can result from multiple factors. Firstly, communicating with friends and family might be difficult, especially if they haven’t been through a similar situation. It’s also possible that others around you don’t know how to handle your grief, leading to unintentional distance and withdrawal.

One way to cope with feelings of isolation is through self-care. Prioritize your needs, set boundaries, and engage in activities that bring you small moments of happiness. Here are some self-care tips:

• Find support groups: Connect with people who have experienced grief and can empathize with your situation. You’re not alone, and there’s comfort in knowing that others can relate.
• Seek professional help: A therapist, counselor, or grief specialist can provide insight and guidance through the grieving process.
• Take care of your physical health: Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Your body needs to heal, too.
• Journal your thoughts: Documenting your feelings might help you express and process emotions that are difficult to share with others.

Additionally, try to stay connected with your loved ones. Open communication with the people around you can help bridge the isolation gap. They may not fully understand your pain, but often, they genuinely want to support you. Here are some helpful strategies:

• Be honest: Let your friends and family know you’re grieving and could use their support. Share your feelings openly, making it easier for them to respond empathetically.
• Reach out: Don’t hesitate to call or message a friend if you feel lonely. Sometimes, simply hearing a familiar voice can significantly lift your spirits.
• Plan social activities: Gently reintroduce social engagements into your life. Start with small gatherings, allowing yourself time to adjust gradually.

Grief and isolation often go hand-in-hand, but you can minimize their impact. Addressing both your emotional and physical needs through self-care is crucial in this process. Rely on your support network, practice open communication, and give yourself the time and space to heal.

Healing After Loss

Grieving is a natural part of life, but healing after a loss can be challenging. It’s important to remember that grief is love with nowhere to go and that finding hope and a sense of presence can guide you through this difficult time.

It’s essential to process your emotions and allow yourself to feel the pain. Remember that healing is not linear, and having good and bad days is okay. Here are some tips to help you on your journey:

• Acknowledge your feelings : Give yourself permission to feel your emotions and recognize that it’s okay to be sad, angry, or numb.
• Seek support : Lean on your friends, family, or a grief support group for encouragement and a listening ear.
• Take care of yourself : Prioritize self-care by eating well, maintaining a routine, and getting enough sleep.

Additionally, consider incorporating these strategies to nurture hope, healing, and presence in your daily life:

• Practice mindfulness : Try deep breathing exercises or meditation to help you stay present and grounded in the moment.
• Find new ways to honor your loved ones : Create new rituals, like lighting a candle on special days, to keep their memory alive.
• Give yourself goals : Set small, achievable goals for yourself to help regain a sense of purpose and direction.

Spreading hope and positivity through acts of kindness can also help you heal:

• Help others : Volunteering your time or resources to a cause close to your heart can offer purpose and healing.
• Express gratitude : Focus on the goodness in your life, and try writing down three things you’re grateful for each day.
• Connect with others : Share your story and listen to others’ experiences to create a sense of community and understanding.

While grief can feel isolating, know you’re never alone on your healing journey. Embrace the support and love around you, and be gentle with yourself.

Grief and Purpose

Grief can sometimes leave you feeling lost and directionless. It’s important to remember that there’s still purpose waiting for you amidst the pain. You can give meaning to your loss and move forward by taking action.

Start by focusing on the small things each day. It’s okay if you can’t tackle the big picture right away. Just complete a simple task, like making your bed in the morning or walking. These little accomplishments create a sense of achievement and help you regain control.

Tapping into your support network can help you find purpose. Reach out to friends and family who care about you. Be open to their suggestions and advice. You’ll also share their experiences and gain new perspectives by connecting with others.

Try to find ways to honor your loved one’s memory. Volunteering for a cause they are passionate about or carrying on a tradition they love can give you a sense of purpose. This way, their memory lives on, and they grow stronger.

Finally, remember it’s essential to practice self-care while grieving. Nourish your body with healthy food, get enough sleep, and find a stress-relieving activity you enjoy, like yoga or art. Taking care of yourself gives you the energy to face your grief and seek your purpose.

Key takeaway: Embrace purpose and action when grieving by focusing on small tasks, connecting with your support network, honoring your loved one’s memory, and practicing self-care.

Remembering Loved Ones

Losing a loved one can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. Amid grief, embracing the love and memories shared with the person is essential. Here are some ways to remember and honor your loved one during mourning.

First and foremost, attending or organizing a funeral allows you to pay your respects. Funerals serve as a space for people to gather, share stories, and support each other during grief. They can also be a beautiful opportunity to say your final goodbyes.

Another approach is creating a memorial spot in your home or another special place. You can personalize this spot with mementos such as photos, letters, or items that remind you of your loved one. This can be a comforting space to reflect and connect with their memory.

Engaging in activities your loved one enjoyed can also be a great way to remember and honor them. It could be as simple as watching their favorite movie, reading their favorite book, or visiting places with special meaning to both of you.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to talk to friends and family about your feelings. Sharing your memories and emotions can make the grieving process more manageable while also helping keep the spirit of your loved one alive.

Remember, it’s okay to grieve. Embrace the love you shared with your loved one and find ways to honor their memory as a part of your healing journey.

Embracing Grief

Grief can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that it’s a natural part of life. When you find yourself amid grief, please don’t shy away from it. Embrace it, because in doing so, you can discover unimaginable beauty.

Grief can teach us many lessons. Through this experience, you’ll learn to appreciate the little things in life. You’ll begin to value time spent with loved ones and understand the importance of not taking them for granted. Grief may be painful, but it is also a catalyst for personal growth.

• Grief as a teacher : Embrace the lessons of grief by acknowledging it and allowing it to be your teacher.
• Finding the beauty : See the beauty in the world around you, even when facing the hardest times.
• Growing stronger : Use your experience with grief as a stepping stone to greater self-awareness and resilience.

Another way to embrace grief is through discovering happiness in unexpected places. It may sound counterintuitive, but paying attention to things that bring joy in times of sorrow is crucial. Open yourself up to positive experiences, be it a beautiful sunset or a much-needed laugh with a friend.

• Laughter as a coping mechanism : Find humor in everyday situations and let yourself laugh even when grief weighs heavily.
• Small joys : Appreciate simple pleasures like a warm cup of coffee or a good book–they bring much-needed comfort during difficult times.

Lastly, don’t feel guilty for eventually experiencing moments of happiness amidst your grief. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loss, or it doesn’t matter. It means you’re learning to live with your loss and find joy in life again.

So, embrace grief to uncover lessons, cherish the beauty in life, and uncover happiness in unexpected places. You never know what treasures you might find along the way.

? Stop Signs: When It’s Time to Seek Therapy for Grief

• Overwhelming Emotions : If you are consumed by intense sadness or anger, it may indicate that your grief is too much to bear alone.
• Isolation : When you feel like you’re withdrawing from social situations or loved ones, that’s a cue to seek professional guidance.
• Physical Symptoms : Don’t ignore fatigue, sleeplessness, or other health changes; they often indicate emotional turmoil that needs addressing.
• Constant Reminders : If reminders of your loved one trigger extreme emotional reactions, professional help can provide coping strategies .
• Unable to Function : When grief interferes with your ability to carry out daily activities, it’s time to reach out for assistance.

? Tip : You don’t need to wait until it’s “bad enough” to seek help. Therapy can benefit anyone at any stage of grief.

? Seedling Goals: What to Aim for in Therapy

• Understanding the Grief Journey : Everyone’s experience differs, but recognizing common stages can help navigate the process.
• Emotional Catharsis : A safe space to express and examine your feelings can be liberating.
• Build Resilience : Develop emotional strength and coping skills to move through life without your loved one.
• Self-compassion : Learn to forgive yourself for guilt or “should-haves” lingering.
• Finding New Ways to Love : The goal isn’t to “move on” but to “move forward,” integrating the love you still have into your current life.

? Shining Stars: Signs of Progress in Your Grief Journey

• Emotional Agility : You’ll notice you’re not stuck in one emotion; you’re experiencing a range and are more adept at managing them.
• Re-Engagement : If you find yourself taking an interest in hobbies or social events again, that’s a positive sign.
• Better Physical Health : Improvement in sleep patterns, appetite, and general well-being often mirrors emotional healing .
• New Rituals : Creating new ways to honor your loved one signals you’re finding a healthy way to channel your love.
• Shift in Language : You might start saying, “I feel sad,” instead of “I am sad,” indicating emotional distance and perspective.

? Tip : Progress is often nonlinear. It’s okay to have setbacks; what matters is your long-term movement toward healing.

Grief is a powerful, all-encompassing emotional journey, but you don’t have to walk the path alone. Therapy offers the tools to help you navigate this complicated terrain while honoring the love you will always hold for your lost loved one. Finding a new way to express that love can be your lantern in the dark, lighting your way as you move forward, not on, but with the enduring memory of the one you miss.

? Rainbow After The Storm: Final Thoughts on Resilience and Grief

Grief is an uninvited guest who walks into our lives and sits at the head of the table. It can be overpowering, affecting every facet of our existence, from our emotional state to physical health, social interactions, and even our sense of self. Yet it’s important to remember that grief, as intense and unwelcome as it is, also serves a purpose. It’s a testament to our ability to love deeply and is integral to the human experience.

Resilience in grief isn’t about “getting over it” or “returning to normal.” Rather, it’s about harnessing the love that fueled your grief in the first place and channeling it into constructive pathways. Whether it’s starting a memorial scholarship, planting a tree, or simply sharing stories that keep your loved one alive in memory, resilience means finding a way to integrate this profound experience into your life.

• Embrace Change : You’ll never be the person you were before the loss, and that’s okay. You’re growing in new, unexpected ways.
• Cultivate Hope : It’s not about diminishing your love for your lost one but about finding glimmers of hope and joy that coexist with your sorrow.
• Lend a Hand : Sometimes, the best way to help yourself is to help others. Acts of kindness, even small ones, can bring a sense of purpose and healing.

? Tip : Always remember resilience is a process, not a destination. It’s okay if some days are harder than others. What matters is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other, guided by the love that will always be a part of you.

In the grand tapestry of life, threads of joy are interwoven with threads of sorrow. While grief may be one of the most challenging threads to incorporate, it’s also one of the most significant, dyed in the colors of love, memory, and enduring connection. Your resilience will help you weave this thread into a pattern that, over time, evolves into a landscape of beauty, strength, and new beginnings.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the origin of the phrase ‘grief is love with nowhere to go’?

The phrase “grief is love with nowhere to go” is often attributed to American author Anne Lamott. This deep and thought-provoking phrase suggests that grief is a natural extension of love. When you lose a person or a relationship, the love that was once able to flow freely towards them now has nowhere to go, manifesting as grief.

What are some famous poems about grief and love?

Many moving and powerful poems touch on the themes of grief and love. Some of them include:

• “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night” by Dylan Thomas
• “Funeral Blues” by W.H. Auden
• “She Dwelt among the Untrodden Ways” by William Wordsworth
• “Remember” by Christina Rossetti

Though each poem comes from a different perspective, they all deal with the universality of losing a loved one and the grief that accompanies it.

How is grief portrayed in movies and TV shows?

Movies and TV shows often tackle the subject of grief and loss, shedding light on how it can impact characters deeply. Whether it’s losing a family member, a close friend, or a romantic partner, it’s a subject that resonates with audiences. Here are a few movies and TV shows that poignantly depict grief:

• “Manchester by the Sea”
• “Ordinary People”
• “Six Feet Under”
• “This Is Us”

These films and series demonstrate just how varied the experience of grief can be and how the loss of a loved one can bring about profound emotions and changes in a person’s life.

Are there any popular grief-related quotes?

Throughout history, countless memorable quotes have expressed grief’s pain, beauty, and complexity. A few examples include:

• “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” — William Shakespeare
• “Grief is the price we pay for love.” — Queen Elizabeth II
• “The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” — Fyodor Dostoevsky

These quotes encapsulate the idea that grief is a normal and natural part of the human experience, which we all must navigate at one point or another.

Can you suggest some grief-inspired tattoos?

Grief-inspired tattoos can be a meaningful way to memorialize a loved one or carry a symbol of your grief. Here are a few ideas for tattoos with a connection to grief and loss:

• A portrait or silhouette of the person you’ve lost
• A meaningful quote that resonates with your experience of grief
• A symbol of the person’s life or their favorite things (such as flowers, animals, or landscapes)

Remember, your tattoo should be a reflection of your feelings and the connection you had with your loved one, so personalize it in the way that feels most appropriate to you.

Why does grief feel so intense and powerful?

Grief can be incredibly intense and powerful because it’s directly connected to your love for someone who’s no longer with you. Experiencing such a profound loss can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to remember that grief is a personal, nonlinear journey, and everyone’s experience will differ. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions and seek support when needed.

? Turning Pain into Purpose: Jacob Maslow’s Journey Through Grief and Resilience

I’m Jacob Maslow, the author of the article you’ve just read. To say I’m well-acquainted with grief and resilience would be an understatement. I’ve battled through a heartbreaking situation involving my ex-partner, who has a severe case of narcissism . Despite court orders, she’s fully alienated our kids from me and refuses to cooperate on shared custody arrangements. Things took a nosedive in the past year, leading to an ongoing legal battle. Before this dark period, I had enjoyed a loving, strong relationship with my kids, making their abrupt absence a gut-wrenching experience that no parent should go through.

A veteran in therapy, I recently switched to BetterHelp to manage my mental health and take Lexapro as a part of my mental well-being strategy. My daily ritual includes long walks to clear my mind and give me the mental space to cope with the waves of emotions that often come crashing in.

Dealing with a narcissistic ex has been especially draining. Her narcissistic behavior only intensified as she aged, and her beauty faded. She has relentlessly pursued affairs with community leaders only to tarnish their reputations—a typical narcissist pattern. Through it all, the focus is on turning my hardship into something constructive.

• ?️ Voice for the Voiceless : I channel my experiences into writing articles like the one you’ve read to offer solace and tips to those facing similar life-altering challenges.
• ⚖️ Legal Lifeline : I also run a legal site to assist others struggling with uncooperative spouses who defy court orders, specifically regarding child custody.
• ? Beating the Odds : I strongly believe anyone can conquer mental health issues. It’s a tough journey, but so can you if I can navigate this maze.

Grief and resilience are companions on this tumultuous journey. I’ve used my grieving process to build resilience for myself and as a beacon for others navigating similar storms. You’re not alone; together, we can turn the chaos into a coherent narrative of survival and, ultimately, a new beginning.

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• Your Journey Through Grief

Grief is a journey unlike any other. It’s a winding path filled with unexpected twists and turns, highs and lows, and moments of both despair and hope. Each person’s journey through grief is unique, shaped by the nature of their loss, their individual coping mechanisms, and the support systems they have in place. There are many different pathways one may encounter, and how navigating them can lead to healing and transformation.

Shock and Denial: The journey of grief often begins with a sense of shock and disbelief. When faced with a significant loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a major life change, it can be difficult to accept the reality of what has happened. Denial may serve as a protective mechanism, allowing us to process the loss gradually, as we come to terms with the new reality. Anger and Guilt: As the shock begins to wear off, grief can give way to intense emotions such as anger and guilt. We may find ourselves questioning why the loss occurred, directing our anger towards others, ourselves, or even the universe. Guilt often accompanies these feelings, as we replay past actions or words and wonder if we could have done things differently. It’s important to recognize that these emotions are a natural part of the grieving process and to allow ourselves to feel them without judgment. Bargaining and Depression: In an attempt to regain control or make sense of the loss, we may enter a phase of bargaining. This can involve making deals with a higher power, seeking ways to reverse the loss, or attempting to negotiate a different outcome. However, when these efforts prove futile, they can lead to feelings of helplessness and despair, marking the onset of depression. During this phase, it’s crucial to seek support from loved ones or mental health professionals who can provide comfort and guidance. Acceptance and Reconstruction: As we move through the depths of grief, we gradually come to accept the reality of our loss. Acceptance does not mean forgetting or moving on from the person or thing we have lost, but rather integrating the loss into our lives in a way that allows us to continue living with purpose and meaning. This phase marks the beginning of reconstruction, as we rebuild our sense of self and identity in the wake of the loss. It involves finding new ways of coping, rediscovering joy and meaning, and moving forward with hope for the future.

About  Pam Williams

Pam was born and raised in Texas and is the oldest of her siblings. She has worked in education for over 15 years with the last two being a graphic design instructor.

In the spring of 2011, with both of them almost 41, lots of baggage between the two (which fondly became known as “the luggage”, Pam met her husband and soulmate Glenn and soon after they began to merge their families. The wonderful journey began but everyone always knew it had been destined.

Pam is a mom and bonus mom to five adult children (plus two wonderful son in laws), a grammy to five adventure seeking grands , and widow after Glenn passed away due to complications of a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019.

Pam has often blogged, journaled, and spoke about all of the joys, ups and downs, and adventures of their life and has been encouraged by many to actually share with the world. She has begun a personal blog and soon will be publishing for all to enjoy.

Pam Williams

Pam was born and raised in Texas and is the oldest of her siblings. She has worked in education for over 15 years with the last two being a graphic design instructor. In the spring of 2011, with both of them almost 41, lots of baggage between the two (which fondly became known as “the luggage”, Pam met her husband and soulmate Glenn and soon after they began to merge their families. The wonderful journey began but everyone always knew it had been destined. Pam is a mom and bonus mom to five adult children (plus two wonderful son in laws), a grammy to five adventure seeking grands , and widow after Glenn passed away due to complications of a congenital heart condition on November 3, 2019. Pam has often blogged, journaled, and spoke about all of the joys, ups and downs, and adventures of their life and has been encouraged by many to actually share with the world. She has begun a personal blog and soon will be publishing for all to enjoy.

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There Will Never Be Another You

I Grieve For You

Still Standing Magazine

Journeying Through Grief Without A Final Destination

I have been traveling through my grief journey for over two years now. When my infant daughter died in my arms on that fateful June morning, all the hopes and dreams I had for her future shattered like glass beneath my feet. While I had no idea what life would look like in the aftermath of loss, I knew I would never again be the person I once was.

In those early days of my grief journey, it was impossible to see beyond the all-consuming darkness.

My then-two-year-old was my saving grace, the only thing pulling me from my bed and propelling me forward each day. She quite possibly saved my life.

It was difficult to understand how any human could withstand such pain. I had never been so aware of my soul; it was the only explanation for the depths of my sorrow.

As the months wore on, I found myself waiting for something to shift.

I waited for the fog to lift, the pain to lessen, the sorrow to dissipate. I thought of my grief as an obstacle to overcome, as if the dark path would come to an end and I would go on to live in the light again. I knew I would always yearn for my daughter and wish for her survival; this was a given. But I couldn’t possibly exist in grief’s trenches forever.

I longed to “feel better”.

I convinced myself that if I read all the books and attended all the group meetings if I launched myself into grief work, I would uncover the secret to releasing grief’s hold on my heart.

Truth be told, some of the words I read and the people I met did result in what felt like forward progress. Through my efforts, I found my feelings validated, and my husband and I quickly built a network of loss parents with whom we could relate.

But in the quiet moments, most often in the dark of night, the sharp blade of grief sunk in deeply.

My daughter’s death replayed over and over in my mind as if I was right back in the hospital room with her precious body growing cold in my arms. Night after night, I feared that I had undone my progress and that I had taken millions of steps backward on my grief journey.

More than two years later, I am learning that grief does not work this way.

Grief is not linear, and it offers no final destination to reach.

We find ways to cope with reality and handle life’s demands. We may even find something that feels restorative. But there will always be days that feel harder than others. There will always be triggers, both those anticipated and those not. There will be grief attacks that hit us with an untamed ferocity. While the pain certainly changes over time, it does not fully cease. It ebbs and flows, and at times, it is as raw and fierce as it was on the day my sweet baby died.

But there is no such thing as a backward step when you find yourself on a grief journey. There are only stops along the way.

Perhaps grief is not something we need to “get through”. Perhaps instead it is a new pillar of our lives, around which we must construct a different version of ourselves. It is not a phase to be outgrown, nor an obstacle to overcome.

As humans, we adapt and change, sometimes rapidly. But as loss parents, we grow around our grief, not beyond it.

As long as we breathe, we will long for the children we’ve lost. Why wouldn’t we? We love them fiercely, just as we would if they had lived.

Photo by Matthew Ronder-Seid on Unsplash

Sarah Burg is a wife, writer, and mother of three beautiful children. Following a heroic battle with congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH), Sarah’s second daughter, Willow Grace, died in her arms shortly after birth in June 2016. Willow’s death has transformed Sarah into a writer with a reason, and she hopes to offer healing and kinship to the child loss community through her words. Sarah also blogs at The Rising (www.sarahjburg.com), where she explores life after loss.

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Stories of child loss, infertility, hope & heartache from around the world. Editor @dianawrote

Martha Segovia Calles

Grief Is Not An Experience

Grief is a journey, one that allows us to expand beyond the confines of life and death. I encourage intentional reflection in grief, whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, the loss of health following a critical diagnosis, the loss of a past sense of self, or the lost vision of a nurturing world. 

Grief does not have specific boundaries. Instead, it involves wading through complex emotions within ourselves and in our communities. It is helpful to consider grief as a fluid journey rather than a rigid experience.

Grief Can Be a Path to Healing

I believe that grief can be all-encompassing, but it can also be a path to healing. We can intentionally create space — whether physical or emotional — to respect grief.  In some cultures, grief is highly respected beyond the Western traditions of wakes and funerals. In past moments of grief, I have carved out time to sit with those immense feelings and practice culturally aware rituals.

Author Francis Weller wrote a profound book titled The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief. In it, he states that “grief takes us into a terrain where we must develop other senses, other ways of knowing. We must learn to see in the dark”. 

Grief must be handled gently, especially when dealing with an unexpected loss. A sudden loss shatters life as we know it. Emotions and feelings seem to penetrate our very being. Our nervous system is put into overdrive and our ability to cope is tested beyond comparison. 

Grief follows an unpredictable, non-linear path. Respecting the grieving process and treating ourselves gently as we work through complex feelings is important.

Normal grief vs. prolonged grief

The terms ‘chronic grief’ or ‘prolonged grief’ describe a lengthened period of grief that impacts daily functioning. Strong, intense feelings persist beyond the immediate period of loss and may trigger:

• Complex feelings towards death and the afterlife
• Sensitive emotions and moods when discussing the deceased person(s)
• Numbness to emotions and moods
• Detachment from self.

Source: American Psychiatric Association 

When grief becomes prolonged and impacts your daily living, I encourage you to speak with your GP or a mental health professional.

Personal and collective grief

We can grieve through both modern ceremonies and rituals passed down from generation to generation. We can create space for grief in many ways, whether through self-regulation, rituals, cultural ceremonies, personal and community care, or connecting with loved ones.

In an interview with Stephen Colbert , actor Andrew Garfield reflected on the passing of his mother. He described his grief as unexpressed love: “I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her. And I told her every day.” 

Hope and light amid grief

Mental health and well-being have come a long way in understanding the grief process. I believe that as we embrace ancestral teachings and new insights into grief, hope can be part of the grief journey.

Grief is a complex journey. It requires intentional care on both the individual and collective level. Through grief, we can process both our love for and the loss of a person, an identity, or a vision. When we embrace grief instead of turning away from it, we can develop a new narrative — one that brings us comfort and light amid the darkness.

If you would like more support navigating grief or loss, we’re here for you. Many of our therapists have extensive training in grief and trauma therapy. Reach out to us if you’d like help finding the right therapist, or book a 15-minute Meet & Greet yourself. You don’t have to work through your grief alone.

Segovia Calles

Martha is here to support you with mood improvement, anxiety, gender identity, and cross-cultural challenges.

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How to Make Grief Go Away: Navigating the Path to Healing and Coping with Loss

by illume Editorial Team | Aug 11, 2023

Losing a family member or experiencing the death of a loved one is an indescribable pain that can deeply impact your mental health. Grief is a natural response to this loss, and while it may feel like it will last forever, there are ways to cope and eventually find a sense of healing. The grieving process is unique for each individual, but understanding how to navigate its complex terrain can make a significant difference in your journey toward emotional recovery.

Express Your Feelings: The Power of Acknowledgment

Suppressing emotions during times of grief can be detrimental to your mental well-being. Instead, embrace the healing power of acknowledging your feelings. Allow yourself to cry, reminisce, and even share your thoughts with a trusted friend or family member. Expressing your emotions is not a sign of weakness; it’s a vital step toward processing your grief and starting the healing process.

Seek Support: You’re Not Alone

Grief can make you feel isolated, but remember that you’re not alone on this journey. Joining bereavement support groups or seeking guidance from a bereavement counsellor can provide you with a safe space to share your experiences. These groups offer a supportive environment where you can connect with others who have faced similar losses. Sharing your thoughts and hearing others’ stories can help you realise that your feelings are valid and that there is hope for healing.

Understanding the Grieving Process: A Natural Response

It’s essential to recognize that grief is a natural response to loss. The Mayo Clinic emphasises that everyone experiences grief differently, and there is no “right” way to grieve. Some individuals may feel numb initially, while others might experience intense emotions. Accepting your unique journey and being patient with yourself is key to making grief more manageable.

Coping with Complicated Grief: When Healing Takes Time

For some, the grieving process can become complicated, leading to what’s known as complicated grief. This prolonged and intense form of grief may interfere with daily life and mental health. If you find that your grief is overwhelming and persistent, seeking the help of a mental health professional or bereavement counsellor is crucial. They can guide you through strategies and therapies that can aid in coping with complicated grief and finding a path forward.

Joining Support Groups: The Benefits of Shared Healing

Joining a bereavement support group can be an essential step in your healing journey. These groups provide a safe and understanding space where you can express your feelings without judgement. Sharing your experiences with others who have lost loved ones can foster a sense of connection and validation. You’ll learn coping strategies, gain insights from others’ perspectives, and gradually find a way to make peace with your loss.

Embracing Life Again: Rediscovering Joy

While it may feel impossible at first, embracing life again is a crucial aspect of healing from grief. Remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one; it means honouring their memory while allowing yourself to find happiness and joy once more. Engaging in activities you enjoy, spending time with supportive friends and family members, and nurturing your mental health can all contribute to gradually moving forward.

Rediscovering Hope: A Deeper Dive into Healing from Grief

The journey of healing from the loss of a loved one encompasses many facets that extend beyond the initial stages of grief. While we’ve covered some key aspects of coping with grief, there are additional strategies and considerations that can further aid you in finding solace and renewed purpose.

Honouring Memories: Creating Lasting Legacies

As you progress on your path to healing, consider ways to honour the memory of your loved one. Creating a tribute, like a scrapbook, memorial website, or even participating in a charity event in their name, can provide a sense of purpose and help you feel connected to their legacy. Honouring their life in meaningful ways can help ease the pain of their absence and keep their spirit alive.

Exploring Therapeutic Techniques: A Holistic Approach

While traditional therapy approaches are beneficial, exploring holistic techniques can also contribute to your healing journey. Practices such as mindfulness meditation, yoga, and journaling can help you manage intense emotions, reduce stress, and promote mental well-being. Engaging in these activities can provide moments of peace and clarity as you navigate the complex terrain of grief.

Resilience and Growth: Emerging Stronger

Grief has a way of revealing your inner strength and resilience. As you learn to cope with loss, you may discover new strengths within yourself that you didn’t know existed. Embrace these moments of growth and use them as a foundation to build a life that not only honours your loved one’s memory but also embraces the possibilities that lie ahead.

Navigating Anniversaries and Milestones: Challenges and Triumphs

As time passes, you’ll encounter anniversaries, birthdays, and special milestones that may trigger waves of grief. These moments can be challenging, but they can also provide an opportunity to reflect on your progress and celebrate the beautiful moments shared with your loved one. It’s perfectly normal to experience mixed emotions during these times, and acknowledging both the pain and the joy is an essential part of your ongoing healing journey.

Empowering Your Mental Health: Seeking Professional Guidance

Caring for your mental health is paramount during the grieving process. If you find yourself struggling to manage your emotions or if complicated grief persists, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional or bereavement counsellor. Their expertise can provide you with personalised strategies to address your unique challenges and empower you to navigate the ups and downs of your grief with greater resilience.

Finding Connection and Support: Beyond Bereavement Groups

While bereavement support groups are invaluable, consider expanding your network of support. Engage with your existing social circles, reconnect with old friends, and make an effort to meet new people. Surrounding yourself with caring individuals who uplift your spirits and provide companionship can greatly contribute to your emotional well-being.

Grief is a journey, not a destination. It’s a natural response to the loss of a loved one, and while it may feel overwhelming, there is hope for healing. Embracing a multifaceted approach that includes expressing your emotions, seeking support, understanding the grieving process, and exploring various coping techniques can guide you toward a place of peace and acceptance. Remember, every step you take is a testament to your strength and your capacity to find joy and meaning once again. As you continue to honour your loved one’s memory, you are also crafting a future that encompasses both the beauty of their presence and the resilience of your spirit.

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The Journey of Grief

Grief can be painful, but we can grow in and through it..

Posted April 20, 2016

• Understanding Grief
• Find a therapist to heal from grief

Review of Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss . By Dr. Kenneth J. Doka. Atria Books. 304 pp. $26.

All of us, no doubt, will have occasion to grieve. We grieve when a loved one dies, when we get divorced , become disabled, lose a job, break up with a romantic partner, suffer a miscarriage . Grief can be painful, both physically and emotionally. But it can also be beneficial. As we live with a loss, Kenneth Doka reminds us, we can grow in and through grief.

In Grief Is a Journey , Dr. Doka, a professor of Gerontology at the Graduate School of the College of New Rochelle, an ordained Luther minister, and the editor of Omega: Journal of Death and Dying , offers a compassionate view of bereavement as a lifelong journey. Doka examines five “tasks of grief”: acknowledging the loss; coping with pain; managing change; maintaining bonds; and rebuilding faith and/or philosophy . Because each individual is unique, Doka emphasizes, “there is no single right way to experience grief. Nor does grief have a timetable.”

Doka’s advice is based primarily on his work as a bereavement counsellor. Much of it – “avoid lashing out at those around you, driving others away, limiting support” – is commonsensical. And, at times, Doka’s oft-repeated thesis (there is no one-size-fits-all way to grieve) is at war with the architecture of his book. “You cannot compare your loss to the losses of others, or your reactions or responses to those of others,” he writes. After exploring the experiences of many of his clients, however, Doka suggests that “understanding other ways of coping can allow you to cope with loss and to grow from it.”

And, perhaps inevitably, in a “how to book,” Doka’s determination not to be judgmental (he cannot quite bring himself to advise against seeking out psychics) recedes. Expressing feelings, he suggests (citing a Chinese proverb), “leads to momentary pain and long-term relief; suppression leads to momentary relief and long-term pain.”

Happily, several of the recommendations in Grief Is a Journey are quite useful. Doka advises individuals deciding whether to place a physically or cognitively impaired parent or grandparent in a nursing home to address their “anticipatory grief” by indicating with specificity the conditions under which it would be too difficult to continue home care. By creating a virtual dream, containing elements symbolic of the loss (an empty bed, a favorite beach), Doka indicates, mourners can get in touch with emotions and identify unresolved issues. He suggests that those who have lost a spouse or a child consider asking for help before deciding whether and when to dispose of “the stuff of grief” (clothes, toys, tackle boxes). Doka advises grievers to plan holidays, which can be stressful , rather than surrendering decisions to well-meaning others. And mourners, he writes, can design “alternative rituals,” ranging from a memorial service to accommodate grievers for whom distance or role precluded attendance at a funeral, to an annual event to raise funds for a charity in the name of a deceased person.

Most important, Doka, who introduced the concept of “disenfranchised grief” in 1989, reminds us that some losses – the death of an ex-husband or a closeted gay lover; an incarcerated sibling ; persistent infertility ; a loss of religious faith – are not typically recognized or supported by others. Persons with disenfranchised grief, he emphasizes, often suffer in silence, and have little or no context in which to understand or process their reactions.

Grief, Doka repeats, “is not so much about death as it is about loss.” He asks his readers to find some solace, as he has, in the observation of his deceased colleague, Richard Kalish: “Anything you have you can lose; anything you are attached to, you can be separated from; anything you love can be taken away from you. Yet if you really have nothing to lose, you have nothing.”

At best, Dr. Doka adds, mourners will look back and celebrate their life’s journey, which evolved as it did because they responded in healthy ways to the loss(es) they experienced.

Glenn C. Altschuler, Ph.D. , is the Thomas and Dorothy Litwin Professor of American Studies at Cornell University.

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• Grief Digest Articles

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE DESTINATION

It’s not about the destination…

it’s about the side trips along the way

“It’s not about the destination; it’s about the journey.” We’ve all heard the quote;” and most everyone can recite it. We can even recite stories of other people whose journeys have changed tragedy to triumph, failure to success, unawareness to awareness, sadness to joy…and so on. However, sometimes, an unplanned side-trip leaves a mark on your life that uncovers greater meaning and depth than the intended journey.

Grief is its own journey. It’s a remarkable pilgrimage that can begin with sadness and end with triumph, success, or joy depending upon the willingness to step off the beaten path and experience the side-trips along the way. Most grievers expect their journey to be brief. It doesn’t require any particular planning, and grief simply fades away after a few weeks of intense emotion and reflection about those who passed. The immediate outcome a griever desires is a quick return to a happier place where stress, disappointment, uncertainty, bitterness, and unresolved sadness disappear. However, if we happen upon that fork in the road, which one do we choose?

“Getting over it” becomes a griever’s mantra and single focused destination after the death of a significant loved one. The griever fails to find any reasonable explanation for the need to linger or focus on the experiences along the way. This journey may be an inconvenience or an intrusion on an enjoyable life, and getting back to normal becomes the goal. If we rush too quickly to recover, we are likely going to miss some of the most rewarding experiences, the profound teachings of life and death, and a period of transition and change in ourselves that can prepare us for our own sacred journey. Far from a grievers’ thoughts are any early inklings of this being a life-changing event, self-analysis of a life lived, or the beginning of something deeper and more personal. These become the side-trips. Though unexpected they have the power to transform lives. We become fascinated with “connections”, awed by life stories and the events that alter lives, and obsessed with redirecting our own lives towards a well-planned legacy.

It’s not that we, my husband, Gary, and me, needed a side trip to awaken our emotions and redirect our destination. We’ve already taken that side-trip. But what amazes me is the repetitiveness and confirmation that the path we chose still serves a purpose. And so it was with a recent trip we planned out East by way of Philadelphia, Boston, New York and Canada. Together, we spent countless hours planning the miles to travel per day, points of interest, places to stay, and places to eat. In fact we had a very detailed itinerary that promised all the highlights we wished to see. In one final pass of the planned itinerary, we chose to add a never heard of place (at least not to us). Alexandria Bay wasn’t listed in the travel books as a destination to visit. It intrigued us because of its romantic story about a Castle that was being refurbished on an island named Heart. The Castle of Secrets on Heart Island was built by a millionaire in 1904 and boasted stories of secret hiding places, tunnels, and ghosts. Sounded a little bit romantic and exciting, all at the same time!

Alexandria Bay, New York is connected by the Thousand Islands Bridge to Ontario, Canada. Therefore, this side-trip wasn’t too far out of our way. Online we read about the castle and its history of loss and broken hearts. George C. Boldt, millionaire proprietor of the world famous Waldorfs Astoria Hotel began construction on the luxurious castle to display his love for his wife Louise, until she died suddenly. He couldn’t imagine his dream castle without the love of his life. So he ordered construction to halt; and Mr. Boldt left the island never to return. The castle stood, unfinished, as a monument of his love. Visitors walk the hallways and stairways of the castle today and can visualize his dreams. Today the castle is being completed as a historical site.

Our side-trip to Boldt Castle in Alexandria Bay reminded us that the side trip can turn out to be a positive experience if you allow yourself to travel where the journey takes you. Rather than fighting the urge to get it over with, or judging your choice, or devaluing your experience, you have the opportunity to let this become something greater. Sometimes the least anticipated adventure turns out to be an experience that gives deeper insight to personal growth. The story surrounding the Boldt legacy was such a reminder of the unexpectedness of life. You can have “everything” and a life crisis can leave you stripped to nothing that adds value and purpose to living. At that point, moving forward is governed strictly by choice. You can walk away or use the experience to build something greater and stronger than imagined. It’s your choice and affects all your days and nights going forward.

Getting to that peaceful destination then requires a new kind of focus. Sometimes painful memories and overwhelming questions burdened with uncertainty cause stress. When Gary and I began our journey through grief, we were truly uninformed. The death of our son, by suicide, was our first significant grief experience and was masked with taboo. Not only did we feel that people didn’t know how to relate to us, we were at a loss of how to live in a world of overwhelming sadness. We hesitated to ask for help and support.

The model we were raised with was to struggle through it on your own. Our first spoken choice was that we wouldn’t let this destroy our lives or our marriage. And that commitment gave us the strength to seek resources to understand grief. We chose various side trips along the way. We chose to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations at grief seminars and other learning events because we needed to face the good grief and the bad grief until we knew the difference. We chose to talk about our loss and the ugliness of death by suicide because we needed to accept ourselves that it was just death by another name. We needed to know that our son was not defined by how he died, but rather by the values and character he built while he lived. We chose to make it our passion to help others with grief because we understood the helplessness of being misunderstood.

In grief, there is no shortcut. Grief work—getting in honest touch with your feelings and exposing them, is exhausting. One day, we felt like we were going to be okay. We could handle this. The next day, we might come crashing down with a lightning bolt grief burst. We scheduled “time-outs”, days away from grieving, to allow our fortitude to recharge.

After months and years of relentless searching and trial and error, the vision of our destination came into sight. And so did the accomplishments, the personal growth, and the awareness that life—even with all its mysteries—still had bright possibilities in store. Living life to the fullest is about a continuous journey—whether or not it is complicated by grief. We constantly evolve and reach for the distant star. If we allow ourselves to become complacent and obsessed with any obstacle along the way, we find the obstacles become bigger and the lessons harder to live with. Death and loss are just two of those obstacles along the way.

The trip of your lifetime is about the choices you make, experimenting with side-trips along the way, the mysteries and discoveries, the stories and the memories, and the wisdom from your experience that makes you who you are today. After all, there is only one final destination—going home. And this involves being proud of your life with few regrets. The legacy you leave is the spirit you developed from each and every side-trip. It’s the lasting flicker of life that shines in your honor for generations to come.

When life is going well and we are happy, a destination seems less important. We live in the present moment. We enjoy the experience. So perhaps the bigger goal is to make peace with our past disappointments, our losses, and our grief so that we can discover what we can take away from the ongoing experience. Seek out the adventures. Let the path lead you to where you are meant to be. Pause at unplanned stops. Explore the ride. Beware of the obstacles and work through the roadblocks. Appreciate the pleasant moments. And, delight in the discoveries. Your most notable side-trip in life that defines who you are might have been unplanned, but highly worth the experience.

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin—real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment that you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey—not a destination. (Alfred D’Souza)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------- On April 16, 1993, Chad Zastrow, the son of Gary and Nan Zastrow died as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later Chad’s fiancée took her life. This double tragedy inspired the Zastrows to create a ministry of hope. They formed a non-profit organization called Roots© and Wings. Through workshops, seminars, group presentations and other methods, Nan and Gary create community awareness about grief experiences. Additionally, they host an annual Spring Seminar and Holiday workshop. They also facilitate a Sudden Death Learning Series. Nan is the author of a book, Blessed Are They That Mourn, and over thirty Editor’s Journal Articles in Wings and other publications

Recent Posts

Love Lives On

"Missing"

After I Lost My Son, I Realized I Needed to Stop Looking for Closure

By Liz Jensen

Ms. Jensen is a novelist in Copenhagen and the author of “Your Wild and Precious Life: On Grief, Hope and Rebellion.”

Four years ago, I got the news that every parent dreads.

Without warning, my healthy 25-year-old son, Raphaël — a wildlife biologist and an environmental activist — had collapsed and died, likely from a rare heart disorder nobody knew he had. The trauma catapulted me into a place of almost hallucinatory madness: a territory so tormenting, debilitating and bleak that I couldn’t imagine how I’d survive it, let alone find joy in the life that remained.

Catastrophes are radicalizing and transformative. You no longer see your life in the same way afterward. But must grief diminish you, or can it do the opposite?

The question was vital because my devastation as a newly bereaved mother felt mirrored by the pain and anxiety of millions of people struggling to process the consequences of global heating and the obliteration of precious ecosystems.

Both forms of grief were rooted in love. Both required courage, resilience and compassion. And the emotional arc of both, I came to believe, could create the strength and purpose needed to navigate an increasingly unstable future.

In the field of death and dying, one of the most enduring and influential figures is the Swiss American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who in the 1960s came up with the five stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She’d been studying the emotional arcs of terminally ill patients, but later she and her colleague David Kessler repurposed the stages to apply to the grief of the bereaved, and the five-stage model became deeply embedded in Western culture.

In a 2007 paper , the Nobel Prize-winning climate scientist Steven Running applied those stages to the climate crisis, characterizing denial as the belief that the climate emergency isn’t happening or that humans aren’t the root cause. The anger stage kicks in when you realize your worldview or lifestyle will have to change substantially. Then you bargain by downplaying the scale of the crisis, or by putting all your faith in technological fixes. The depression stage manifests when you feel overwhelmed by the extent of the crisis and realize that governments and corporations are not only spinning their wheels but also often actively exacerbating the damage. Acceptance entails recognizing that the scale of the challenge is irrefutable, and then looking actively for solutions, because “doing nothing given our present knowledge is unconscionable.”

After tragedy struck Mr. Kessler, he altered his own analysis of bereavement. As an author and public speaker who had spent his career supporting the bereaved, Mr. Kessler felt he knew grief well. But the unexpected death of his 21-year-old son changed everything. Suddenly, like countless other bereaved parents, he faced the existential question raised in the adage that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. And he came to believe that acceptance isn’t the end of the grieving process; it’s only the beginning of a new, sixth stage of grief, defined not by finding closure but by finding meaning.

This stage made a lot more sense to me than any of the others did. There was no meaning in Raphaël’s death. But I could find purpose, meaning and fulfillment in what I did and made happen in its wake.

The year before Raphaël died, I’d co-founded the literary activist group Writers Rebel to put literature in the service of life on Earth. But when we lost him, I stepped back: I couldn’t face the video calls. Then, in those early months of grieving, I began to meet other bereaved parents, take daily swims in the freezing Danish winter sea, reconnect with the natural world and read books about consciousness which led me to abandon my rational, secular view of it. And one day, I remembered what Raphaël said when I belittled my ability to affect change: “Do what you can, where you are, with what you’ve got.”

What, I began to wonder, could be more meaningful than honoring my son’s memory and the world I love by being active rather than crying on the couch?

Seven months after Raphaël’s death, I stood on a podium in the freezing Copenhagen wind with a group of writers and made a speech about why literature must address the climate crisis with the urgency it deserves. I was raw and nervous, but I sensed his presence. When I quoted him — “I won’t stand aside and watch the world burn” — a huge cheer went up, and I felt an inner shift.

Yes, my son was dead. And yes, the planet’s life support systems were weakening. But it wasn’t too late for one of them.

I rejoined my weekly Zooms and helped organize a tribute to the planet’s most critically endangered species. Later, the notes I’d been writing to myself as therapy began morphing into a memoir. And yes, it all felt meaningful.

Mine was just one of many paths from grief to fulfillment. For those feeling paralyzed by climate grief, just doing something new, or doing something familiar more mindfully, can germinate what the eco-philosopher Joanna Macy calls active hope: not the amorphous hope of wishing on a star but the practical hope of rolling up your sleeves and getting to it. Intentions are fine, but the meaning lies in the doing — be it cheering up a friend, energizing voters, transforming a patch of urban scrub into a garden, joining a citizen’s movement, switching to a plant-based diet, ditching a bad habit or taking time to observe a creature in the wild.

Just a few months before the electrical signals in Raphaël’s heart were catastrophically disrupted, I found a passage in his notebook that showed he had a premonition that he would die young, but that his sense of purpose would stay vividly alive.

“I’ll not be dead until my dream is, I’ll not fade away until my vision does, I’ll not be gone until all my hopes are,” he wrote.

It took his death for me to understand why I was born. It can’t take a civilizational collapse for humanity to understand why we belong here.

And it needn’t.

Liz Jensen is the author of eight novels, including the ecological thrillers “The Rapture” and “The Uninvited.” Her most recent book is “Your Wild and Precious Life: On Grief, Hope and Rebellion.”

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