funny tour guide jokes

Tour Guide Jokes

A guy goes to a museum, a couple is taking a tour through the natural history museum. they ask the tour guide: "how old is this dinosaur skeleton", i’m a tour guide at a museum, and when i told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from., what’s the difference btw an onion and an englishman, i was on a trip in africa when i was asked to rate the tour guide., (from another irish tour guide:) jameson's is a fine whiskey--, (heard from an irish tour guide:) "the fella that invented the crossword is buried in that cemetery over there.", i got sacked as a tour guide in vatican city., tour guide in the mountain, a tour guide is showing people around washington, dc, when they reach the potomac river., as i get older and remember all the people i've lost along the way, i think to myself....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in london., this was a joke that i was told last year by my tour guide in berlin about cold war-era russia., a museum tour guide told his visitor group that their t-rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old., i went on a tour of stalactites and stalagmites, and the tour guide said 'please don't crack one off', a man tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis., a policeman pulled me over on friday night., a joke told to me by a tour guide while in scotland, a tour guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. looking at a t-rex he says, i went to an apple orchard today. i had a lot of fun but i kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide., a couple of tourists are taking a tour of moscow., an american couple was being shown around moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose..., a man goes into a town he's never seen before, a visit to the mint, a group of soviet tourists takes express-lesson of italian before departure., a tourist goes to see beethoven's grave in austria, me: what time is it, always trust the soviet weather man., i went to runnymede where king john signed the magna carta, there's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters., an egoistic tourist goes on a tour of london., christopher museum, a couple visits jamaica for the first time..., our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum., a priest & a driver arrives at heaven's gate, guarded by st. peter., a tour guide at giza was explaining how the pyramids were 10,002 years old., a tour bus full of noisy americans arrived at runnymede, england., 40 blondes decided to tour london in a double decker bus, western tourist in north korea, some people were taking a tour of a rubber factory, dave and johnny were abroad on holiday., joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit., drums good. drums stop, bad., a couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier., a group of polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the grand canyon on a sightseeing tour., climbing mount everest, bob complains about being in pain..., a notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night..., john and the wendy tattoo, i was traveling in europe, man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening., this man gets married. nsfw.

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Tour Guide Jokes: Hilarious Quips to Keep Travelers Chuckling

David Ciccarelli

January 19, 2024

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Laughter isn’t just good medicine; it’s the universal currency of connection. Picture this: you’re a tour guide, and your group is hanging onto every word, not because they have to, but because they’re eagerly anticipating the next chuckle. Well-timed tour guide jokes can turn a mundane fact into a memorable moment, creating an experience that guests will recall long after the vacation is over.

Remember, the art of injecting humor into your tours isn’t just about having a repertoire of knock-knock jokes. It requires the finesse of a stand-up comedian, understanding the pulse of your audience, and delivering content that resonates. As a tour guide, you have the unique power to transform a sightseeing trip into a journey filled with laughter, learning, and good spirits. Practice might not make perfect, but it’ll certainly make you funnier, ensuring every tour you lead brims with smiles and infectious laughter.

Tour Guide Jokes: Crafting Humor

In mastering the art of the guided tour, remember: laughter can be your sidekick. Dishing out well-timed jokes can transform a typical tour into an unforgettable journey. When aiming for a giggle or a guffaw from your passengers aboard the tour bus, here are some quick tips to keep in mind:

• Know Your Audience : Before unleashing your comedic genius, gauge the crowd. Tailor your humor to suit different cultures and sensitivities.
• Timing is Key : A well-placed punchline after an intriguing fact can turn smiles into full-blown laughter.
• Truth Be Told : Authenticity resonates. Spin your humor around true, yet quirky, aspects of your tour stops.
• Embrace the Unexpected : Surprise your group by taking a familiar situation and adding an amusing twist.
• Practice Makes Perfect : Regularly refine your delivery and comic timing—every tour is a new opportunity.

Keep these strategies in your repertoire:

Remember, everyone loves a guide who can find the funny in the mundane. By infusing your tours with humor, you won’t just share knowledge, you’ll create joyous memories for your travelers.

Crafting Humorous Tour Guide Scripts

Mastering the art of narrative.

Engaging tours start with compelling storytelling. Enhance your guide arsenal with humor and captivating tales. Picture your audience as close friends, eager to experience your journey. The more you share, the better you become at painting vivid scenarios and delivering punchlines with impact. Remember, a good story invites laughter as naturally as shared memories with friends.

Self-Deprecation: Your Secret Weapon

Nobody can resist a bit of self-mockery. By gently roasting yourself, you become endearing and relatable. Kick off tours with some good-natured self-deprecation. It’s not about making yourself the subject of every joke, but showing confidence to laugh at yourself sets a friendly tone for the tour.

The Art of the Unexpected

Introduce a twist in your tales that takes listeners by surprise. Build up a story with two believable points, and toss in a zinger for the third. Comedy’s rule of three is magic; your audience expects one thing and gets another. This technique can create an infectious ripple of laughter, leaving guests delighted by the unexpected turn.

Stretch the Truth for a Laugh

Embellishing details can transport your crowd from a gentle chuckle to a hearty guffaw. Set the scene, get them comfortable, and then exaggerate a point to absurdity. The key is to keep them on the edge of their seats until the big reveal.

Spontaneity with Your Spectators

Improvisation keeps a tour fresh and exciting. Be ready to adapt and throw in an off-the-cuff remark. Maybe share a humorous tidbit from a past tour or react to the moment. With every risk comes the chance of a big comedic payoff.

Engaging Your Audience

Turn tour goers from passive listeners to active participants. Make your narrative interactive; a shared joke or a playful tease can bridge the distance between guide and guest. Take a note from stand-up comedians: keep a set of go-to quips for a consistently lively experience .

Remember, while statistics and scripted jokes have their place, the spontaneous moments often make for the most memorable tours. Keep it lively, keep it fun, and most importantly, keep it real. Your guests will thank you for a tour they’ll never forget.

Amusing Tour Guide Quips

When you’re ushering visitors around, your way with words can truly elevate the experience. Imagine being on a solemn trek across a cemetery and you light up the atmosphere by saying, “Keep the noise down, people are dying to get in here.” Now that’s a game-changer in storytelling – and it’s all about the flawless timing.

Tour guides often have a treasure trove of one-liners and anecdotes. Here’s a platter of what you might hear that tickles the funny bone:

• Riddles : “What kind of room has no doors or windows? A mushroom! Welcome to the fungi forest of Ohio , folks!
• Knock-Knock Jokes : “Knock-knock! Who’s there? Hawaii . Hawaii who? I’m fine, Hawaii you?”
• Sheep Puns for the Win : As you pass by a pasture in New York , “What do you call a dancing sheep? A baa-llroom dancer!”

Expect to hear punchy humor like:

• For the history buffs in Vatican City: “The Magna Carta was really not that big. It was more like a Medium Carta.”
• In the Potomac River: “Did you know President Lincoln was a great wrestler? He had a very impressive ‘log’ record!”

Creative guides toss in cultural zingers, too:

• On the Italian streets: “Don’t worry if we get lost…we’ll just pasta time until we find our way.”
• In China: “Avoid the Great Wall… it’s just another ‘barrier’ to fun.”

And of course, every tour could use some animal humor:

• On a safari: “Did I mention the hip-hurt-potamus? He’s limping because he has jokes backing up his sense of humor.”

Timing as a Funny Tour Guide

Right off the bat, when you kick off a tour, it’s your showtime—time to gauge your crowd’s giggle-meter. Remember, humor’s a tricky beast, and not all jokes land the same way with everyone.

• Be Prepared: Have a quiver of stories and jokes ready to draw from and adapt them on the fly based on your audience’s reactions.
• Relate to Visitors: Ask where they’re hailing from—this can spark some spontaneous repartee.
• Commit to the Punchline: Serve up jokes with confidence, and give them room to breathe. Let the laughter roll before moving on.
• Forge a Connection: Shared chuckles can unify the group, creating a buffer against unforeseen hiccups.

Concluding Reflections

Learning the craft of humor can be a delightful journey. Did you know that research suggests laughter can enhance recall? Your efforts to tickle the funny bones of your guests might just cement you in their memories. It’s not just about the chuckles; it’s about crafting experiences they’ll rush to share online, potentially earning you those coveted stars.

Embrace the trial and error; it’s through the authentic attempts that you’ll discover what truly engages your audience. And remember, even a simple quip can turn an ordinary tour into an extraordinary adventure. Just think, a well-timed joke about why you can’t be buried in a cemetery across the street—”because you’re still living!”—might just be the playful twist your tour needs.

Essential Questions for Prospective Tour Guides

• Experience : Have you led tours before?
• Flexibility : Can you handle on-the-fly itinerary changes?
• Knowledge : Are you familiar with local history and culture?
• Personality : Could you entertain a group for hours?

Remember, the right question can be the difference between a tour guide who just goes through the motions and one who makes every tour memorable. Your perfectly crafted queries could lead you to the tour guide who turns a rainy day into a story of epic adventure!

Frequently Asked Questions

Witty one-liners for your tour.

Who says history has to be dry? Spice up your tour dialogue with some zesty one-liners. For instance, standing before an ancient artifact, you might quip, “This relic is so old, it makes the antique show look like a newborn’s wardrobe!”

Cracking a Joke at Historical Sites

Timing is everything when you’re delivering a punchline amidst the echos of history. A light-hearted approach, like “Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space !” can complement the grandeur of historic monuments without upstaging them.

Family-Safe Jokes for Everyone to Enjoy

Keep it clean and keep them keen! For a family audience, you might say, “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” ensuring a giggle without any blushed cheeks.

Humorous Stories for Campus Tours

Navigating a college tour can be as amusing as the stories you tell. Share a chuckle with prospective students by saying, “Our library is so quiet, even the books are too hushed to tell their stories!”

Balancing Humor with Respect

When you weave humor into your narrative, walk the line carefully. A joke like, “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” is light enough to amuse without offending your audience.

Joke Boundaries for Professional Tour Guides

Protect your professionalism with jokes that won’t crumble under scrutiny. Steer clear of anything politically charged or potentially insensitive. Remember, “A good tour guide is like a good book: well-thumbed and full of great tales, but never offensive to the reader!”

administrator

David Ciccarelli, is the Founder and CEO of Lake. He is based in Toronto, Canada, and is an expert in management, business administration, strategy, product development, and customer experience. His educational achievements include the Owner President Management Program at Harvard Business School (2019-2022) and the QuantumShift Program at Ivey Business School in 2017, aimed at CEOs of growing businesses.

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How to Be a Funny Tour Guide and Delight Guests

By Breanna Lawlor

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We know a smile is a universal language, helping to connect people across cultures and traditions. And who doesn’t love to laugh?

Thankfully, laughter presents us with an opportunity to better understand each other. Humour can break the ice among tour guests to inspire a happy, attentive audience. In fact, travelers are more likely to pay attention if they have a reason to — and enjoying a good laugh is a great reason to listen. 

Naturally, being a funny tour guide enhances your ability to bridge cultural gaps and bring your group together. With this said, being consistently funny in a group is a skill and one that’s built up with plenty of practice.

Making someone laugh can be one of the most effective ways to connect with them and curate a fun, enjoyable experience for all.

How to deliver funny tour guide jokes 

We already know that as tour guides you wear many hats. To be successful, you need to know  how to make a commentary in tour guiding , handle groups and demonstrate savvy time management in addition to wayfinding skills.

And while being comedic is an art — thankfully, you can learn how to be a funny tour guide. By sprinkling a few jokes throughout the tour, you’ll find yourself with a receptive audience or an insightful experience.

Guests build connections amid shared truths. This means that they’ll laugh if something you say happens to be both funny and true, in response to sharing a feeling of discomfort and/or pain.

To get a better sense of what I mean, this  video  with John Vorhaus of the Comedy Toolbox shares basic approaches to becoming funny. Laughter is a result of saying something that contradicts your guests’ expectations and surprises them.

And sure, it may take a few attempts to get your words and delivery just right. As described in  the Comedy Toolbox book , being funny is a mix of truth and pain. The secret to being funny? Lean into relatable topics that will lead to easy laughs from your tour group.

Developing a funny tour guide script

When something is true, it’s more likely to make people laugh, as is highlighted in this Tourpreneur podcast and blog post . 

And while a script can be useful in setting verbal reminders, some of the best experiences are ad hoc. When working on building up your funny bone, here are a few approaches that are time-tested.

1. Become a storyteller 

When it comes to developing  savvy tour guide skills , a sense of humour is pretty high on the list. It’s true that  storytelling is one of the best ways of relating to one another  and forging connections. 

To start, you’ll want to become a master at the art of storytelling and bringing your guests into the story. It’s not unlike sharing a story of your travels with family and friends.

Consider this; the first time you share something for the first time, you might leave a few things out or deliver a weak punchline. Keep at it. Continue to experiment with your storytelling skills, making sure to invite your audience into the scene by painting a picture with your words. 

2. Choose your hero

Are you hoping to charm guests with a  little self-deprecating humour ? This tactic can work wonders in making people laugh without being the butt of your jokes.

Aim to encourage guests to arrive early for a little preamble. This is a prime opportunity to try out some lighthearted jokes. Every audience needs to be able to root for the hero, plus you’ll appear humble and likable if you’re not afraid to poke fun at yourself.

3. Infuse misdirection and surprise

Imagine your audience all ears and completely lost in your story where they think they have an idea of where your story is going, and then, whoops, you pull a fast one and deliver an unexpected twist.

The rule of three in comedy speaks to how the first two stated topics are truths, with the third topic being the phony bit. And herein lies the humour. Eventually, you’ll be drawing upon memory, so by the time you’ve shared the story for the fourth or tenth time, it’s dialled in and filled with enthusiasm.

For instance, let’s say you’re chatting with guests about packing for a family vacation. You’re at the airport double-checking that you haven’t forgotten anything. Keys? Check. Passport? Check. Your mother-in-law? Oh no. Cue the laughter.

With this quip being wildly different from the first two topics, is it unexpected and the results? People can’t help but smile from ear to ear.

3. Experiment with over-exaggeration

The great comedian writer Gene Perret wrote that comedy is like pulling the rug out from under your audience. But first, you need to gain their trust to step on the carpet and keep their trust until the end so they won’t step off the rug.“

So let’s say you want a way of framing your delivery to lead to laughs from your guests. The last thing you say before people laugh is the punchline, and you want to leave space to allow your guests to laugh.

4. Improvise with your audience

If you’re not well-versed in speaking to a crowd or coming up with witty one-liners on the spot, it can be challenging to juggle humour with relevant tour facts.

For instance, you might open with a story about the first time you lead this tour and sprinkle in any funny mishaps. Being a funny tour guide requires you to have a willingness to take risks. Sure, maybe your guests won’t laugh. But what if they do?

5. Include your guests in your act

You’ve probably been bored to tears when overhearing a rambling of facts versus stories. Instead, animate the experience for your guests.

This  Tourpreneur podcast and interview  highlights what makes for a compelling tour. Make things easy by having a pocket setlist, much like what comedians do, jotting down a few funny reminders or facts that guests tend to like.

I can recall attending a live comedy performance once where the comedian was being tested with the front row. A guest insisted on remaining deadpan the entire time. 

This prompted the comic to address him directly, asking, “are you having a good time?” The guest nods, and the comic — without missing a beat — responds with, “Yeah? Tell your face.” resulting in the guest and entire audience erupting into a fit of laughter.

But what really makes a tour guide stand out to both tour operators and their guests? A guide who’s ready for anything. 

Comedy class 101

A few years ago, I set out to learn the inner workings of comedy. Signing up for a six-week-long comedy course, I committed to performing in front of a live audience as the finale.

While this course was one of the most challenging experiences I’ve ever had, it was also one of the most enlightening. As a result, I’m grateful to be able to share a thing or two about cracking jokes in public. The best part? Having your audience burst into laughter.

During my time in the spotlight, I shared a mix of funny, true stories from my childhood. I found the audience laughed the most when the punchline was short and failed to match what they believed was coming next. One of the first lessons we learned in the live comedy class was how to use the art of misdirection.

In my case, I shared a story of when my younger sister and I were chasing each other around the house. One of us changed directions, and my front tooth collided with my sister’s head, leaving her in tears and me with a grey (dead) front tooth.

I bluntly stated that this look lasted for four years and paused long enough to allow the audience to laugh. I followed it up with a quip about how awkward it can be to be a teenager, causing the audience to chuckle even more because they had a very different picture in their minds.

This was a prime example of a bit of self-deprecating humour infused with the awkwardness of youth — something many of us can relate to. When exploring what will make people burst into laughter, you need to take a leap of faith by allowing yourself the freedom to experiment with your jokes.

Examples of things funny tour guides say

Do you know how people say it’s all in the delivery? When it comes to comedy, timing is everything. Memorable tour guides share a few things in common. First, they know how to command attention and how to deliver a good story. So, all you have to do is focus on how you can lead your guests to a smile. 

Adjusting your speaking tempo can make the difference between a line that’s funny or not. Ideally, you want guests hanging onto your every word, which means sprinkling in funny tidbits throughout the tour.

As an example, my husband and I went to a wine tasting in Saint Emilion, outside of Bordeaux. The guide had taken us through a wine tour in French and English, dropping a few funny lines throughout.

We arrived back at the winery, awaiting a decadent glass of 15-year-old wine. Before we were invited to have a sip, our guide used humour to capture our attention to demonstrate how to properly taste wine.

He began by pointing out how we might not want to do this if we cared about our shirt — earning the group’s eyes and ears while ensuring we’d go about doing it correctly. Then, we discovered how to bring oxygen into our mouth while tasting the wine, not unlike blowing bubbles in reverse.

If you’re looking for suggestions on  how to be a successful tour guide , you’ll find yourself in good company. The best experience providers care about their guests and go the extra mile of connecting in person.

Timing as a funny tour guide 

In the first few minutes of a tour, aim to assess your audience’s sense of humour. However, it’s important to keep in mind that not everyone will find the same things funny.

Having a few stories in your head will help you fill any gaps of awkward silence. You can also inquire with your guests where they are from and see if this inspires any witty banter.

Regardless of your approach, ensure you commit to the joke and leave enough space to allow guests to enjoy it from the  Comic Toolbox: How to Be Funny , Even if You’re Not by John Vorhaus. 

To further support an overall positive experience, getting the group on the same page with laughter helps to forge a buffer in the event of something going array. 

Aim to create the kind of atmosphere you think your guests will love. People are more likely to be laidback and trusting if you’ve fostered a lighthearted atmosphere to being with. Besides, there’s a good chance you’ll have someone in your group that will pick up on your sense of humour and roll with it.

Funny tour guide resources

For a professional’s take on becoming a better public speaker, explore this How to Become a Better and Funnier Speaker course by David Nahill. It might be just the ticket for learning tactics to boost your confidence. Here are some additional resources to help you forge your path as a funny tour guide:

• Comedy Writing Self Taught Workbook
• The Hidden Tools of Comedy , plus you can learn more here
• Truth in Comedy

Final thoughts 

On your next tour, give storytelling a try. You might be surprised by your natural abilities and have a lot of fun while you’re at it. For more ways to brush up on key responsibilities of a tour guide be sure to explore the different courses available.

Part of why guests love stories is in how they create bonds and form memories. So, while being funny may not always be easy, if you or your staff are committed to learning  how to be the best tour guide , you’ll recognize what clicks for your guests. And sure, it may take a few attempts to get the words and delivery right, but when it does, it’s magic. 

Regardless of how you choose to infuse humour in your tours, aim to always leave travelers wanting more. This way, they’ll be hanging off your every word hoping to hear something that will make them laugh. 

A memorable tour typically translates to favourable reviews, and who doesn’t want a  five-star quality tour guide  to rave about?

Looking to hire a tour guide that’s funny?

Download our 147 Questions to ask Tour Guides!

Know what to ask to get the right hire — every time.

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Travel Quotes and Jokes

Last Updated: January 23, 2024

120 Top Travel Jokes [Genuinely Funny Jokes about Travelling]

Looking for some top travel jokes to lighten the mood on your next vacation? Check out these 120 funny jokes about travelling!

Danny Newman

I hope these jokes about travelling put a smile on your face!

On vacation and looking to lighten the mood? Well, good news:

The internet’s awash with travel jokes so bad they might actually do the trick!

Here are 118 of the best (or worst?) ones I could find that should at least put a smile on your face and help you get ready for an unforgettable adventure .

[Last updated: March 2023]

Here we go then: 118 travel jokes, one-liners, and puns about travel…

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• 60 Brilliant Boat Puns and Boat Jokes
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Knock-Knock Travel Jokes

Everyone loves a good knock-knock joke! While some are cheesy enough to make you cringe, there’s nothing like a surprising answer that actually makes you chuckle. These are fun and clean enough for the whole family to enjoy!

1. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? Cargo beep-beep!

2. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Europe. Europe who? No, I’m not! You are!

3. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I’m good! Hawaii you?

4.  Knock-knock. Who’s there?. Norma Lee Norma Lee who? Norma Lee, we go swimming on Sundays, but we wanted to visit you instead!

5. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Romeo. Romeo who? Romeo cross this lake in this canoe!

6. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Oscar. Oscar who? Oscar if she wants to go on the trip with us!

7. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Buck and Ham. Buck and Ham who? Buck and Ham palace!

8. Knock-knock Who’s there? Ron. Ron who? Ron faster! There’s a tiger after us!

9. Knock-knock Who’s there? Cameron. Cameron who? Cameron film are what we’ll need to take pictures!

10. Knock-knock Who’s there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? I Sherwood like to leave school right now for our trip!

Love animals? You’ll appreciate the following travelling jokes…

Roaringly Good Travelling Jokes

Planning to visit some wild animals on your next adventure? These 10 animal-themed jokes are sure to offer a roaring good time.

11. How do you know elephants love to travel? Because they always pack their trunk!

12. How do rabbits travel? By Hareplane!

13. Where do sharks like to go on vacation? Finland!

14. Where do hamsters like to go on vacation? Hamsterdam!

15. Where do bees like to go on vacation? Stingapore!

16. Where do sheep like to go on vacation? The Baa-hamas!

17. Where do cows like to go on vacation? Moo York!

18. What happens when you cross a snake and a plane? You get a Boeing constrictor!

19. Where do honeybees use the bathroom on a long road trip? The BP station.

20. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks.

Funny Jokes About Vacation Transportation

Planes, trains, and automobiles ! However you travel, these jokes will get you there in funny fashion.

21. What do you get when you cross a plane with a magician? A flying sorcerer!

22. Why did the librarian get chucked off the plane? Because the flight was overbooked!

23. What happens when you wear a watch on a plane? Time flies!

24. What happens if you take the five o’clock train home? You have to give it back!

25. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs on vacation? Hailing taxi.

26. What kind of car does Yoda drive around in? A Toyoda.

27.  Which automobile is best for a family road trip across the ocean? A Honda Sea-RV.

28. I don’t want to take my dog on road trips! He can be such a bark seat driver.

29. The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…It was a little plane.

30. Who invented the first airplane that couldn’t take off? The Wrong Brothers.

Here are some of the best vacation jokes on the net!

Vacation Jokes About Geography

Whether you’re going halfway around the world or just to a neighboring city , pull out a map and enjoy these guffaws about geography.

31. Where do pepperonis like to go on vacation? The Leaning Tower Of Pizza!

32. Where is a teacher’s favourite holiday destination? Times Square!

33. Which country is filled with the most germs? Germany!

34. What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home? “Where on Earth have you been?”

35. I’d love to travel to Finland…but I’m afraid I might disappear into FinAir!

36. Why don’t aliens visit our planet? It has terrible ratings. One star.

37. I LIKE TO WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

38. Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw a sign, started crying and went home. The sign said, “Disneyland Left”.

39. What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.

40. Which U.S. state is round at the ends and high in the middle? Ohio!

Great Travelling Puns

Who doesn’t love puns about travel? These next 10 jokes offer destination-specific double meanings perfect for any travel lover!

41. I took four hours to check out of my hotel in Japan. The receptionist told me,  “You really Tokyo time.”

42. I love travelling to France. There’s nothing Toulouse.

43. Why are the winters so cold in America? I think Alaska local.

44. I haven’t slept in days because I am about to climb the highest mountain in the world. I wonder whether I will Everest.

45. Mountains are not just funny, they are really hilly areas.

46. The airline lost my luggage, so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.

47. I love glamping. My current mood is pretty tents!

48. Which U.S. state has the tiniest drinks? Mini Soda.

49. Going vacationing at the coast? Remember to keep it reel.

50. I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

Travelling puns and one-liners might not make you laugh out loud, but they may bring a smile to your lips!

One-Liners About Travel

Short, sweet, and to the point. These one-liners pack a lot into quick punchline!

51. Running to the boarding gate is my favorite workout.

52. We’re all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

53. I have an irrational fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

54. You can’t make everyone happy, unless you’re a plane ticket.

55. I wanted to make a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it.

56. Flat-earthers travel the world on a plane!

57. I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

58. I need six months of vacation, twice a year.

59. Girls always travel in odd numbers because they can’t even.

60. I’d love to go to Holland one day, wooden shoe?

Jokes About Hiking and Traveling

Does your idea of a great getaway involve scaling the summit ? If so, you’ll love these jokes about hiking!

61. Don’t love the water? Hiking is great for an altitude adjustment!

62. When going to the bathroom in the woods, you have to use the facilitrees.

63. Want to know our plan for today’s hike? I’ll summit up nicely.

64. My favorite trail mix includes songs from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem.

65. These particular mountains give me a Rushmore than others.

66. I’m confused. The trail looked so flat on the map!

67. Did you hear the joke about the hill? No one could get over it!

68. How do crazy hikers get out of the forest? They take the psychopath

69. What’s the best jacket to wear on a hike? A trailblazer!

70. Hipsters like to hike backcountry rivers. They’re less mainstream.

You can’t go wrong with road trip jokes!

Travelling Jokes About Road Trips

Planning an epic road trip this summer? You’ll need funny fuel to make it all the way! Here are a few jokes to keep you going.

71. Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip? Oregon

72. Don’t worry if our old car breaks down on our trip through Canada. I have Triple Eh.

73. Drove through Covert, New York on a road trip once. Didn’t notice.

74. I love when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, tiny pest.

75. Why couldn’t the frog find where he parked his car? He’d been toad.

76. It’s fun to drive in the outback, but you’ll need to show koala-fications.

77. What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S? Automobile.

78. I got gas for $1.99 at lunch. Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

79. If I owned a DeLorean…I’d probably only drive it from time to time.

80. When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

Jokes About Going on Vacation

Need a little R&R? If you’re traveling solely for the purpose of wining, dining, and soaking in the view, then these jokes are for you!

81. Do fish go on vacation? No, they’re always in school!

82. Why can’t basketball players go on vacation? They’d get called for travelling!

83. What’s gray and has four legs and a trunk? A mouse on vacation!

84. Why did the robot go on vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries!

85. What’s brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation!

86. What kind of tree fits into your hand? A palm tree!

87. What does it cost to spend the day at the beach? A few sand dollars.

88. Where do meteorologists travel to relax? The isobar!

89. Me: “I’d love to travel more”. The bank account: “Like, to the park?”

90. My favourite childhood memory is my parents paying for my holidays.

Some of the best travel jokes are all about the travel bug!

Love travel jokes? You might like these posts too:

• 150 Couple Travel Quotes
• 25 Unforgettable Family Travel Quotes
• 20 Thought-Provoking Living Abroad Quotes
• 50 Funny Road Trip Quotes

Jokes About Travel Obsessions

Do you live, sleep, and breathe travel? Is all of your free time spent planning your next getaway? If so, you’ll relate to these side-splitters!

91. My passport just called me. It’s super bored. Guess I have to travel then!

92. I want to go to Bora-Bora, but I’m too Pora-Pora.

93. I get so tired of waking up and not being at the beach.

94. I wish I was a postcard. For less than $2, you can travel the world!

95. Sure, working is great. But, have you tried travelling?

96. I followed my heart, and it led me to the airport.

97. I’ve got 99 problems, but I’m on vacation so I’m ignoring them all!

98. Why can’t I find someone who looks at me the way I look at a travel magazine?

99. Can’t decide if I need a hug, a dark coffee, 6 shots of vodka, or two months of travel.

100. A plane ticket is the answer. Who cares what the question is?!

Miscellaneous Jokes About Travel

Still searching for the perfect joke about travel? This final section of miscellaneous puns and jokes might do the trick.

101. Person A: “I tried to sue the airline that lost my luggage.” Person B: “Did you win?” Person A: “No, I lost the case.”

101. Why does nobody like the plane? It has a bad altitude .

102. What’s the capital of Spain? S .

103. German sausage jokes are just the wurst .

104. Don’t plan your vacation with a broken pencil. It’s absolutely pointless .

105. Oceans are so friendly. They’re always waving at you.

106. Never fly on Peter Pan Airways. They neverland .

107. Why did the pirate book a vacation? He needed some ARGH and ARGH.

108. Why did the robot book a vacation? He had to recharge his batteries.

109. What made the librarian angry at the airport? His flight was overbooked .

110. Why did the flight attendant apologize to the family of elephants? They were only allowed one trunk onboard.

111. Who built the first plane that couldn’t take off? The Wrong brothers.

112. What did the Canadian pay for in case their car broke down on their road trip? Triple Eh .

113. How do fleas like to travel? They ‘itch hike .

114. Where did the cows decide to travel? Moo York .

115. What did the lazy baguette do on holiday? It just loafed around .

116. You must be from Ecuador, because you have the Quito my heart.

117. What do travelers like best about Switzerland? I’m not sure, but the flag’s a big plus.

118. What happens when you wear a watch on a plane? Time flies.

Enjoy These Jokes About Travelling

Travelling might have its serious side, but it can be pretty funny, too!

While some of the one-liners above may fall into the “dad joke” category, they’re sure to give you at least a little chuckle.

Whether you’re stuck riding shotgun, waiting for your flight, or lounging on your hotel bed, enjoy these and smile!

Heading for the hills? Check out these 55 mountain puns and jokes before your big trip!

• Be A Better Guide is now Guest Focus

How to be a funny tour guide and How to give a funny tour?

• January 16, 2022

Today’s Tour Guide Training? How to be a funny tour guide and how to give a funny tour.

Being funny is one of those traits that many incredible tour guides seem to share. You don’t have to be funny to be a great guide, but a well-placed joke or a good-hearted jab can really make your tour a lot more fun.

People love laughing, being surprised and hearing about absurd people and places. A great tour is ultimately a form of entertainment and it is worth it to figure out how you can incorporate humour into your experience.

Luckily, there are lots of ways to be funny, but unluckily, there is nothing less funny than someone trying too hard to tell jokes.

My strategy today is as follows:

• Check out the above video for some tips on writing jokes and creating humour on your tour.
• On YouTube I’ve found a tremendously funny English tour guide named Beefeater Bill. His tour lasts just under an hour, but is a great example of a tour guide being hilarious.

To connect with ‘Beefeater’ Bill Callaghan you can use the links below for his website and Twitter account!

http://www.beefeaterbill.com

https://twitter.com/intent/user?screen_name=BillyBeefeater

Click below to share today’s QnA tweetable:

Being funny is mostly telling the truth about things -Bernard Sahlins via @beabetterguide

Finished Watching?

In the comments let me know how you are funny on tour? What have you found is the best way to write jokes and what did you think about Beefeater Bill’s tour?

Transcript:

Hi, everyone. This is Kelsey from beabetterguide.com and welcomes to our community Q&A. Hopefully, we still got some Americans with us.

So, you’re here, probably wanting how you can be a little bit more fun on tour or incorporate some humour into tours that you give. Now, being funny is a skill that’s great to have if you’re a tour guide, but it’s really not an easy one to master.

So, here’s what I was thinking of doing today. After doing some research, I found the videos below of a complete tour, the Tower of London. The tour is given by Beefeater Bill, Bill Callaghan is the Yeoman of the Guard and gives the tour at the Tower of London.

Now, these videos went a little bit viral a few years back and collectively, they’ve earned over a million views mostly because he’s downright hilarious. He puts on this really tough military demeanour that you wouldn’t expect from a tour guide.

So, if you’re looking for a little inspiration, I would highly recommend watching these videos below. But while you’re doing it, here are three things to consider when you’re trying to be funny on tour.

“Most good jokes state some bitter truth,” said the scriptwriter, Larry Gelbart. And without some fundamental basis in truth, most jokes will tend to fall flat.

So, a great example from Beefeater Bill’s tour is when he’s talking about how executioners would mount the head, severed heads on spikes and put them on London Bridge, and this was a warning to would-be traitors and also served as a form of an early bird feeder.

This gets super gross, but it gets a chuckle from people because there is some truth to this joke.

Surprise is one of the primary reasons why people laugh and therefore, it’s one of the most successful building blocks for a good joke.

To paraphrase Gene Perret, he wrote that comedy is like mentally pulling the rug out from under your audience.

But first, you have to fool them, you have to get them to stand on the rug and if they see you getting ready to pull the rug, then they’ll just step off.

So, for example from Bill. He uses this simple misdirection when he says, “Would you like to hear about a bad execution or really bad execution?” And this gets a chuckle from people because they’re expecting him to offer better alternatives.

Another important building block for humor is an exaggeration and the absurd. The whole premise of Beefeater Bill’s tour is shtick if you will.

He’s laughably absurd. Basically that these people have come, they’ve paid good money and they want a top-quality tour guide, and he is tossing out all the normal customer service sort of things, sort of berating them as new recruits into the army.

So, that even itself is quite funny, and part of it I think is why he’s able to pull it off.

Another absurd thing that happens on the tour is at one point he starts talking about his marital status. He starts joking “Oh, how hard it is to find a lady living here in the Tower of London. I guess he lives on site.”

And this also gets big laughs from people because normally this is something that’s way out of line for a tour guide to do, but it kind of shows that he’s able to laugh at himself and is able to pull it off. Whenever you’re making jokes on a tour, you are taking a bit of a risk.

So, you could play it ultra-conservatively, not have any jokes, and make sure you don’t offend anybody. But in my opinion, this is a risk worth taking.

You’ll find the jokes that make most people laugh, you’ll learn ones that don’t work, you know, that you’re going to have to upset a few people here and there.

But in the end, that’s going to be worth it. It’s going to make for a much more interesting tour and you will find humor that’s your style.

And so, for today’s tweetable, “Being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. –Bernard Sahlins.” So share the tweetable if you’re inspired or like and share this video.

In the comments below, let me know how you are funny on tour, how do you write jokes, whether have you found a method that works, and what you think of Beefeater Bill’s funny tour below. Thanks so much for being here. I’ll see you next time.

3 guilt-free tipping systems any tour leader should know about. Part 7 of 8

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Conversion Rate Optimization for Tour Businesses

In this blog post video, we’re going to talk about bonuses and extras and how you can use them on your tour sales pages to differentiate yourself from your competitors, create fear of missing out and go that extra mile with your ideal target guest.

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In this blog post and video, we’ll cover an essential component of high-converting tour sales pages – frequently asked questions (FAQs).

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65+ Funny Travel Jokes for a Laughter Trip

Traveling is an excellent way to experience the world and create memories. Next time you go on a trip, remember funny travel jokes.

Traveling enriches your life . There are many ways to travel, such as on an airplane , cruise, car , or foot.

Since the first flight by the Wright Brothers , travel has become more accessible.

You can learn about the world, escape reality, relax, and make memories.

Laughter is also a significant part of traveling.

The following are the funniest travel jokes you need to read before or during your next trip.

Table of Contents

Hilarious travel jokes.

1 . Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?

It was overbooked.

2 . How do you know elephants love road trips?

They always pack their trunk.

3 . What do you call a magician on an airplane?

A flying sorcerer.

Related : What do you call a magician’s dog?

4 . What happens when you wear a watch on a plane?

Time flies.

5 . What kind of chocolate do airports sell?

Plane chocolate.

6 . What’s the best way to travel with kids?

7 . Why shouldn’t you fly on Peter Pan Airlines?

They Neverland.

8 . Why are mountains the funniest travel destination?

They’re hill areas.

9 . What travels around the world but stays in a corner.

10 . Why don’t fish travel?

They’re always in school .

11 . What’s the cheapest way to travel?

By sale boat .

12 . Why didn’t anyone like the airplane?

It had a bad altitude.

13 . Why did the robot go on vacation?

To recharge its batteries.

14 . Did you hear about the itinerary for our hiking vacation?

I’ll summit up nicely.

15 . Why don’t kangaroos like to travel?

Their pouch potatoes.

16 . Why do some girls like to travel in groups of odd numbers?

Because they can’t even.

17 . What do you call a traveler that’s always calm and collected?

18 . What makes camping challenging?

It’s in tents.

19 . Why don’t aliens travel to Earth?

It has bad ratings, only one star.

20 . What do you get when you cross a snake with an airplane?

A Boeing constrictor.

21 . What does bread do when it travels?

It loafs around.

22 . What did the pig say after traveling to a hot destination?

I’m bacon.

23 . Why don’t crabs take their family and friends on vacation?

They’re shellfish.

24 . Why don’t photons have checked bags?

They travel light.

25 . How do witches choose hotels?

They look for the best broom service.

Related : What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

26 . Where does Santa Claus stay when he travels?

The ho-ho-hotel.

27 . Which airline the barbers in the United Kingdom use?

British Hair -ways.

28 . What do you do if you reach a fork in the road during a trip?

Stop for lunch.

29 . Do you want to hear a joke about time travel?

You didn’t like it.

30 . How do fleas travel?

Itch-hiking.

31 . Why don’t bears travel with suitcases?

They only bring the bear necessities.

32 . How do lobsters travel?

By shell-icopter.

33 . Why did the coffee call the police while traveling?

It got mugged.

Knock-knock travel jokes

1 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Europe. Europe who? No, I’m not. You are.

2 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I’m great. Hawaii you?

3 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Belize. Belize who? I didn’t sneeze.

4 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Tokyo. Tokyo who? What did you take from me?

5 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Peru. Peru who? It’s okay. Don’t cry.

6 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Hanoi. Hanoi who? You know who did it?

7 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Ibiza. Ibiza who? Do you want a piece of me?

8 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pico. Pico who? I see you.

9 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Quebec. Quebec who? Quebec your pardon.

10 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Bangkok. Bangkok who? Doodle doo.

11 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Bolivia. Bolivia who? I believe you, too.

12 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Havana. Havana who? Havana great time.

13 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Samoa. Samoa who? I want Samoa you.

14 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Oscar. Oscar who? Oscar if she wants to travel with us.

15 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? I Sherwood love to travel right now.

16 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Boo-hoo, I want to travel.

17 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? RV. RV who? RV there yet?

18 . Knock-knock. Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? Cargo beep beep.

Jokes about travel destinations

1 . What’s a pianist’s favorite travel destination?

Florida Keys.

2 . What’s a pencil’s favorite travel destination?

Pennsylvania.

Related : What do you call a broken pencil?

3 . Where do sharks go on vacation ?

4 . What’s a hamster’s favorite travel destination?

Hamster-dam.

5 . What’s a sheep’s favorite destination?

The Baa-hamas.

6 . Where do pirates go on vacation?

Arr-gentina.

7 . What’s a bee’s favorite vacation destination?

Sting-apore.

8 . Where do superheroes go on vacation?

9 . Where do balloons go in Italy?

10 . Where do cows go on vacation?

11 . Where do ghost’s go on vacation ?

12 . What do pepperoni’s like to see on vacation?

The Leaning Tower of Pizza .

13 . Why are winters so cold in Juneau?

I don’t know. Alaska local.

14 . Which country has the most germs?

15 . What’s it like traveling to Bulgaria?

Sofia, so good.

16 . Where do crayons go on vacation?

Related : Funny Quotes About Having Fun and Enjoying Life

Featured image by David Em/Humor Living .

113 Travel And Vacation Jokes & Puns For Your Next Trip

Niklas Forstreuter

• March 25, 2024

Get ready to laugh out loud at these funny travel jokes, vacation puns, and hilarious one-liners about traveling. Some are simple and a bit cringy, while others take a bit longer to figure out, but you’re guaranteed to find your new favorite on this complete list.

Keep yourself and your loved ones entertained on your next vacation with these hilarious travel jokes and puns, which will make you smile.

This post may contain affiliate links, which means we’ll receive a commission if you purchase through our links at no extra cost to you. This helps us keep Guide Your Travel free and provide high-quality content for you. Please read the full disclaimer for more information.

Best jokes about travel

Here are the best jokes about travel, with hilarious plane situations, road trip jokes, and much more.

1. “While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just blew up!” Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their back. “Hey,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?” The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?” “There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help”

2. “Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119”

3. “A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London, the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412” The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston, we’d have that thing up in two weeks!” Next they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618. “Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas, and it only took a year!” As they passed Westminister Abbey, the cabbie was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there”, asked the Texan. The cabbie replies, scratching his head, “Now that, I don’t know; it sure wasn’t there yesterday!”

4. “One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes, the engines start spooling up, and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment, the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we are gonna get killed!”

5. My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane. Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.” A moment later, a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.

6. Many years ago, a certain mountain man, by the name of Shorthorn Bill, had become a noted guide throughout Montana Territory. Regretfully, the territory became too hot to hold him, and Bill was forced to relocate to a cooler area. Having settled outside Denver, he again began working his trade, mainly with wealthy easterners who were passing through the city. On one adventure, it happened that Bill had a party of railroad men out on the high range and, as he was still new to the place, got the group hopelessly lost. After many days of travel, the party became angry. “You told us you were the best guide in Colorado,” they asserted. “I am,” replied Bill, “but I figure we’re in Wyoming now.”

7. Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?” The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.” Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.” The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?” The first says, “That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant”

8. An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she’d been hoodwinked. Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. “How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?”” “Well,” says the pilot, “it’s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years.” “I can understand that,” replies the doctor. “But what about the take-off?” “Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!” “But once you’re aloft?” “Oh, everything’s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself.” “But I still don’t see how you land!” “Oh, that’s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport’s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, ‘AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!’ pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!”

9. An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.” When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.” Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!”

10. “Leaving Washington D.C. for Richmond, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken, so I went to the second stall. I’d just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall. Hi there, how’s it going?” Now, I’m not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say, but finally I said, “Not bad…” Then the voice said, “So, what are you doing?” I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, “Well, I’m just going to the bathroom, then I’m headed back home.” The voice interrupted, “Look, I’m going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!”

11. While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” “Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?” “We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.”

12. “One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?” “I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With a smile on his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side of the road and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke, and stomps on the pedal, and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time. He rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the heck do you wanna have?” “Driver’s license and registration, please.”

13. There is a lot pilots have to take into account when flying safely across the sky: 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous. 4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you’ve made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal. 24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. 25. There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

14. “On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a restaurant to make reservations for 7 PM. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, “I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?” “That’s fine,” Sandy said. “Okay,” the woman confirmed. Then she added, “Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table.”

Best short travel jokes

Keep it short and sweet with these quick travel jokes, which are perfect for long plane rides and road trips.

15. I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, ‘In 100 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.’

16. My favorite childhood memory is my parents paying for my holidays.

17. Do you ever stress about money and then accidentally book another flight?

18. Don’t fly on Peter Pan Airways. They neverland.

19. I get so tired of waking up and not being at the beach.

20. I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

21. I love traveling to France. There’s nothing Toulouse.

22. Can’t decide if I need a hug, a dark coffee, 6 shots of vodka, or two months of travel.

23. Don’t worry if our old car breaks down on our trip through Canada. I have Triple Eh.

24. What do travelers like best about Switzerland? I’m not sure, but the flag’s a big plus.

25. I wish I were a postcard. For less than $2, you can travel the world!

26. I haven’t slept in days because I am about to climb the highest mountain in the world. I wonder whether I will Everest.

27. Should I go to work today? Or just book a 1-way ticket to Mexico?

28. Sure, working is great. But have you tried traveling?

29. I love when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, tiny pest.

30. You’ve never felt true fear until your passport isn’t where you think you left it.

31. I want to go to Bora-Bora, but I’m too Pora-Pora.

32. My favorite trail mix includes songs from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem.

33. We are all-time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

34. You can’t make everyone happy unless you’re a plane ticket.

35. I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

36. Me: I’d love to travel more. The bank account: Like, to the park?

37. Oceans are so friendly. They’re always waving at you.

38. I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

39. I don’t want to take my dog on road trips! He can be such a bark seat driver.

40. Running to the boarding gate is my favorite workout.

41. When going to the bathroom in the woods, you have to use the facilitrees

42. I need six months of vacation twice a year.

43. I’m confused. The trail looked so flat on the map.

44. A plane ticket is the answer. Who cares what the question is?

45. The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good… it was a little plane.

46. I’ve got 99 problems, but I’m on vacation, so I’m ignoring them all!

Funniest travel jokes and puns

These travel puns and vacation jokes will make you chuckle and are the perfect dad jokes to keep you entertained on the plane.

47. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks.

48. How do crazy hikers get out of the forest? They take the psychopath.

49. Why don’t pirates travel on mountain roads? S’curvy.

50. Why did the coffee have a terrible vacation? It got mugged on the first day.

51. Why did nobody like the plane? It had a bad altitude.

52. What do you call a group of travelers who all speak different languages? A babble of tourists

53. Who invented the first airplane that couldn’t take off? The Wrong Brothers.

54. What travels all around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.

55. Why did the shark hate its vacation in France? It wanted to go to Finland instead.

56. What happens when you cross a snake and a plane? You get a Boeing constrictor.

57. Want to know our plan for today’s hike? I’ll summit up nicely.

58. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs on vacation? Hailing taxi.

59. Why did the flight attendant apologize to the family of elephants? They were only allowed one trunk onboard.

60. Where do bees like to go on vacation? Stingapore

61. What do you call a cruise ship full of football players? A sportsman-ship

62. What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? The road.

63. Which country has the most germs? Germany.

64. How much fun is it to do your laundry when traveling? Loads.

65. How do you know elephants love to travel? Because they always pack their trunk.

66. Which type of traveler is the most calm? The No-mad.

67. Why don’t aliens visit our planet? It has terrible ratings. Only one star.

68. How do fleas travel? They ‘itch hike.

69. What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S? Automobile.

70. What kind of sweets do they sell at the airport? Plane chocolate

71. Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Globi-Wan-Kenobi.

72. Why did the tired traveler go to Romania? So he could Buch-a-rest.

73. What do you call a time-traveling cow? Doctor Moo.

74. What sound does a bouncing airplane make? Boeing.

75. Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation? A moo-tel.

76. Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

77. How did the buffalo say goodbye to his son at the train station? Bison!

78. Where do pianists go on their vacation? The Florida Keys.

79. What do you get when you cross a plane with a magician? A flying sorcerer

80. Why did the travel agent want to go to the mountains for vacation? She said it was a peak experience.

81. Where do hamsters like to go on vacation? Hamsterdam.

82. Where do sheep like to go on vacation? The Baa-hamas.

83. here do honeybees use the bathroom on a long road trip? The BP station.

84. What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home? Where on Earth have you been?

85. What happens when you wear a watch on a plane? Time flies.

86. What’s gray and has four legs and a trunk? A mouse on vacation.

87. Why couldn’t the frog find where he parked his car? He’d been toad.

88. What happens if you take the five o’clock train home? You have to give it back.

89. Why can cutlery teleport but not time travel? It’s silverwhere, not silverwhen.

90. Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip? Oregon.

91. What’s the favorite airline of an English stylist? British Hairways.

92. What does a clam like to do for vacation? Clamping.

93. What kind of tree fits into your hand? A palm tree.

94. What’s brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

95. Where do pepperonis like to go on vacation? The Leaning Tower Of Pizza.

96. Do fish go on vacation? No, they’re always in school.

97. Why did the robot go on vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.

98. What’s the best jacket to wear on a hike? A trail blazer!

99. What did the lazy baguette do on holiday? It just loafed around.

100. Where do eggs go on vacation? New Yolk City.

101. Why do witches stay in hotels? They heard they always have great broom service!

102. How do rabbits travel? By hare plane.

Funniest vacation jokes

Make your vacation funnier and more relaxed with these jokes and funny situations. Love to laugh? Here are our favorite jokes about Americans .

103. For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed. I had a fantastic two weeks behind the fridge.

104. “A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asked. The brother replied, “No. I’m the chip monk.”

106. I bought a world map for my wall, and I’m going to put a pin in all the places I travel to. I’m going to have to travel to the top two corners of the map first to stop it from falling down.

107. Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any. “Sure,” said the first guy. “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.

108. A husband and wife packed their suitcases in a rush and made it to the airport just in time. “I wish I’d brought the refrigerator,” said the wife. “Whatever for?” asked her husband. “Our tickets are on top of it.”

109. “A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

110. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Ilinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

111. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

112. With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too. Halfway between Boston and New York City, the train’s engine fell silent. “I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” Everyone on the train groans. “The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”

113. My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel You should see my my dates’ faces when I tell them I’m a bus driver!

More Instagram caption ideas

If you’re looking for Instagram captions and quotes about places around the US, you’ll love these posts. Click on one of the buttons below to read our other quote guides.

Here are more quotes about places around the world.

You might also enjoy our more general Instagram caption posts about travel styles and much more. Here are the best quotes about:

Keep yourself entertained while you travel with these joke guides.

Did I miss anything? If you have any questions or feel like something is missing from this post, please leave a comment below or  contact me .

My most important travel tips and resources

Book your flights Skyscanner is the best website for finding cheap flights since it works like a search engine, so you can find the best deals across all airlines. Book hotels and hostels • Booking.com : Best worldwide • Agoda : Best in South East Asia • Hostelworld : Best for hostels Book tours, transport and rental cars • Viator : The best place to book tours, day trips and excursions for all budgets • 12Go : Great for ferries, trains, transfers and buses in South East Asia • Discover Cars : Best deals for rental cars around the word Get travel insurance Every traveller needs travel insurance, and I mean every single one. SafetyWing covers you in case of injury, illness or worse, and they’ve got your back if your bag is stolen, flights are cancelled or in case of a natural disaster. Pay abroad Ask any traveller, Wise is the best choice when it comes to sending money abroad. They’ve always got the best exchange rates, lowest fees, and their visa card is great for getting cash out or paying abroad. Things every traveller needs: ➼ Osprey Farpoint 70 Backpack Detachable daypack, ultra-light, durable and free repairs for life. There’s a reason why so many backpackers have this bag. ➼ Packing Cubes Packing cubes are a gamer changer, keeping your luggage organised and providing tons of extra space. ➼ Power bank There is nothing worse than running out of battery on an overnight bus journey or a long flight. With a power bank, you can charge your electronics on the go and make sure you’re always connected. ➼ Micro-fibre towel These lightweight towels are foldable, fast-drying, and, so useful when you’re travelling. ➼ You can find 15 more things every traveller needs here . Some might be a bit controversial, but I warned you!

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Hi, I'm Victoria

Welcome to Guide your Travel – a blog about South East Asia and how to travel on a budget.

I’m a blogger, writer and photographer and love to introduce my favourite destinations to others and encourage them to see the world.

I’m originally from Germany but spent four years living in the UK, quite a bit of time in Spain and Malaysia, and am now travelling full time with a home base in Bali, Indonesia.

Work with me!

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Tour Guides Puns

A list of puns related to "Tour Guides"

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

He’s always telling people to come on bored

Cardinal Directions

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

She was showing me around a class and the different stuff that they do. A table she was showing me had a light in it and helps line stuff up

Her: "This is what we call a light table."

Me: "It looks pretty heavy to me."

But never made it past the Onbarding process.

So we were in glenwood springs and went into the caves. It seemed like a really normal tour and just as we're about to exit, the guide tells us to put our ears on the wall of the cave. We all did assuming it was some cool feature of the cave. The guide asks us what we think we're listening to. Some reply water and others reply erosion. The guide tells us we're wrong and all we're doing is listening to hard rock.

"Get out of the whey!!!"

The Curatorium

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

"Sorry to get cheesy on you guys, but we are in Wisconsin" I groaned as I walked by.

the persons name was richard

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short

They especially enjoyed watching the clowns.

We won a backstage tour after the show, and happened to notice that all the people who were tallying up the tickets and sales were dressed as clowns, and happened to be little people...but none of them had been in the performances. When I asked the tour guide why they were dressed up even though they weren’t in the show, he replied, “Don’t you know? It’s the little jesters that count”.

"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."

"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.

"1215," said the tour guide.

"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”

“Watch our for the rain, dear.”

-a tour guide earlier today

The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".

The husband looks at the cloudy sky and says "It looks like rain" His wife says, "No, it's just cloudy." Their tour guide, a Communist officer named Rudolph, overhears them and says "It will definitely rain." Sure enough, a few minutes later, the heavens open and the tour group runs for cover from the downpour. The husband turns to his wife and says "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

The tour guid told an offensive joke about pesos, so I started to leave. He said "stop that was not what I mint"

The tour guide was telling us about the Boston molasses disaster, or as he called it…the Boston molassacre!

I was just on vacation in the Bahamas and took a tour boat to Paradise Island. The guide told us it used to be called Hog Island because of all the pigs, but it wasn't a very attractive name.

To solve the hog problem so the island could be developed, the locals killed them all and had a giant barbeque.

One could say they went hog wild . I hear at the barbeque they really pigged out .

We were taking a tour of a university and for the accomodation part of the tour they had a "demo" room so it was completely open plan and you could see everything. My dad asks the tour guide quite loudly "Do the actual rooms come with walls?"

Guide: I love questions, so at any point on the tour feel free to ask!

Me: Witches are part of the Wicca religion, correct? (Having little knowledge of it)

Dad: Don't ask the guide, look it up on....wiccapedia. Get it?

Tour guide laughs and I facepalm.

Last Saturday, I took a tour of a small private college with my mom and a friend who is considering going there. At one point in the tour, the tour guide begins to discuss her humanities classes that she took. One of them in particular was a class on Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy , and she then began to mention her favorite part of the class was studying Inferno .

I then responded with, "Gee, I bet that was a hell of a class."

Groans and laughter then proceeded to consume the tour group, and the tour guide herself began to giggle.

So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this maze . This is the text he just sent me:

>Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here...... If you see them could you send them home!

We were on a tour in China and at dinner, a guide announced that for the trip into the desert the next day they were going to dig us some make-shift restrooms.

My dad leans over to me and says "Ohhhhh, make- shift! " and we both lost it.

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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Travel Jokes – Laughter for Every Mile

27 February 2024

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By Delaney Jameson

Travel? Oh, it’s a roller coaster. One minute you’re up, soaring over cloud nine with every flight perfectly on time, every local smiling your way.

The next? You’re down, luggage lost, amidst a sea of signs you can’t decipher.

But here’s the secret sauce: laughter. It’s what makes the bitter bits of journeying taste sweet. This treasure trove of travel jokes? It’s your golden ticket.

From the absurdity of airplane peanuts to the comedy gold of tourist blunders, we dive deep. Ready to turn those travel woes into “woahs”?

Let’s embark on a safari of chuckles, where the wild things are the puns and quips about our globe-trotting escapades.

Best Travel Jokes

Why don’t secrets go on vacation? They hate to be leaked.

Airplane food is always a bit plane.

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill-areas.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana on vacation.

Lost luggage finds its own adventure.

Tourist elephants always pack their own trunk.

Jet lag feels like reading a spoiler for tomorrow.

Hotel beds are just sleepover sandwiches.

Passport photos are really just bad selfies.

Beaches never go on holiday. They’re always sandy.

Maps have the worst sense of direction. They always unfold.

A pirate’s favorite place to vacation? The sea!

Why do sharks never use the internet abroad? Too many bites.

Ski vacations are all downhill from here.

Lost tourists always take the scenic route.

Why did the tomato turn red on vacation? It saw the salad dressing.

Sunscreen is a shadow you can wear.

Airplane announcements are just spoilers for the flight.

What do you call a fake noodle on holiday? An impasta.

Why don’t fish like basketball? They’re afraid of the net.

Suitcases love to travel. They always pack themselves.

Why do bicycles fall over on vacation? They’re two-tired.

Jet lag is just time travel sickness.

A vacationing ghost’s favorite activity? Scare-gliding.

Why did the book join the flight? It wanted a thrilling adventure.

Tour guides never get lost. They just explore.

What’s a computer’s favorite dance? The disk-o.

Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s faster than walking!

Travel pillows are just sleepy boomerangs.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged on vacation.

Dinosaurs don’t go on vacations. They’re extinct.

Why was the belt arrested at the airport? For holding up a pair of pants.

Airports are just giant waiting rooms.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

A camel’s vacation is just a hump around the world.

Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.

Vacation days are like rainbows. They appear after a storm.

Why did the soccer ball take a trip? It was kicked around too much.

Crossing the road is a chicken’s way of traveling.

Why do mathematicians hate winter vacations? Too much snow accumulation.

Funny Travel Jokes

Why did the passport blush? It saw a travel diary spill its secrets.

Alarm clocks in hotels are just vacation interrupters.

Souvenirs are just trophies for surviving tourists.

A tourist’s favorite music? Suitcase symphonies.

Why was the beach never bored? Waves kept rolling in new stories.

Suitcase: “I’m overpacked!” Owner: “Well, it’s time to weigh your options.”

Puddles are just rain’s footprint.

Why do suitcases hate rain? It dampens their spirits.

Flip flops are summer’s way of high-fiving your feet.

Ice cream at the beach is just a race against the sun.

Maps: “Let’s get lost.” GPS: “Not on my watch!”

Why did the lemon go on vacation? To find its zest for life.

Sunglasses are just sun’s paparazzi shields.

Why do spiders love to travel? They’re natural web designers.

Boarding passes are just golden tickets to the skies.

Why was the book excited to fly? It wanted a story with altitude.

Beach balls are just the globes of summer.

Why did the computer take a vacation? To reboot in safe mode.

Sandcastles are just beach’s real estate.

Why did the soda cancel its trip? It lost its fizz.

Lifeguards at the pool are just water whisperers.

Why do candles never vacation in summer? They melt under pressure.

Vacation hats are just shade throwers.

Why did the salad go to the studio? To get dressed for the trip.

Palm trees are just nature’s way of waving hello.

Why was the travel guide so popular? It knew all the local gossip.

Sunsets are just the day’s way of saying goodnight.

Why did the pencil take a vacation? It needed to draw out some time.

Stars are just night’s way of showing off.

Why did the yogurt go to the art museum? To get cultured on its trip.

Travel Jokes One Liners

Lost bags must think ‘hide and seek’ is a travel game.

Tourists are just paparazzi for landmarks.

GPS is really just the adult version of “follow the leader.”

Seat belts on planes are just there for the ‘ups and downs’.

“Room service” is hotel speak for “home cooking, but fancier.”

Vacations are just life’s way of saying, “Let’s take a break.”

A tourist’s diet: 90% photos, 10% local cuisine.

Jet lag: the universe’s way to make you appreciate naps.

Souvenir shops sell memories you can touch.

Airports: where shoes and belts are more suspicious than people.

“Out of office” emails are just adult summer break notes.

Cruise ships are just floating buffets with a view.

A selfie stick is just a tourist’s extended arm.

Backpacks are snails’ homes for humans.

Street food: gourmet dining for the adventurous.

Travel insurance is like a parachute; better to have it and not need it.

Wi-Fi search is the modern treasure hunt.

Hotel lobbies are just showrooms for rooms.

Travel pillows: the neck’s best friend.

Language barriers, the ultimate game of charades.

Passport stamps are just travel tattoos.

Tourist spots are where locals avoid.

Maps: old-school GPS for the nostalgic.

“Do not disturb” signs are just polite ways to say “Go away.”

Luggage wheels: the click-clack music of airports.

Guidebooks: spoilers for real-life adventures.

Traveling light means leaving behind all but the essentials, like your stress.

Every tourist attraction has a selfie soulmate.

Currency exchange rates are just financial weather reports.

Escalators in airports are just practice for sightseeing speed.

Travel Jokes For Adults

Airline food is the only fine dining experience where altitude affects attitude.

Hotel bars are where “Do not disturb” signs come to party.

A passport photo is your first test of looking good under pressure.

Customs: Where you pretend your worst souvenir is your favorite.

Pilots have the best pick-up lines: “Prepare for takeoff.”

TSA stands for “Thoroughly Searching Adults.”

Travel flings: where you find true love, and then timezone it.

Duty-free shops: where wallets go on their own vacation.

Jet lag is just your body clock drunk dialing you.

A vacation is where you live like a king and spend like one too.

“Economy class” is just fancy for “human Tetris.”

Traveling with kids: like being a tour guide for the unimpressed.

Room service: The hope you cling to when hunger strikes at midnight.

Travel agents: magicians who turn dreams into itineraries.

Boarding zones: The Hunger Games of air travel.

A hotel’s infinity pool is just a fancy bathtub with a view.

Luggage: rolling wardrobes for the optimistic packer.

Layovers: unexpected detours on the road to patience.

Travel size means paying more for the privilege of carrying less.

A souvenir is just proof you went somewhere cooler than your friends.

Budget airlines: where you pay extra for luxuries like legroom.

Traveling is the art of getting lost and pretending it was the plan.

A cruise: where you dress like royalty and eat like a king every night.

Tour guides: historians with a flair for dramatic pauses.

Beach vacations: where sand becomes a temporary family member.

Time zones: the universe’s way of messing with your sleep schedule.

A road trip is just a quest for the world’s best bathroom.

Vacation romance: where you find Mr. Right for right now.

Hostels: where you trade sleep for stories.

Travel: the only thing you buy that makes you richer and your wallet lighter.

Car Travel Jokes

Car GPS: the only voice that tells me what to do without getting an eye roll.

Why do cars hate jokes? They can’t handle the punch lines.

Electric cars don’t fuel my humor.

Road trips are just snack marathons with a view.

Honking is car language for “Hey, notice me!”

Traffic jams: the ultimate test of patience and playlist.

Car air fresheners: because sometimes, it’s an inside job.

Why do cars always play music? To tune out the traffic.

Seat belts: the ultimate fashion accessory for safety.

Car washes are just spa days for your ride.

Why don’t cars play sports? They’re afraid of getting a flat.

Dashboard bobbleheads: the nod of approval every driver needs.

Why did the car apply for a job? It wanted to drive change.

Speed bumps: the only hills my car can climb.

Carpooling: because misery loves company.

Why do cars go to school? To improve their drive.

Flat tires make cars feel deflated.

Parking lots: where cars go to nap.

Why don’t cars get lost? They always stay on track.

Traffic lights: the ultimate decision-makers.

Blinkers: car’s way of saying, “Guess where I’m going!”

Why are old cars great storytellers? They have lots of miles.

Car heaters: the hot breath of a metal beast.

Why do cars hate early mornings? They dread the start.

Gas stations: where cars go to pig out.

Why did the car break up with the road? It needed space.

Turn signals: the art of saying “I’m going this way. Maybe.”

Car alarms: because cars have feelings too.

Why do cars love the garage? It’s home sweet home.

Road maps: ancient scrolls for modern adventures.

Business Travel Jokes

Boardrooms and boredom—a match made in business trip heaven.

Airplane Wi-Fi: where emails go to vanish.

“Sleeping on the job” takes on new meaning during flights.

Business class? More like, “Try to work with tiny table class.”

Hotel gyms: ghost towns with treadmills.

Why did the PowerPoint go to the airport? For its slide show.

Conference calls: the art of speaking while on mute.

Lost luggage: the ultimate escape artist.

Jet lag: because time zones love to play pranks.

“Networking” sometimes means connecting to Wi-Fi.

Rental cars: the blind dates of travel.

Room service: because I traveled 500 miles to eat in bed.

Mini-bar prices teach budget management.

Airport security: the most awkward dance party.

Business trips: where “out of office” means “in a different office.”

Frequent flyer miles: the adult version of collecting stickers.

Packing for a trip: a test of memory and folding skills.

Why do business travelers hate spirals? They can’t deal with more loops.

Layovers: unscheduled time travel.

Expense reports: the adult homework nobody wants.

Conference badges: the adult friendship bracelets.

Hotel key cards: because playing “open sesame” wasn’t fun enough.

“Direct flight” is just airline humor.

Breakfast buffets: the ultimate test of willpower.

Time zones: because who doesn’t want breakfast at 4 PM?

Suitcase: a mobile drawer that’s never big enough.

Business lounges: where you pretend to work.

Jet lag: the only time travel we don’t enjoy.

“Carrying on” luggage has a whole new meaning.

Why do business travelers bring a suit? To blend in with the local wildlife.

Best Air Travel Jokes

Pilot announcements: “We’re all in this together, literally.”

Airplane food: mystery meat at its finest.

Overhead bins: a game of Tetris nobody wins.

Turbulence: nature’s way of checking if you’re paying attention.

Middle seats: where personal space goes to die.

Seat belts: because turbulence likes surprises.

Emergency exits: a pop quiz you never want to take.

In-flight movies: where bad films fly high.

Armrests: the ultimate territorial battle.

Window seats: for views and awkward bathroom trips.

Airplane mode: where all good calls go to rest.

Boarding passes: paper puzzles.

Flight attendants: masters of the “smile and nod.”

Runways: fashion’s less glamorous cousin.

Duty-free shops: where wallets fly open.

Passport photos: the face of regret.

Luggage carousels: where hope spins round and round.

Airplane bathrooms: contortionist training rooms.

Pre-flight safety videos: unintentional comedy gold.

Boarding groups: the ultimate caste system.

Headphones on a plane: social distancing before it was cool.

Layovers: unexpected time travel.

In-flight magazines: boredom’s last stand.

Snacks on a plane: a test of low expectations.

Seatback pockets: mystery grab bags.

Landing applause: because survival is an achievement.

Cabin pressure: ear-popping fun.

Flight delays: time’s way of testing patience.

Carry-on luggage: a lesson in attachment.

Exit row: where legroom meets responsibility.

I’m Delaney Jameson, the soul behind inspiremymantra.com! As a healing expert, writer, and self-growth enthusiast, I’ve made it my mission to share my passion for affirmations and personal transformation with the world.

Through life’s ups and downs, I’ve discovered the power of healing and self-discovery. With every challenge, I’ve grown stronger, wiser, and more connected to my authentic self. This journey led me to create inspiremymantra.com, a space where I can share the lessons, love, and light that have transformed my life.

Join me as we explore the magic of affirmations, embrace self-improvement, and create the lives we’ve always dreamed of – one mantra at a time. Let’s grow together and unleash our full potential!

Tax Jokes – Laugh Away Your Filing Blues

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Tour Guide Jokes

As l get older I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice

as i grow older, i remember all the people i lost along the way. maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan. The tour guide said “That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member” Well done Lewandisney

I went to the Dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

I sat down and reminised about the past, I remembered all the people I've lost along the way. Maybe becoming a Tour Guide wasn't a good idea.

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

Museum of Jokes

Tour Guide Jokes

What's a michigander.

A: An Ohioan who can read. Q: What's an Ohioan? A: A Kentuckian who can count. Q: What's a Kentuckian? A: A West Virginian with a branching family tree. Q: And who the hell are you to be making all these rude judgments? A: Trauma counselor for tour guides.

You might also enjoy:

Who's there.

Interrupting the whos there) Penny!

Whats the easiest way to drown a blonde?

Glue a penny to the bottom of a swimming pool ALTERNATE ENDING: Put a scratch n' sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool

Which his guide had proposed to climb. - Do people tumble down often here?

No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.

What just cracked?

A guide to aging.

What branch of the military did the hipster join?

The Salvation Army.

How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

What did granny say after leaving her handbag on a bus?

Allahu Akbar!" I'm going to hell for this.

What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?

Having a pair of legs...... I know, I know, I'm going to hell

What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?

A family friend paying a visit.

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

A visit from the university board of ethics.

Why is the Canadian Mint so confusing?

Because they don't make any cents.

What did the penny say to the other penny?

Let's get together and make some cents.

Why did the blind driver have no hands?

He was reading road signs at 50 miles per hour

Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

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154 tour jokes and hilarious tour puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about tour that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article features a collection of jokes and humorous anecdotes surrounding the whirlwind tour of Harry Styles, a rock star and benefactor of the outskirts. Enjoy a good laugh and check out this entertaining list of tour jokes!

Quick Jump To

• Short Tour Jokes

Tour One Liners

Tour guide jokes, tour de france jokes, pga tour jokes.

• More Tour Jokes

Funniest Tour Short Jokes

Short tour jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The tour humour may include short trip jokes also.

• As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
• TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
• As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
• As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
• They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German. Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
• As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
• Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
• As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
• I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
• The other day, I was on a submarine tour. I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me. Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked. "Err, this isn't the right sub."

Share These Tour Jokes With Friends

Which tour one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with tour? I can suggest the ones about travel and riot.

• Who won the first Tour De France? The 2nd Panzer Division.
• "Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets
• What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France? They recycle them.
• Who won the Tour de France in 1940? The Sixth German Panzer Division.
• How do dumplings like to travel? By “won-tours” around the world!
• Chris Brown is going on tour this year! He'll be sponsored by Black & Decker.
• What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys? PGA Tour.
• Who won the original Tour De France? The 7th Panzer division
• Do you know who won the first 'Tour de France'? The 5th Panzer Division
• Who won the first Tour de France? The 3rd German Tank Division.
• Why did James Brown always tour in Asia? He loved the Seoul train.
• If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology... I'll give you a mini-tour
• What is a noodle's favorite bicycle race? The Tour de Lini
• Who won the Tour de France on May 10th, 1940? The 7th Panzerdivision
• What do you call a priest who is touring Area 51? Alien versus predator

Here is a list of funny tour guide jokes and even better tour guide puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
• As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all
• As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I begin to think to myself.. Maybe a career as a tour guide really wasn't for me.
• As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think..... Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career
• I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory. We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died. Luckily it was instant.
• I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide. To which I responded Safaris pretty good.
• Our tour guide wanted to bring our attention to the sand stone to our right He didn't want us to take it for granite
• Batman was my tour guide in Antarctica. What can we even find around here? Justice.
• Disappear. A Jamaican tour guide standing by a quay.
• Donald Trump is threatening to destroy my family business. I don't know how to tell my kids. How is a wetlands tour guide supposed to put food on his table now?

Here is a list of funny tour de france jokes and even better tour de france puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam. It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes .
• I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but... I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.
• Who won the first Tour De France? The 6th Panzer division. Of course the joke isn't historically accurate. It's a joke, not a fact.
• Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France. It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
• Amsterdam is like a tour de France - it's full of people on bikes and drugs. -- Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam
• Who won the first Tour de France? I don't know his name, but I know he was in a German tank.
• A nuclear physicist is convinced he can win the Tour de France He says biking is just a chain reaction.
• Who was the winner of the first Tour De France? The Wehrmacht Tank division.
• What impresses me the most about Tour de France athletes is that they can go for five hours without looking at their cellphones.
• What happened to Napoleon after he crashed in the Tour de France? Well, I never heard, but that tore Napoleon's bones apart.

Here is a list of funny pga tour jokes and even better pga tour puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• What do you call 500 old white guys chasing a black man with clubs? The PGA tour.
• What do u call 1 black guy being stalked quietly by two hundred white guys? PGA Tour
• What do you call 143 white guys chasing after one black guy? PGA Tour
• What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man? The PGA Tour.
• What do you call 300 white guys chasing a black man? Tiger Woods' PGA tour.

Related Comedy Topics

• tour de france
• arrangements

Comical Tour Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about tour you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make tour pranks.

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?" "No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have." "Amazing. And the cigarettes?" "At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl." "That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?" "Twenty-five".

Joke about how dangerous China is

An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?" The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"

French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France? The 6th Panzer division. Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors? To see the front line. How many French troops does it take to defend Paris? No one knows.

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole. Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?" "That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig. "Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist. In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...

...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology. He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in. "Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"

A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep. When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?" Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.

Blonde vs. Space

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were taking a tour inside of NASA space center. The tour-guide asked them "What planet or other object in our universe would you go to?" The red head said. "I'd go to Saturn!" The brunette said, "I'd go to the Moon!" The blonde said "I'd go to the Sun!" The tour-guide looked at the blonde. "But if you go the Sun, you'll burn up and die." The blonde rolled her eyes and replied calmly. "What, do you think I'm s**...? I'd go at night!"

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...

... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions. The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man. St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."

A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.

Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date." "Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."

Madonna is talking with the Spice Girls

Says she wants to sponsor a reunion tour so long as she can join them. The girls agree to condition. They call her Old Spice.

I went on a tour of a soap factory last week.

I forgot which one it was, but I'm sure it will Dawn on me.

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City. The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America" A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

Old tourist joke

German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...

[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union] Have you tried Stalin bacon before? *I'm not sure.. I don't think so...* Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00... For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours, For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells, And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

So a tourist walks into an English pub...

A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says: "Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?" They get outraged and snap back: "It's Wales, you idiot!" "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, "Occupation?" The singer replies, "No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We'll be gone by tomorrow morning."

What has nine arms and s**...?

Your mom on Def Leppard's tour bus.

U2 just announced a world tour.

Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

A Brit joke about Americans...

An American takes a sightseeing tour around London. While watching around he smiles and tells the guide: "Listen pal, why is everything so small here? Look at this building for example. In America it would be 10 times as big..." "I completely agree, sir! That's the madhouse."

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...

As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618. "Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!" As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan. The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

A tourist in Amsterdam sees a p**... in a window

He taps on the glass and says "How much?" "Two hundred and fifty euros," she responds. "Wow! I never realized it was so expensive" "Well of course it's expensive, it's shatter-proof!"

I met a local girl when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could e**... me

for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her. She got excited and said: "s**... s**... s**..., wan free s**... for tonight" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what she really said : 666136429.

Jokes told by my tour guide while rafting.

* Why doesn't anyone tell knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. * What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. * What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. * What do you call a cow with 1 leg? A steak.

A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..

As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!" The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that' The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'

A mexican kid tells D. Trump:

I want to be President! Trump says: are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you r**...? Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

A man dies and goes to heaven

St. Peter gives him a tour and asks him 'Well, what do you think?' The man says, 'Its terrific, everything I dreamed it would be. But who were those people sitting by themselves looking so unhappy?' 'Oh, those are the fundamentalists, they can't believe that they aren't the only ones here.'

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

What's Pakistan's tourism tagline?

"Have a blast, it might be your last"

A museum tour guide points to a fossil "This fossil right here is sixty-eight million and three years old."

One of the visitors asks: "How can you be so precise?" "I first started working here three years ago, and on my first day the head of the museum told me it was sixty-eight million years old."

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City. Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though? Tour guide: No, I don't know. Physicist: Mass over volume. I'll see myself out.

I went on an "Authentic World War One Tour" the other day

Three quarters of our party died, we didn't go anywhere and it rained the whole time. 10/10

A tourist group

A tourist group is lead over a mountain path. One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide: "You really could have put a handrail on the side" The guide answers: "There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"

I asked the owner of a b**... parlor if I can have a tour of the place...

...He said he was t**... at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.

Western tourist in North Korea

So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument. "Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."

A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

Took my GF and her friends on a tour on Africa. They hated every country we visited, except for one.

Turns out girls only like Chad.

Don't ask me!

A tourist visiting Seattle is sick of rain and asks a boy - Does it ever stop raining here? Boy - How do I know? I am only eight.

Haunted castle

A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over. "It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways." "No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here." "How long is that?" the tourist asked. "Oh, about 300 years."

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!" The commander replied "Hail, Cesar". Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?" ... ... "It's horrible." "Agree."

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks? The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question. ​ "I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?" ​ The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."

There is no ghost

While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour. To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost. And how long have you worked here? asked the woman. Three hundred years.

40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus

The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"

Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

Two tourists get lost in a pyramid

As they are wandering about, a man in a suit approaches them. "Are you lost, gentlemen?" he says. "Would you like to buy a map? Perhaps you can buy more of them so you can sell it to other people." "Don't trust him," says one tourist to the other, "it's a pyramid scheme."

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Native American.

"What is it made of?" she asked."Alligator's teeth," the man replied."I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!

Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy...

... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.

An American goes to Australia

And is attending a talk by Bush rangers while taking a wild tour about how it is very dangerous and you should always be on your watch. After the bit about how kangaroos are dangerous, he asks "Is there anywhere in Australia where something or someone isn't trying to kill you?" "School"

A tourist asked me for some local attractions.

So I told him that my next door neighbours are rather s**....

[old indian joke] while on a tour of Tajmahal, the guide was explaining how Shahjahan built this tomb for his wife due to grief.

My wife asked : would you build me one like this ? I replied " I already bought vacant land, now it's your turn" .

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof. "We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director The inspector nods and replies with a smile "Ah, i see. And the inmate, if sane will choose the cup because it's the biggest." The director then looks at the inspector and raises a brow "No, the sane one will just open the drain"

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